Left to be

Written words,

vision of black ink,

tastes of salt,

scrolled in the mind,

left to be!

Nothing comes to light,
that was dream-t,
Worthiness staggers,
in muddied floors of soil.
Dust left to be!

Given life,
taken lightly,
conquered hardships
fall short from good enough.
exhaustion, left to be!

Giving every ounce,
nothing left but a heartbeat.
Worries about those that live,
dying inside with every step taken.
Me, left to be!

A Mark on the Soul

I cannot tell you what really makes me thrive
anymore I couldn't really say.
The lack of a forgotten reality
has placed it's mark upon my soul.
Thoughts are my own and never spoken
not many can understand me
even more has given me no reason to be open.

When I find something to hold on to, another leaves
I never really feel as if I am whole.
There is something missing
something that I cannot put my finger on.
I grieve for my own lack of living
I have tried more than most
but roadblocks are always in my way.

The struggles of life has always found me,
sometimes I am tired of trying.
One success leads to many setbacks,
bleed my heart and soul into something
for reasons that I do not see

Choosing others in front of me has always been my norm
the type of person who wants to make others happy
even though I feel so scorned in a restless world.
I am only a part of a routine
that ages me faster than my age reflects.

Sit quietly peering into a world that is not mine to have
envying a stranger
because they have what I wish to accomplish
If I am made to live,
then I want to feel alive!
I want to be seen as more than the go getter
for others who ignore my own needs.

I just need something to call my own,
a dance under the moonlight
with the love of my life.
I want to feel like he is there in that moment,
cherishing the love that I give so freely.

I don't know how I got here
to this place that I swore I would never find again.
Have I made the people in my life believe
that I am stronger than I really am?
I feel weak in this persona of who I portray,
I feel useless in a life that takes me for granted everyday.

I feel a pain throughout my body
I am left to wonder if it is physical
or if it is nothing more than a emotional roller coaster.
For now I will give myself a pity trip.
Someday soon I will do as I always have
and just ignore the pain and get over it!

Write it up as another mark on the soul,
a scar that will linger hidden underneath
waiting to be uncovered once more.

A Part of Me

Invisibility conquers the soul

you think that you know who I am

but in reality you have no clue.

I feel like I am immortal

flesh covers my body

but I am not seen as human. 

I have been seen through

for as long as I can remember.

I know it is self afflicted

I have always done for another

as I leave myself open.

I am not sure if this can be reversed 

can you go from being every-bodies thing

to someone who means something to you?

How can the shadow on the wall

possess a form of blood and flesh

that speaks volumes that everyone will have to understand.

You think you know me

but you really do not

for if you did you would see the pain

that is hidden under my own cloak of fear.

You think you understand me

but you really never can.

The use of a person for your own good

has never been something that I find appealing.  

I have walked and made a thousand trips

in a circle looking for my escape.

I have thought thoughts that would leave you cold

like I feel in my everyday life.

I do not fear you

as much as I fear myself.

I can feel my self control turning into poison

it is only a matter of time before all is lost.

It is only a matter of time

before the truth of my feelings 

finds you in conflict with yourself.

I am preparing myself for something more,

I am done being nothing more to you than a means to an end.

One day soon you will realize that the shadow on the wall,

was just one part of the whole me.

Outburst

I am frequented by emotional outburst
that has been bound within,
scorching every nerve to a tingling halt.
Reflecting on every word and action
over and over.

I scramble for understanding,
of who I am and what I am capable of.
What actions should be taken,
what few should have been stopped before they started.
I listen to an old country song,
lost in thought I reflect on the difference
between the two.

I am the dictator of my own life,
but I have no esteem to see past my failures.
I am the controller of all things that may be,
but I have lost control of the simplest thing, me!
I am the only one who can understand myself
but the darkness has put up a shadow
that not even I can see past.

I sometimes find myself talking to the shadows on the walls,
they stand still listening to my every thought.
They never move in anticipation of leaving,
enthralled on everything that I have to say.
They have no where else to go, you see?
They stand watch at the human form
that is of them and me.

I am frequented by emotional outburst
that has been bound within,
scorching every nerve to a tingling halt.
Reflecting on every action
that has ever been made over and over again.

