Growing pains

 Let’s admit that motherhood is hard, throw in three girls and it is chaos. Girls love all the things, the dresses, makeup, stealing moms brushes even. Never ever did I think it could get more chaotic than a gender reveal that was suppose to be small but now is going to be a full out cookout/two family get together. I think it will be great but I am worn out and ready to escape back to my happy place. We have been four times so far this year but I am ready to go and stay, luckily so is my hunni. What does that mean as a mother though? With two grand babies on the way! I feel like I will lose out on seeing them like I want to but I also feel like as parents we are allowed to finally remember that we are human and life cannot stop at children and their children. What do we know about life? Well it does not last forever, we are like seeds of a flower in a lot of ways. We are planted into our mothers and grow, once we are born we then grow more until we blossom. A flower however does not last, it weakens and starts to become frail as it ages. One day it just dies! 

As parents we need to remember that our children are those young and vibrant flowers that have a full life in front of them and we are now growing weaker in a way. Before we become frail we need to learn how to remember who we were before we became parents. 

We can do all the things, be there when our children need us. We cannot always be there when they just want us there. We gave our children life and we can only hope that they treat it as it is, fragile! It is time for them to find their path, their dreams and to accomplish great things on their own feet. Easier said than done of course but we can hope and dream. 

Should we however forget our dreams and hopes in all of the wonderful and hard times that we have shared with our children? I don’t think that we should and at the end of the day I believe that our children want to see us go forward with our lives. They may be scared to admit it because as parents we have always been there to help and fix the trials of youth that they are now following into as adults. Practice makes perfect we have always heard, that also falls in the lines of growing up. 

With all of this said, what as parents do we do? Do we try and hold on to a life that was rearing our children or do we act as if we are twenty again and hit the pavement moving into a world that we do not even know? We are no longer the people that we were before raising children! We are no longer parents of young children that need to be watched over, at least not to their knowledge! Now we are a set of lost adults with no idea what comes next. In a way we are a lot like our children, as they learn how to be thriving adults and parents, we need to learn how to cope with our empty nest. 

Obedient anticipation

Prolonged pain suffers
at the hands of the given.
Steps backwards prove
the ending is soon to
come from within.

Strokes of ease help
erase mindful traces
of hate and departure
upon past memories
of long ago follies.

Tormented stares
show meanings to
all. Bound to hide
behind see through
cloth for eternity.

Tremors shudder
hands of faith lost
against timeless fate.
Obedient heart stills
under pressure when
faced with thrill.

Finds strength to
force fears aside,
forever to live with
decisions decided.
Abide by wishes
not agreed upon,
grateful that time
has finally found
my palm.

Traces of brief
light returns in
sweet harmony,
weary enough to
ignore maybe.
Smile reaches
shivering lip in
anticipation of
what if.

Prolonged pain
suffers only at
the hands of the
allowed.Backward
steps prove goodbye
is soon to come
in the tears of a
quivering smile.

Deserving tokens

Thoughts of the

mind play dusty

records of timeless

dreams,given pardon

among better things.

Perched high stands

freewill,only the

strong finds endless

fulfillment and 

completion upon

realizations that

life gives us what

is deserved.

Fights preserved 

for winning games,

energy saved until

life shows the way.

Dirt road paving

the way to beauty

and grace.

Whistling wind

chills the skin!Sun

finds the light

reflecting dimly

through a window

of grim.

Sealed tight never

to be opened,a life

of freedom in the 

safe words of spoken.

Pocket no longer

full of tokens!

   

  

Tears of tomorrow

Suffocating from life's
deeming tell tale tremors
of getting what has to
come in time's dooming
walks of loss.

Long gone dreams are
begging to be dreamt
in securities every lasting
hearts desire.Begging
God not to show cruelties
of what life is all about,
blaming him when we
know life is nothing more
than what time is here to
spare.

Tears of the unforgiving
reek down from soaked
faces of pretended smiles.
Knowing trances watch from
afar,devil reaches for what
he shall never have.

