I have thought about this book a lot and wondered if I should even write it at all. I believe that it will help me heal and understand myself better and connect with other people. There are just some things that you have to decide whether you are going to share or not, your deepest thoughts and memories are sometimes left best not discussed or told in order to protect those who want to stay hidden in the shadows of their own guilt, this way they never have to take responsibility for their actions that left another person shattered and torn. I have researched everything that discusses examples about how a real autobiography should be written, the outlines, what is going to be my key points and punch lines. I have read the ten most important things that belong in a bio and I have decided I will write this book and I will write it the way that the book and my feelings tell me to write it. I have never listened much to other people and a lot of the times maybe I should have, although in a way I have allowed people to bring me down even when it was not their intention. If I had listened to other people I would not have married, meaning I would not have had my three beautiful girls. I would never have went back to school and many other things that have in some sort of way bettered my life and/or made me grow as the person I am through the steps I have taken on my own.
I do not believe in fearing the unknown, although I find myself fearing so many unknowns that I am left to wonder who I really am. I talk a big game of making a new beginning even though it is almost only meant for other people because I am too weak to listen to my own advice. I sometimes wonder if I am dictating my future with the horrors of my past! Am I doing what I so powerfully tell everyone they should never do? I believe I have all the strength in the world to make my story heard and understood with all of its good and bad. Just with the writing of my past I could move a thousand walls right out of hell, it is finding the words to describe my story that creates the most hardship for me.
In the end I would rather learn and except the unknown for all that it has to offer or teach me. We all find ourselves walking roads that were best to have kept untraveled; we learn from those mistakes the best way that we can. Sometimes though our hearts tell us to travel those same roads again because we feel so empty without the walk that is only found in the mind of another! I am not a novelist, I am a poetess and this book will be written in the only way I can write “straight from my heart”! I may upset a few people with this book but it is not their life this time that I am thinking about, it is my own and what I have had to live through. My life is still at a crossroads but a new beginning is better than an old ending and only I can find my new beginning, the way that I do it is up to me and no one else.
Five year old death
It is what I see in my nights of restless sleep that torment me in my waking hours. I search for what I will never find and find what will only drive me into hell a little deeper every day. I have always been just me and that has been fine and I love the heart that I have been blessed with even through a life that I could take or leave without any turns looking back. Does this mean I do not love my family or children? Does this mean that I really want to die in my sleep like I beg every night before I once again fall into my own hell of night tremors? This is something I ask myself every single breathing day that I am made to exist on earth! I love my children but maybe just maybe they would be better off without a mother who cries in her sleep for no reason that they could ever understand or that I would even want to tell them. I am alone in the crowded room that everyone talks about and that may be okay for some but I was meant to love and cherish those who walk in my life. I am lost in the dark and followed by the shadows that are to forever haunt me with nowhere to run but back within myself. I cry a million unseen tears that I hide with a pretty smile upon my face that I wish to let run free and to be seen by just one person that will maybe understand me and understand what I am forever left to feel. I am not mentally ill by any chemical imbalance!
I am however mentally ill by the life that I have been given and at the end of the day after I have tried to make everyone else’s life pretty with a pink ribbon, I am left to wonder “Did they see me”?
I want the fairytale romance that will never come into my life for it has already been here, but once again it left me driving down the road on four wheels taking any dreams I may have had with him. I want to sit in a rocking chair and not say one word to my mate but yet hear a thousand stories through his heartbeat. I search for that person that you never have to see but yet you can read him with just the silence of his nothing. I search for what we had with each other and I am left to wonder how he could so easily let that go like we were nothing more but a raincloud that would be okay once it poured its life upon the world. So many things I am left to wonder about as the tears run swiftly down my cheeks, so many things that I wish to escape beginning with me. I am left here with nothing more than a life full of grief that has been handed down to me since I was five years old in age. I am living in the tormented mind and soul of a five year olds death! Before you read any farther I will be blunt, if you are looking for a book of perfection and cover ups in feelings then this is not the book for you. I am writing of my life that only I have lived and no one can dictate or change a word of what I feel and think is the reason I carry depression on the sleeve of a lost soul just waiting to be found and understood. I am writing of a past worth forgetting that haunts me every day of my life! I am writing the story that only I can tell!