Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I find myself in thoughts of real love and passion and how so many people allow themselves to be caught up within dollar signs or a life of comfort. I wonder what really lays on their minds when the sun sets and the night captures the reflections of the day that has just passed. Do they still feel the heart that was given to them or are they so worried about appearance that they forget who deep down inside they really are. Do they feel any self respect for themselves when using another just for a way of means. Do they bargain life and completeness for the rest of their lives just to make another happy even when they themselves have found darkness within their lives for so very long. Do they lose site of what matters just to see what does not? Do they give up the world for a dime a dozen life? I found that happiness has nothing to do with a wallet or purse, with just one mutter I had everything that I needed or wanted dropped in my lap with a pretty little ribbon. I felt so empty inside and no matter how much he tried to buy my love it mattered not. I wanted to feel alive, loved, understood, excepted for who I was no matter what and more than anything I wanted a connection that I knew we would never have together because we were worlds apart in mind, body and soul. I lost all self respect for myself by allowing him to buy my love which in the end did not happen. I have taken off the ring he gave and put it away in a darkened drawer where it shall forever lay. I was being unfair to myself for taking anything less than real emotional connection and bonds that are only shared among the perfect pair. I was being unfair to him for taking material things that I knew would never change the relationship we had. We both deserved better and knew it, he tried to buy me and it did not happen for I have more self respect than that. I tried to find a connection with him and in my mind I now know it was never going to happen. Know matter how hard he tried and pretended to have the emotional side of the kind of relationship I so craved he just could not find it within himself. I tried to make him feel it but I learned that is not something you can be made to feel or even really want, he was raised where that was not found within his family. His father and him never even uttered the words I love you until the day his father passed, this was not the kind of relationship I craved for I was raised to love through and through and to completely except the one you professed love to and that is the way it should be. I always knew money was not important no matter how much easier life could be lived with it and now I know for a fact it is not,or I would still be wasting my time with someone that will never hold my heart in completeness. I find self respect by taking whatever little I have or scramble for than to ever be held to another by the means they can provide me with. So I have laid down the ring of non-understanding and nonacceptance and picked back up my freedom to be who I was meant to be no matter where in life that may take me. I search for true love that brings joy to my heart and makes me feel alive inside, I search for dreams to come true with the one that I one day will spend the rest of my life with, someone who loves me for me and never tries to change me to fit their selfish needs. I search for what love use to mean to people in the beginning of time, truth, self respect, fulfillment, joy, understanding and most of all a never ending connection that only true love can share. 

No comments:

Post a Comment