Everything is lined out
in a perfect understandable fashion.
Accomplishments are joyed upon,
forgetting of the tears that were shed along the way.
Once lost was found, once feared is fearless!
I can see the difference between the two,
there is no underlining of ink scrambling my mind.

I am the dictator of my own life,
I have the esteem to see past my failures.
I am the controller of all things that may be,
I know who I am, I know who I may one day be.
I am the only one who knows who hides beneath,
the picture is clear like the horizon on a brisk winters day.

There is only one shadow on the wall,
it sits and listens to me singing over that old country song.
In harmony we walk together
nothing holding us down from the outside world.
It has no where else to go, you see
but to try and keep up with me.

I am frequented by emotional outburst
that is bound within me.
My mind tells me what will be,
at times it can be more than a little confusing.

Eclipse

Staggering into a room, everything seemed so dark
I had not had a drink, I was intoxicated against my will, I think.
Eyes focused on a spinning picture
colors ran together as one in a brilliant form.
A rainbow eclipse hovered over me,
I was enlightened to what I was not supposed to see.

I heard a bird chirp in song
he had his mind made up I could hear.
His plan was simple and it had nothing to do with
his life of normality.
He knew he could take flight
his wings had taken him on many journeys.
He could fly away
as if there was nothing stopping him.

As the eclipse of  colors swirled
I thought of that freedom
to take flight when all was not well
or just when he became bored with the same thing.
I could not help but wonder how that felt
to take flight when things were not up to par
instead of sitting perched on a tree to dwell.

The more that I watched him
the more that I wanted to leave.
A place that only held friction and uncertainty.
I was searching for something
that would not leave me reluctant of
facing obstacles that once were so easy to face.

The sky has now darkened
the clouds are bountiful across the horizon.
I can smell the moister building up
the ache in my body has come to a boiling high.
The colors fade away
as the calm before the storm leaves me in peace,
for what short time that may be.

Everything became so clear
I was thrown from being intoxicated
to a sobering feeling of reality.
There were wonders that was not so far away
there was beauty that most ignored to see.
Life gives us only what we reach for,
it gives no bounty to those who do not fight for more.

The eclipse melted away
as fast as it had appeared.
The colors found the way back into the sky,
a fading of darkness left the clouds bright
in a beautiful clear hue.

Some things are not meant to be understood
an outside look in was all that was needed
to reflect on what was important
and what was not,
 had taken hold.

All of me

I will not bargain for what I want
I will not take only part of what I deserve
I am free from needless nothings
I am worth everything that is something

I cannot take you by your stance
I can only except the actions that are shown
I cannot take the words that you say as truth
there have been to many words spoken
that were merely nothing more than lullaby fairy tales

I am a little bit complicated I have to admit
shoveling into my soul can be as hard as a miners job.
You only get what you earn
you can only see the sides of me that you work for.

I can give you the lust that you seek
I can give you sweet kisses along the crest of your heart
you only have one small thing to accomplish
take my heart in your palm and relish it for what it worth.

Nothing that matters can be bought
anything worth having takes understanding.
I can give you the core that my heart rest upon
I can give you the soul that hides behind my every nightmare
I can give you unconditional love and rapture
I can give you anything that you seek
as long as you can handle, all of me.

Echo

Two steps from the truth
a second glance into the aftermath of hell.
Beggars and pleaders beckon from their broken souls,
eagerness awaits them on the other side.
Careless thoughts hear the sound of the trumpets playing,
agony can find the heart in the shallow of its own darkness.

Pledging reluctantly against the dawn,
safety lays in the pillow in which they sleep.
Dreams become nightmares that are held dear,
remembering a time when all was unclear.
Tokens are not worthy of their cost,
some things are lost among the shadows on the walls.

What once was important
loses the glue that held it together.
What once was a hope,
turns into a dark and useless nothing.
Nothing is as it seems
when hidden behind the effort that only one soul bled.

The clock is ticking, as the time stands still.
The memory of accomplishments are faded,
as restlessness takes it place.
Tracks were walked that should have been ignored
time was wasted that could have been pushed forward.

You cannot change tomorrow with yesterdays mistakes,
you cannot walk the coals of earth
without the bothersome echo of a tormented soul.
Time has led us to where we belong,
the nightmares begin to fade, ever so slow.