Friday, September 20, 2013

A Long Lost Mother

I have searched for enlightenment,
you know,
where you try to understand
the misunderstood.
Where shallow answers are just no longer good enough.
For the questionable ordeals,
leave reasonable doubt on your mind.

I almost feel like it is a foggy night
where you cannot see what is right in front of you
like a blindfold has been placed over your eyes,
giving no gaps to peek out.
I am lost in the dark,
as the dampness of the fog ever so lightly
touches my cheek.

I have wondered about you,
where you are
how you spend your days
or even if you are still alive.
I looked myself in the mirror
asking my own questions,
as I wonder if the answers would really matter.
What would your words change,
that I have lived with for so long?
I am pondering if this is really what I want
or am I still a lost child
seeking refuge in the heart that I had once known.

I had no clue why I even cared!
Why the hell do I need to know,
the answers to the questions
that your cowardliness never cared to give.
But I was still left to wonder
the questions that have always haunted me
since I was nothing more than a mere child!

How would I express my deepest thoughts?
How would I even start a conversation between us?
What would I do if you hung up the phone
once you heard my voice?
Had you changed?
Or were you still merely a child
in your own right!
Have you excepted your life,
and all that you threw away so long ago in stride?
Has the past haunted you as it has me?
What would I ask and say,
if you were on the other side of the line?

I have never failed
at what I want to achieve the most in life.
So I found you,
as I knew I would eventually.
I searched statewide,
I asked everyone who knew you
if they had heard of your whereabouts.
It paid off,

I talked to you yesterday,
for the first time in many years.
I am left to realize nothing was as I thought it would be!
I didn't ask you one question
that I have wanted the answers to for so very long.
It just never came up
or I just do not care any longer.
For I have grown
and I have lived with the life that was set before me.
It has been hard,
I cannot lie about that.
But I am still here,
I still live and breathe
even though while I was in your care
I never thought I would find adulthood.

And I have taken many roads
that were not mine to follow.
Leading me into a dead end,
but yet I am stronger for it in so many ways.
I realized something else also,
while on this journey that I chose to take myself.
I don't hate you any longer,
whereas one day not so far ago in the past
I would have been okay with you being six feet under.
Never to be heard of again.

And those answers,
that I so powerfully needed my whole life,
well they are no longer important to me.
For they will not change the past,
as they will not make my future any brighter.
They will not heal my inner pains
like I always thought they would,
and should!

And if you ever admit
the wrong doings you done to your own children,
I may even forgive you.
But for now I am contempt,
for I do not hate you anymore.
But I also do not love you,
for you are just another person that was left in my past
as so many others have been.

I thought I would cry
cuss and yell,
but instead
I hung up the phone
just like you were an every day caller
and moved on with my daily chores.
For life has shown me my own way,
it has taught me many lessons
that needed to be learned.
I have finally excepted
you were not the teacher that I so desperately needed.
I have made my way
I have given birth to the grandchildren
you will never have the privilege to know.
And I have grown into a woman
where once stood merely nothing more
than your long lost child!

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