You cannot help but wonder if things were always known. Things that you never really wanted to admit until you had been dragged through so much heartache that you have no other choice but to admit it. You try so hard to think back into time and reflect on things that hurt you so badly at the time that you have ignored. Ignored because at one time you had the heart to ignore it if it meant not causing hurt to others. I am past that, I am so cold and unforgiving that maybe just maybe I am being made to see the truth. The truth that just maybe the love of your life has always had it out for you. Being sixteen should have been the best days of life, before real life started but for me it was trying to find love and a father where one really did not stand. My life has always been like this and it has taken its toll on me now. The misuse of trust and love for nothing. The nights spent forgiving someone when they were just hiding who they really were to find their own lust and greed full intentions. It is something that really has to be thought of after all is said and done. You start to see things in a different light when you finally allow yourself to. Maybe it is growth that shows you what you never wanted to see or even feel. The torment of knowing that you were just a pawn since youth to please two people who were nothing more than users. The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that it never went as far as what the others has intended it to go. The knowledge that even if the love of your life wanted you for his whore and his fathers whore that you did not go that far. It has been killing me because I only had one father but yet I didn't. It kills me that I had to allow that just to find love where it has never even existed. But it is okay I guess as long as he can have what he does not even want in full. It is okay because I will in the end get everything off of my chest and start new no matter what pain it causes others because they have never cared of what pain it has caused me. A child from abuse is always left to be that child. Allowing everyone to take advantage of her just for the thought that just maybe, just maybe it was not what it looks like. But it is, what it is!