Wednesday, May 29, 2013

A peek into "Five Year Old Death"

I made friends at my new school easily for some reason; this was a first for me because I use to have no friends at all. It was a different time then, the more friends the better. You enjoyed everyone, going to the mall and even church together. There were not the childish antics as there is now. The belief that you could only have one friend at a time! I really loved my new home and learned a lot of lessons that I would take with me when I was an adult myself. I learned how to cook, clean, sew and take care of my husband when I was married. My foster parents were both spoiled to each other, the happiness showed on their faces and they could be really rotten with their flirtation at their age. It seemed like they were just newlyweds starting a new life together! 

It had not been long after I moved there that I meant their son, he was older and an adult already. He had two little boys and was married. He always had this smile on his face and was so full of life. I had a hell of a crush on him and enjoyed every minute he was around. He was a free spirited country boy who loved to hunt and fish, his sons were his every reason to breathe in this life. He worked and then came home ready to spend time with them. I always felt like he was not loved the way that his father was though. He seemed to be the only one who put any effort in his home life, working and making the money and then coming home to clean and cook. I already knew because of my foster mom that the man had his part and the woman had her part in the home life so this kind of boggled my mind that it did not work that way with him. He grew up seeing this but yet not expecting it for his own life. I guess everyone was different and right then I knew he was someone special. My stomach done flip flops in his presence, my heart raced behind laid down lids. I did not want him to see me fawning over him because I did not want him to stay away from me in embarrassment. I still tear up thinking of his younger days and what he is now. He hides behind a mask to suit everyone else and always has. 


***
When I was probably sixteen and a half my feelings turned from crush to love. I hated that he worked over the road as a truck driver because that meant he would be gone all week long. I felt more excitement in his return at the end of the week than his wife seemed to feel. He was the heart of my life! The every breath I took and held in hoping no one would notice the way my face flushed anytime I was around him. My body tingled in excitement when he would turn his eyes on me to talk about how school was going or just every day happenings. I decided to get a boyfriend so maybe my feelings for him would either go away or at least simmer to a degree of settling. It never worked though no matter how hard I tried for it to. It only grew harder when I started karate and he would help me with my exercise’s, just the touch of his hand felt like lighting was pulsing through my body weakening my every movement and thought. When I heard a love song it was his face that I saw, his heart that I craved and wished to be felt within. I was only a mere child but I knew this was something more than a child’s crush or love. He started paying more attention to me than he used to before. I started catching him now look at me and I knew that it was not just in a friendly way. I would go to bed and dream of him and how it would feel to kiss him even if just once. Once would be enough to remember the rest of my life! 

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