Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Weeping willow wisdom

I am on this lonely road
expecting to see everything
where nothing resides but the
untouched earth that most could
only imagine in their dreams.

There is nothing here, just the 
peace of the wild in all of its glory.
They are also searching for
their own bounty of nuts and berries.
I laugh at the splendor that they
seek in this refuge we call the hills.

I am in my own world walking,
watching and listening to everything
that is going on around me. I know
that I am alone but yet I have company.
The company of my own thoughts,
sometimes disagreeing with myself.

There it sat, up on the highest of hills! 
A willow tree was beckoning me, come forth
and find all of the answers that you have searched.
I give all with nothing to gain, but a human
who shares in the same relentless pain.

It was beautiful, it had these branches that
wept in harmony with the earth. 
I remembered one just like this from
long ago days. I remembered talking to it,
as if it understood all of my fears and thoughts.
So I sat and talked to this tree, as if it was a long
lost friend of mine. 

I asked it a simple question, the one
that I have asked myself a thousand times before.
Where am I going and have I taken the
road that was meant to be traveled?
Of course I was not expecting it to answer,
but wouldn't that have been something?

I sat laughing at myself, looking out 
at the scene that this tree has had to 
bare the vision of for so long. It was
comforting to feel the breeze tangling 
the hair that I had spent an hour to tame.
I just didn't care in this moment of peace,
I was to enthused with the life that set before me.

Surprisingly, this tree answered me,
in a silent whisper helped by the breeze.
No it did not speak the words vocally,
but it spoke them silently.
In my head only for me to hear,
I was given a tale that I would not soon forget.

My child I have been through it all,
I have battled wars that you would not believe.
I have done everything from suffering the drought
to the floods that drenched my sagging leaves.
It has not been easy sitting here all alone,
but I have done it from day one,
You see. 
I was promised life, but not an easy one
I have had to work hard for where I am at.
My branches may sag as most can tell
but they sag in strength where you think
they only weep. I can take the highest of
winds and snow on a winters day, I can
take the heat that only July may bring. 

I have learned that lesson well my child,
and when you walk away never to return
you will be just another human that I have
taught as well. I have been here way before
your time, and I will still stand proudly right here
where I am, when you are long gone from 
this earths ground. 

I walked away from that tree
who suffered just as much as me.
I played it's words over in my mind
a thousand times before I realized.
It has survived more battles than I would 
have to face in a lifetime.
It has watched its branches die as
they sagged down to the ground.  

The questions that I had searched for
 so long had been answered right under
that weeping willow tree. It had
taken me back to a place that was so
cold and unbearable,
I now looked at my past differently, willingly.
It showed me that all of life had battles to fight, but only
those with the strength could find the
beauty that was just beyond the horizon.

I look back now at the beauty of the weeping willow tree,
I remember the tales that it told so freely.
I have come to understand what human life could not teach,
an understanding of our own selves can never be breached.
I wonder about that tree that taught me so much,
I wonder who now sits at its trunk. 

Thursday, May 11, 2017

my love song

I love this singer, loved his concert but most of all I love this song! It reminds me of my hunni and the love we have for each other even through hard times. Believing that there will never be hard times is unrealistic and lets face it making up is always the best. At the end of the day we have each others back and grow from our mistakes. I love you sexy, kisses from here to the moon! I wanna be that song <3

Friday, May 5, 2017

18 years already gone

My oldest finally moves on to bigger and better things soon. The thirtieth she will graduate and two more months she will marry. She has grown into a beautiful young woman who has found herself through a lot of lessons in life. I hope that she can stay on track and make something of herself after her break before she starts college. Hold them tight because time goes faster than you think.


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

The mind of a Manic

I have weathered the storms,
Came to my crossroads,
Picked my destination,
Just to get lost again.

I have cried my tears
Allowed them to dry
Picked myself up off the floor
Just to fall again.

I have felt my chest cave
My heart pounding uncontrollably
Calmed the beat
Only to feel the pressure build up again.

I have screamed my insanity
Misunderstanding what is obvious to everyone else.
Finally seeing the light
Just to fade back into the darkness slowly again.

I have feared life
And sometimes myself
Like a child in the corner
Huddled in wait to be rescued.
Standing alone I join the crowd
For just a moment I feel the presence of another
As I once again disappear into my own invisibility.

I have lived
And almost died
at the hands of the abusers
Some I still wish revenge upon.

I have searched for my worst enemy.
Wanting to set things straight where life seems so crooked.
I want to ask why life has never seemed settled,
why the sky never seems as bright as it should be.

I have asked the questions
That I need answered so badly.
I never really understood that my worst enemy,
Looks something like me!

I live in the mind of a manic
Where I want to escape.
Some of us are a little insane
Some of us want what so many takes for granted!

Living in a mind that feels unsettled!

Thursday, February 9, 2017

The Stalker Inside of Me

I see you
you're like a stalker waiting for your chance to destroy
everything that I work for
you take away like a tornado
you leave nothing behind for me
but the fragments of what once was
in a long ago forgotten day

yea you know that I hear you whispering about me
putting me down every chance that you get.
Nothing but negativity flung my way,
acting as if I will never be good enough for anybody.

I see you
looking around the corner
watching my every move
waiting for me to take one wrong step.
This is what you want to prove
I am always just an inch shy
of being good enough for someone to love or stand beside.

Yea yea, I hear you snickering
you are just waiting for my mind to blow a fuse.
Your clicking your toes together
ready for the kill when the time may come

You want to take my life
right out of my hands.
You want to take my love
from this beating heart that can not risk the loss.

You see things that are blurred in vision
making something out of nothing.
You hear words given by another
and read into them things that are impossible.
You scream your anger just trying to shoot me down,
you have taken every step in your power
to hurt me when things are always better
than ever before.

Just leave me be
just stop talking in riddles that you do not understand
give me a break for just this once
I cannot take anymore
I am ready to find peace and happiness
I am tired of you following me around
like everything that I do is your business
I am my own person

When I turn and face you face to face
you will not see love in my eyes
you will no longer hear compassion in my voice
I will finally rid you from my life
go find someone else to devastate
go find someone else who will take your thunder
go find someone else who will listen to you
snicker in their ear

I am turning now
I will face you
fear does not hold me back any longer
the tears flood my face like a dam that has been broken
A mirror hangs steadily on the wall
I am finally face to face with you
I finally see the person who has shadowed my whole life
who has caused so much friction
when everything for a change is just right

I am caught off guard because
she has my eyes
and her hair is almost to her waist
with long curls the color of fall
she looks like me from head to toe

I can see tear streaks have dried on her face
her eyes are almost hollow and cold
she looks bewildered
scared of the shadow that has faced her form
this cannot be
she cannot be the enemy
that I have searched for,
for so long.

With my head bowed down
my thoughts start running astray
could it be that the girl in the mirror
is just the other side of me?