Like, really

 Let’s just take a minute to express how bad the school system is right now. If you live in a small town you might as well just prepare for it to even be worse. Our school system says one thing and then does another. Honestly my youngest daughter has always been on the struggle bus with math, the more classes she has in math the more she gives up. Last year we done what we needed to do so she would be done with math, then we were told she would have to take one at least. Okay, fine… now she is also in one that I see no way can be achieved and that breaks my heart. Let’s set our kids up for failure and then get mad because they dislike school and refuse to move further with their education. Sadly our school cannot even get all of the kids in drivers ed within a four years time. I am unhappy that after this year i will have an empty nest but boy oh boy I will be sooo happy to be done with the school system. Sadly I know in a few years my daughters will be going through the same nonsense, then they will see why good old mom ranted at the school so much. 

I think this will just be my rant blog on everything that gets under my skin… nope this will just be a life blog! 

What has been the hardest thing that you have dealt with in the system? Has it been easy peasy? Or are you just as ready as I am to have it over? 

Through me a comment and have a wonderful evening……..

Point of View

 So I have been wondering what would interest my readers other than poetry. You see, poetry is so much more than depression and being lost. I have never really wrote uplifting poetry in that way though. I wrote poetry to escape the demons that were always following me. I also had some demons that I allowed in my life that I had to let go of. I would write in order to deal with them and myself! I have always heard that poets are depressed by nature, but they could still write in either direction. I am not sure how much I believe that. 

A doctor named Dr. Ludwig compared the suicide rate between different professions to each other and he found that 20% of eminent poets had committed suicide whereas only a 4% of other professions had committed suicide. You can read more about this in an article called “Going early into the good night” by Felishia R. Lee, written in April 24,2004. 

I find this strangely true without all of the comparisons! We have always heard about the older days when poets would commit suicide but it never dawned on me why. Now in todays world we can see it more because of the internet. We see artist in all different walks of life that deal with a depression, oddly enough we do not see that as bystanders. There is something that lingers in an artists mind that gives them the ability to do what they do, more so artist that write in some form. Is it negativity or depression? Is it both which give them the mindset to write poetry or music that we listen to or read that leave us with shivers? 

This is something that most people do not think about or even see, but I do. I cannot count how many times that suicide was on my mind or that I took a handful of pills with liquor in hopes that I would not wake up. I always did, I am thankful for that now because I am more clear minded and see what that would have done to my children. So I guess it was just me allowing demons to control my life in the flesh and memory. 

So now you see my dilemma; as much as I have always liked to write, I am lost as to what of. One thing that I do know, whatever I write will reflect the feelings that I have at that time. I have never been one to cover up my words, even though I have always been a blank when my depression is at the highest. Maybe that is the manic in me, that is a whole different story though. 

Empty nester

Lets not live in a life of unsures, we have so much to live for. We make all of these plans knowing that we do not even know where we will be tomorrow. We may not even be here on earth,who knows.I have always used this blog for my poetry,don't get me wrong I still write but not as often.I found a life that sometimes leads me down a path of writing,but in private.I found a life that is so full of the everyday hustle that the time that I had to write was put aside to love and enjoy everyone around me. Is life perfect?yea right! Is it better than it has ever been? oh yea! 

I am coming to a crossroad though that seems to have come at a pace that I was not prepared for. The road of becoming an empty nester. One more year and my last baby will be out of school. A few months and she will be 18! How is that possible? I joke around and say that her room will be my craft room, in reality it will just feel empty. When we become parents we are not prepared for them to leave, I have had two daughters leave already and become women. Nothing though prepares you for the last child to move on and become a fixture in their own home. Nothing prepares you! Now I need to learn how to live for me, live for my hunni, live in a world of not raising children. 

With this though I will be on a new journey that I may carelessly stumble on for awhile. I can say that I am going to be a first time grandma in December and then a second time grandma in February. Both of my eldest daughters have decided that they are ready to start their own journeys of parenthood at the same time. Maybe this will be enough to keep me occupied within a mind that is doubtful and unprepared for tomorrow. 

