I cannot tell you what really makes me thrive
anymore I couldn't really say.
The lack of a forgotten reality
has placed it's mark upon my mind and soul.
Thoughts are my own and never spoken
not many can understand me
even more has given me no reason to be open.
When I find one thing, another leaves
I never really feel as if I am whole.
There is something missing
something that I cannot put my finger on.
I grieve for my own lack of living
I have tried more than most
but roadblocks are always in my way.
The struggles of life has always found me,
sometimes I am tired of trying.
One success leads to many setbacks,
bleed my heart and soul into something
for really no reason.
Choosing others in front of me has always been my norm
the type of person who wants to make others happy
even though I feel so scorned in a restless world.
I am only a part of a routine
that ages me faster than my age reflects.
Sit quietly peering into a world that is not mine to have
envying a stranger
because they have what I so wish to feel.
If I am made to live,
then I want to feel alive!
I want to be seen as more than the go getter
for others who ignore my own needs.
I just need something to call my own,
a dance under the moonlight
with the love of my life.
I want to feel like he is there in that moment,
cherishing the love that I give so freely.
I don't know how I got here
to this place that I swore I would never find again.
Have I made the people in my life believe
that I am stronger than I really am?
I feel weak in this persona of who I portray,
I feel useless in a life that takes me for granted everyday.
I feel a pain throughout my body
I am left to wonder if it is physical
or if it is nothing more than a emotional roller coaster.
For now I will give myself a pity trip.
Someday soon I will do as I always have
and just ignore the pain and get over it!
Write it up as another mark on the soul,
a scar that will linger hidden underneath
waiting to be uncovered once again.