Blistering fingers play
along the keys of nothing,
thoughts crave yesterdays
life of carefree.Fist of
anger reddens hands of
why,shuffled along the
tracks of life leaves us
in denial.

Careless frustrations
show who is boss,life
takes all.Moments are
never to be forgotten
when showered upon
the forsaken.

Love finds boundaries,
walls come tumbling
down when in the dark
all is found.All falls
apart when nothing
equals right,no longer
strong enough to fight
what is right.

Yearnings for lost
time can never be
remembered,one
life to live has finally
shown us what we
allowed to be missed.

Tears for heaven
leaves streaks of
sorrow,along the
way we wish yesterday
was tomorrow.

Yesterdays lullaby

I cried last night for you
as I have so often done
time and time again. I
thought of our lovemaking
wrapped in each others
arms where safety has
always been found and
realized that just a little
in my memory my love
has finally dwindled to
an degree of uncertainty.

Steadfast I have held
You to my heart for
Years now gone by.
Never in my mind was
I to believe that goodbye
would be easily told to
my better half,for some
reason I feel it now.

I cried for what we have
together,the secrets
we so feverishly love
to share.Dreams of
days yet to come our
way but yet I feel the
ending slowly making
way to my heart.

I find our friendship
has blossomed to
it's fullest like it
has never been before,
we laugh freely at
each other like
children at play.
silly jokes are told
all hours of the night,
hardships are felt
in our plight.

I cried last night for
what I am losing, this
time by my own mind
of confusion. I feel
you where you have
always been, in my
heart and soul and
my very best friend.

I wonder why the tears
are now falling when
things seen so perfectly
different, wonderment
fills my thoughts of what
it could be. Maybe We are
like a game in overtime,
maybe there has just
been to much pain and
I am now to fall blind.

I cried last night in
thoughts of us, left
apart from my heart
I thrash. I want what
you keep at arms
length but not as
I done in other games.

I am prepared to lose
as always,but not
expecting the same
pain. It is apparent
now that the choice
is heavily left upon
your shoulders for
I have grown weary
but with a strength
of sureness.

You want what you
believe will not work,
soon enough though
it will not be your choice
anymore. I have loved
you half of my lifetime,
cried tears for what
you leave so easily
behind.

I am now living in my
mind of moving on,I
wish for you to place
all bets now or leave
well enough alone. Best
friends no matter what
choices are made but with
only friendship other
tokens are to leave
the board of games.

I cried last night for
what I have always
begged, soon enough
my tears will dry to
never be spilled again.
My soulmate is so very
near,it is time to make
our lives what they shall
always be.

For a bullies sake

Indestructible inability
to see straight in the needs
that have to be compressed
into the day ahead,falling
short of the strength that
is needed to guide me onto
the path that needs to be
walked.

Devil in his cruelest deed
taking nothing less but all
of me.Deceived minds play
havoc to life's beauty,
uncertainty spare's no
innocent lives in the
tormented days of fallen
hopes and dreams.

Success fails one in
a mind that believes
grievance has taken
hold of what shadows
the deepest of perplexed
feelings and heartfelt
cries of fear and doom.
Walking the halls of
hell as the fire consumes
bodily flesh with the
words of unknowing
laughter.

Complications are to
follow when happiness
is lost among the words
of hate and greed that
folly from the mouths
of those who just don't
see what is laid to rest
with what seems nothing
but a game of chess to
be won when tears are
to fall silently.

Empowerment to be found
in the pain of another.
Smiles to find the faces
of those to naive to see
the invisible scars that
are left behind with the
words of deceit and stupidity.
Another soul to be lost
in the world of love and
hate,no where for some
to escape but within
their own minds of
frustration and wishes
of death to take.

The arms of heaven

My thoughts stray to
the one in which I
belong.I wait for
the stars to link
themselves together
becoming the full
they have always
meant to be,patently.

My dreams are of
a past love full
of un-kept promises
that no other can
fulfill,two likes
coming together
as a completed one.

I search my memory
looking for that missing
piece that tells the
tail of what more was
needed even when told
I was perfectly right.