If you have read this far leave a comment on how you dealt with preparing for your empty nest. What kept you going? How did you look at your child without wanting to cry? We went school clothes shopping today and all that i could think about was the fact that this was the last year that i would take my child to get clothes for school. That was depressing and may have ruined her trip to the mall. I hope one day I can sit back and enjoy the fact that my girls are grown and was raised with hearts that finds love for everyone.

So I guess this means that this blog will have a facelift, writing down my feelings of growing and finding myself once again. Finding the woman that disappeared as a girl, to raise three girls that are now women.

Love swiftly comes to me 10/11/12

Love swiftly come to me,
make my heart melt again.

Forgetting the past and
all of its pain,feel again.

My soul wakes to a brand new
day,drifts back into place.

My fears to leave my lonely
mind,splendidly I have been
redefined.

A new beginning,a new life
teaching me that my thoughts
at one time were not right.

Love swiftly comes to me,and
a heart to love for now and
all eternity.

Souls to reach the heavens above,
together making their dreams more
than words to be spoken of.

Bodies to reach the heights that
were never dreamed of,in the arms
of the one I have always loved.

Bitter sweet memories to find a
new haven,new memories to take
their place.

Love swiftly comes to me,out of
my dreams to really be.Taking my
heart to a place that it will want
to forever stay. Your my saving
grace, my hearts resting place.

Weakened souls

You have to own a soul
for it to be weakened,
like the devil in disguise
I prove to you that not
all are weak that find
the dark.

We have an inner strength
that guides us from the
follies that life throws
at us,we make those bleed
that deny us!

We fight until the bitter
end,scars upon our faces
left!We never bend and break,
we only hide for your sake.

We are not fake,we are hollow
on the inside where once were
tears left behind.So I am
not weak you will see,
nice to meet you and my
name is Sinfully!

For a bullies sake

Indestructible inability
to see straight in the needs
that have to be compressed
into the day ahead,falling
short of the strength that
is needed to guide me onto
the path that needs to be
walked.

Devil in his cruelest deed
taking nothing less but all
of me.Deceived minds play
havoc to life's beauty,
uncertainty spare's no
innocent lives in the
tormented days of fallen
hopes and dreams.

Success fails one in
a mind that believes
grievance has taken
hold of what shadows
the deepest of perplexed
feelings and heartfelt
cries of fear and doom.
Walking the halls of
hell as the fire consumes
bodily flesh with the
words of unknowing
laughter.

Complications are to
follow when happiness
is lost among the words
of hate and greed that
folly from the mouths
of those who just don't
see what is laid to rest
with what seems nothing
but a game of chess to
be won when tears are
to fall silently.

Empowerment to be found
in the pain of another.
Smiles to find the faces
of those to naive to see
the invisible scars that
are left behind with the
words of deceit and stupidity.
Another soul to be lost
in the world of love and
hate,no where for some
to escape but within
their own minds of
frustration and wishes
of death to take.

The arms of heaven

My thoughts stray to
the one in which I
belong.I wait for
the stars to link
themselves together
becoming the full
they have always
meant to be,patently.

My dreams are of
a past love full
of un-kept promises
that no other can
fulfill,two likes
coming together
as a completed one.

I search my memory
looking for that missing
piece that tells the
tail of what more was
needed even when told
I was perfectly right.

I feel within my own
mind things are never
as they seem.I feel
what no other could
ever find,his hidden
mind only I can find.

I would walk the shoes
of what another blindly
refuses to wear.Sing
the song of knowing and
feeling what is always
to be unspoken with the
unaware.

Forever only starts
when the doors open
freely to what all
wants but blatantly
is to scared to follow
through with.Wants can
only happen when both
sides are prepared to
do their part in love
and war.

The turning back of
time will never come
to pass,only can a new
future be rewarded in
the hands of fate.I
hold no bars in lost
time of regrets.I am
not the missing link
seen through the stars.

I would happily walk
the shoes of the un-worn.
I am to sit home and
mourn the life not given
when it is obvious I
am the one who wants
to sleep in the arms
of heaven.

