Wednesday, June 12, 2013

A peak into "FIVE YEAR OLD DEATH"

One night I was so mad at her and at him because he had went and bought her beautiful roses and made a special dinner for them. He worked and then cooked this fancy meal to be ready for her when she got home from work. His plans were for them to eat and have a dance and then make love. Her plans were to do as always, eat and then go home. She didn't even help him clean the mess knowing he had to get up again early the next day. She left those flowers on the table like they were nothing to her but his money spent on a selfish woman who just could not find a heart to even care about the love he put into what he had hoped would be a special night for them. We were so open with each other that he called me and told me what had happened, you could hear the hurt in his voice but this was nothing new for him. I couldn't help but wonder why she had still not seen why we had a relationship. Was she so blind that she had not realized yet that it is her coldness and lack of affection that drives him back into my arms? She would rather tease him and say he was to lovey and should have been a woman. How lucky she was and she didn't even see it. 


Lives of the dictated 

Missing beats find me
giving in and up on what
has always meant to be.
Finding each other in
our thoughts spare no
voices when worlds
apart.

I have finally found
myself bargaining for
something more, I wait
no longer for something
that has been a long time
coming even though
in mind and heart I know
one day you will once
again wish to come through
my door.

Same old romance finds
hidden time in the shadows
of what is wanted but seems
now just to far away to hold.
I grow bold and see that killing
time in the darkness has only
affected the person I still wish
to be.

Sparkling cider in the arms
of my lover, whispering song
to be found within my ear.
Pressed against my heart that
ticks from another human life,
I search for just maybe part
of what we have always been
able to make right.

I hold back tears and wish
your being was as strong as
the words you so persistently
speak. Love carries us away
within another world that
we both wish to stay, fear
of the unknown keeps you
at bay and alone.

Two finds comfort a way
of life, no love lost now
for it was let go a long
time ago. Living becomes
an everyday obstacle, no
happiness is found under
the face of sorrow and
grounded.

No longer wishing to
stand in the dark, I find
my feet are now steady
and in wanting of what
we have always dreamt.
A love that holds no faults
in the understanding of
the other, a love that is
real and felt through body
and soul.

No longer allowing my
past to dictate my future!
I gave my all and when
life finds you alone you
will once again remember
who holds your other half,
on the ground you find
yourself so many times
thrown.

Place another wish in the
ears of the deaf, another
romantic dinner grows
cold when out the door
your lover steps. The
sand is quickly running
out, time to change what
is not any longer wished,
or find yourself forever
without.

I am not the little girl
I once was, to hold the
past over my head any
longer will only bring
both of us more unneeded
dread. Tomorrow when
you wake, there will still
be no change!

Take what is still in
your reach, or find
yourself always alone
in a crowded room
of those who has never
understood. I find my
love is still calling out
your name, but now something
has seemed to changed
within my mind.

I am settled no longer for
hide and seek, I know the
true meaning of love and
where your heart has always
wished to be. I can only say
sorry a thousand times, before
I give up on what is only
being half denied. Letting
go not so easily wanted,
finding love though is
on my mind more than
it once was.

Love finds me patiently
waiting for the one who
will share wanted dreams,
living life to the fullest
without any worries. A
tear trickles down my
cheek, for I now know
I crave to also be happy.
I cannot do this anymore,
find your strength before
we are forever lost within
lives of insecure.


We started seeing each other more again, finding ways to sneak out alone. We talked about life and all the things we had talked about so many other times like it was new thoughts but they were the same wishes that we had always shared. There was something different though this time, he talked a lot about time lost with his children and how he wished he could go back into time and gain back the love and respect of his children. He talked about his parents more also and all the times we all would have cookouts and go swimming or fishing together. These were things he had enjoyed so much like going hunting with his father sharing time and laughs together. It was all lost when he got with her; he was always needed at her families for one thing or the other. With that he was being pulled farther away from his own family. That is the night that I finally came clean and told him of the hurt his parents had felt for years now. They missed him so much and felt like he had turned his back on them for her family. My foster mother cried a lot over him and the lost time between them. My foster dad had become more mad than hurt after time though. He told my foster mom to stop crying over him, he said he was a big boy and if he wanted to stay away from them then he could. I don’t think John had realized how hurt they were until that night. I heard him really cry that night, I had only heard him do that one other time before and his tears killed me and pulled at my heart like nothing I had ever felt before. I wished now that I had kept my mouth shut but it was too late to take back the words that I told him. It would not be long after that night he would soon realize how much time he had wasted, many regrets would follow him into his own made hell. 



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