I feel within my own
mind things are never
as they seem.I feel
what no other could
ever find,his hidden
mind only I can find.

I would walk the shoes
of what another blindly
refuses to wear.Sing
the song of knowing and
feeling what is always
to be unspoken with the
unaware.

Forever only starts
when the doors open
freely to what all
wants but blatantly
is to scared to follow
through with.Wants can
only happen when both
sides are prepared to
do their part in love
and war.

The turning back of
time will never come
to pass,only can a new
future be rewarded in
the hands of fate.I
hold no bars in lost
time of regrets.I am
not the missing link
seen through the stars.

I would happily walk
the shoes of the un-worn.
I am to sit home and
mourn the life not given
when it is obvious I
am the one who wants
to sleep in the arms
of heaven.

The hidden mask

There is this hollow
cave that engulfs me
within myself. I fill
my voids that is fulled
with someone I can
never truly be a part
of.

I stagger through my
days wondering when
the fall will come
and leave me tattered
and bruised,from
inside out.A mark
on my being that I
know does not belong,
yet has to be.

Like the wind I get
blown away just from
the mere pleasure of
a filling that will
never be my complete
feelings.I speak a
thousand words but
yet I wonder am I
really ever heard,
does he even know
who I am?

I am sure that the
possibly of him ever
knowing who hides
deep within my soul
is just a dream that
shall never come true,
for I would know that
feeling and it has
not came to pass as
of yet and deep within
that is what I want.

Leave me to the dark
to bid my memories
hello,even in them
I am always to feel
so much more.I know
what I need and I know
what I yet do not
feel,but yet I find
my mask and place it
where it shall for
now and always stay,
upon my heart and
face.

Made up falsities

I am giving up,Laying my
life upon the ground.No
use peering at un-won
battles that were never
worth the fight of my
mind leaving me to always
be unsound as I remember
and look around through
the back door they are
always to be found.

You think you see and
know the story well
but the slumbering
truth from alls mind
shall always dwell
unseen among the earths
floor of misery that you
see as unpure along
the lines of the canvas
that within bleeds the
truth that will never
be seen by such a cold
entity worth nothing.

You walk the dream that
you deserve to see and
feel what hides beneath,
it takes heart,it takes
soul,understanding those
that you think you are
in control.You breathe
the breath of worthier
than another among the
streets that you walk,
you will be one of the
forgotten for in your
mind there is no other.

I will forfeit this life
that I have lived with
open arms and memories
of what once was so easily
given.I am one with the
past and inclined to throw
away the future ridding
all that may walk my way,
I am just a stray that
leaves her mark upon the
back of falsities.

drug induced beauties

I remember the days
when you were free
from the demons that
play so heavily on your
shoulders,just a small
girl with the world
ahead of her.

Ponytails and childish
smiles played on your
lips that always drove
my heart wild wishing
you were the baby I
yet did not have.Under
my wing I took you
showing you what love
was all about when your
own family was to busy
to worry about their child.

Food in your mouth and
a brand new room,you had
never had such and the
excitement on your beautiful
face was just enough to
bring tears to my eyes
and fight the battles that
were ahead,just to see
you in a soft bed and
loving arms.

I had to let you go,now
a woman with her own,
you are lost to all and I
feel helpless as I have
had to continue to watch
you fall to the hate and
greed that drugs and your
own hopelessness has
turned you to be.

A beautiful mother you
are no longer,a beautiful
soul I see slaughtered.I
have done it once,twice
and now more than I can
count.Take you back in
and fight your battles,I
miss the person I know
you are,I miss the baby
I more than once held
in the dark.

Where are you as you walk
in the same clothes as days
before?Why do you not see
a new beginning can only
start when you see yourself
like me?Your own so called
family puts a needle to
your arm,crushes the pills
that sets your nose afire,
when will you ever learn
they are nothing but predators
that care not if in flames
you burn?

You say now even around
me you do not feel comfort
but do you not see the girl
you have turned?Always
blaming the other person
like they have all control
over your life,the one that
only you can live.It starts
with you and no one else,
only you can drag your
soul now out of your own
made hell!

When and only when
you have decided to
take blame for your
own actions and be
the person that I know
you can be,can you now
walk through the door
that belongs to me!You
may say what you want
about me,no worries my
beautiful daughter,I know
it is the drugs that now
only speak!

I love you even when
you think you are nothing
but worthless and crazy!
I see the heart that still hides
in fear,stop letting others
tell you that you are nothing
and then and only then
will you have a chance
once again to be free within
and dance in the rain,only
then will you by yourself
stop the pain that was sent
to you by hell!!

I love you lacy and please
find your way back to the
people who really love you
and not the ones who want
to drag you down with them!
Please think of your babies
and your family you will
always have with me!

Forever blue

I sit and deny the words
brought to my attention
about my life and love
before now,I argue in my
own defense that I have
grown and moved on away
from the past that stroked
its wounds into my heart
like a knife finding its
way and leaving its mark.

I am ready to find my
way out of the dark,I
am ready to be a part
of the life in which you
wish to give me but
yet you do not believe
the words that from
my mouth are to leave.

I ask myself what could
it be that he sees,why can
he not believe what I am
to tell him.I think of the
drawer in which your
picture lays softly among
the shirt that matches
your eyes the shade of
the sky, I still deny.

I hold him tight and
feel the security that
his being brings me
inside and out but yet
there it is the thought
that he is holding back,
but why? His arms
wrapped tightly around
me but still the tears
fall smoothly down
my cheeks,I need room
to breathe.

I am lost and will never
be found for the person
I once was has been left
astray among memories
that I try to push aside,
but still I deny!

I lay in the bed and
remember everything
through the day that
we have said,the hearts
that we shared and I feel
me wanting to be completely
there but yet I drift away
into my own hiding place.
There I am left to cry
for my younger days.

But yet I deny that what
he says is true,sadly he
is right,I am always to
see you!Forever and
always my mind is to
be tortured among the
past, tonight I am to
sleep again in the shirt
that I should of long
ago thrown in the trash!

Shameful pride

Everyone thinks they know
the whole story,never do
they reflect on what hides
beneath.

In between the lines of
another's life,they just
think they are right.they
believe they can do better,
their life has never been
one of long battles!

People live in their own
fairy tales believing we
all have walked their
tracks of life but that's
not right,for some life
has given them nothing
more but miseries and
heartaches,battles of
long ago stories that
are far from the whole
truth.

Most could not handle
what they think they
already know.They stand
tall and proud,secure
and driven into believing
they are the maiden to
everyone's grace,they
should try to walk in
another's place!

Walk in the shoes of a
life not worth living,
feel the pains of another's
grief maybe then they would
open their eyes and stop
their made up pride!Walk
the life of a battlefield
from day one!I am stronger
than most could believe but
even I need to find peace.

So I shake my head and
tip my hat to the ones
who think they are all that,
I know in my heart that
they are to weak to even
play half of my part!I see
the world for what pain
hides in the dark!I show
respect to those deserving,
I help when others have
only concern for their own.

So I will beg your pardon
as I move along to my un-perfect
garden that only I can
grow for you have taken
up enough of my time and
you will always stand with
your own shameful pride!

Wars of peace

Sun kissed lips powered
by the heavens sky above,
candle light picnic sitting
on the oceans floor of
serenity and hope waiting
for the passing of time
when we all are tied in
friendship and love.

A dance to speak a million
love songs,an embrace from
a stranger that believes
in the world becoming one.
Sprinkle angels dust on
the wings of freedom,you
and me become one giving
each other someone too
believe in.

Missals stopped dead in
the air,fights of nothings
come to an end as all are
made aware of their hate
that is built on sin.Greed
for what cannot be taken
to the other side,we fight
and say we have pride for
the son-less families that
are left behind.

The beating of a innocent
heart is recognized as pure
and sweet,someone to treasure
without treading feet.A blanket
of security to lay upon our
flesh,the masquerade of hate
and war no longer where our
minds wish to fest.We wish
for peace and everyone's best
but we cannot get our acts
together and let our voices
be heard,we run scared!

We cannot decide between
war and peace,we drop to
our knees looking for the
answers to the useless
questions that we speak.
We look to the dark when
the light is where we wish
to live eternally!

We smother our words like
a pillow of protection
because we cannot heal
from life's endless rapid
infections of hate and
despise.We see the world
through lying eyes!

Forgiven

He will never see what is right
in front of his eyes but that is
fine,he can keep denying because
I can finally see and I am fine
without him or his deceiving.

I have found what I was not at
all looking for,my heart now an
open door.His memory still plays
on my mind once in a great while
but I can finally feel free and
smile happily.

There are times like right now
that I wonder if I was really
ever there or was my heart an
replacement,like a spare.Seems
so unfair!

I listen again to songs that
touch my heart,a certain one
means so much more.Unanswered
prayers repeats it's tune in
my mind,maybe now I will see
he was never meant for me.

I will love him until the day
that I die,but as a memory that
I loved even if his words were
nothing more than lies.

I can go now in a brisk step
away from him and may even cry
a tear or two,but my heart can
no longer feel alone,my mind now
no longer will go back to him
and roam.

I will always be grateful to him,
he showed me a life I had so long
ago forgotten,to love with all of
me,and that will forever be in my
mind his graceful memory.

Tranquility

Tranquility sets in thinking of my life and everywhere it has taken me, made to be strong but losing site of my strength as the years have gone by. Feeling like life put me here to hurt and not to trust a soul for the knowledge they can not be trusted no matter how much I thought life had finally proven me wrong. Go forward just to be knocked back again in a deeper hole one that I knew life wanted me to stay in. Tears of frustration and hurt start to pour from my heart, wishing I had never let him in and never learned to trust again. Hiding from life was what I done best, I had high walls built to never let anyone in. I built walls around my heart to save it from heartache never wanting to feel again knowing all men had to be fake. Now my smiles are once again fake, putting them up hiding all of my fears and pain. Never again will I give another a chance to hurt me, never again will I let my heart feel. I will once again learn to not feel, I will hide behind my very own made veil. I am closed off again never to tell another dream or secret, never will I give a man a chance to destroy me again. This is the only way I can once again find my strength, this is the only way I can really feel tranquility.

Turning the pages

Turning the pages in an unfinished book!

A book that is to only be finished when we are gone.

Reading the passages that has been your life, 

one that only you have had to live and write.

Turning the pages to so many memories, so many 

of them good while others you read in disbelief 

and sorrow. 

Turning the pages one by one wishing so many 

things could be undone but knowing our lives

are not to be understood and we would not be the

person we are today if we had walked another road

made of stone.

Turning the pages laughing out loud and then crying

quietly to yourself in anticipation to what is next to come.

Turning the chapters one by one, pages that have already

been writen in stone, coming to the end of what has already

been and wondering to yourself how your lifes book will end. 

I wait for my dreams to come true but no one says it has to be with you, I can wish and pray it would be so but time flies by and we all grow old. we can wish and pray for our one true love but life as we know it holds no one..

Maybe one day

Leave me not to feel despair,
beg me not to go away but give
me your life that needs me so,
even though your mind sees it
not,our hearts cannot be apart.

Your treading on a path that will
not bring you the true happiness
you so desire always worried about
the outcome that you yet cannot see.

You give yourself to what everyone
else wants never realizing they care
not of your own heart and of what it
truly needs to make your life something
other than an hopeless dream.

You live your life for other people
never doing what you wish for the most,
always punishing yourself for the wrong
you think you have done not realizing
even you deserve true love and a happiness
you cannot find with anyone else but
"the one".

You fight a battle within yourself making
your life one of your own made hell.You deny
yourself of all happiness no matter what the
cost may be to you.

You know I speak the truth in all that I say
so I have only one question for you so please
answer me.When will your own life be one that
you try to please?

I guess this we will have to see,I guess maybe
you will one day live for yourself and all of
your dreams.