Time bomb

Camouflage grenades
explode behind my
heart telling me
that the time has
come to wipe the
wounds clean and
find the battlefield
clear of war and
useless battles
never won.

Opening of eyes tell
me that love comes
swiftly in and out
of my life just to
stop me from living
and breathing for
another second of
hopes and dreams
that disappear in
the gloom of nightfall
where nightmares and
lonesomeness are to
always be found.

Refusal of selfish
hearts and souls
calm my mind just
for a moment before
I see in the rear view
mirror of time that
this is a place of
well traveled roads
that never led to the
destination of home.

Blinded by spots of
curves the night
consumes me and leads
me to more sands of
swallowed pride that
only I must live in
waiting for the rope
to find it's place in
my grasp again to lift
me from.

Fallen for the devils
sweet words of lost
time I see heaven for
what it must be. A
picture of perfect
that will trick the
eye of the heart.Time
stands still lost in
sought-en out things
that fall just shy of
apart.

Meaningful things to
only myself,I bring
on my own pain of hell
searching for what
should find me.Losing
myself in the world
of forgotten I find my
own truth in tears shed.

Walking back to hands
of the ill just to
lead me once again
astray from deeper
caresses of thrill
that only the song
of true can solve
and spill into my
ears of wanting.I
betray myself with
wishes that fall on
a broken star,shines
just bright enough
but yet to far to
hear my plea.

A glistening of
never hits me off
guard in the waking
of time like a bomb
that finally found
it's mark.Wounds
re-opened leak the
feelings of past
deaths as I now
alone walk the dark.

Delusional foundations

It is in delusion that
life scatters new foundations
among the roads of less
traveled sparing the holes
that we are so easily ready
to sink upon destroying the
layers of protection that
took hardships to reattach
and fill in the dangerous
thoughts of yesterdays
soft melodies.

The promise of fruition
of a sweeter taste is
compromised and compressed
in my mind of knowing
better and fighting for
losing battles that I shall
never have the strength
to win or follow through
with as the dawn swallows
the night again leaving me
in the standstills of
yesterdays scars.

Poisoned spear reaches
already weakened body
of despair in the center
of what is in and out but
never found fair among the
minds of compared.Black
death of living in the
dark but being made to walk
the steps of the unbearable
seizes the light of the sun.

Driftwood stops the river
of pain just for a second
of a lifetime. Immortality
seems reachable and surprisingly
delicious even if just in
the thoughts of glory that
shall never come to pass.
Fringes of cloth unfold in
one desperate move of regrettable
satisfaction.Left alone
among the non-existing life
of told you so's in a hollow
of cold and played out games.

Walking away knowing in which
demons I play as I take another
piece from the board of life's
ever learning prospects of
loses and tears.Weak enough
to know better,strong enough
to want it anyway no matter
what comes to pass in the
lives of the doomed and
encouraging ghost that are
forever to shadow the walls
of needs.

Another lesson taught in
the salt of water dropped.
Another moment of perfection
that lingers wholesomely
in my heart of knots that
will just for another second
be forgotten on the spot.
Another smile that screams
it's frustrations inwardly
as it plays games of yesterday.

Silent stories

I love you more than
life itself, the scent
from your presence is
like the air that needs
to be inhaled to exist
in this life that some
think is a game of lost
and found.

The creases on your
face tells a thousand
stories that need to be
heard from lips to the
ears of the only one
who really ever cared.

I tell myself this is
not going to get me down
as I am enlightened to
enjoy what is brought
forward even if just for
another second in the day.

I warn my heart to stop
the pitter patter it so
loudly speaks knowing so
easily it will be taken
away from me.I am smart
enough to tell myself no
but to weak to listen up
close.

I love you more than any
written word could explain,
in my mind though I know
you understand as you walk
the thoughts that only you
can hear.I ponder away my
degrees of fear and walk
where I am needed even if
just for a moment in lost
time.

Hidden haunts

His ghost haunts me
in the flesh of the
driven. I am left to
wait for the night
to fall to see what
has me seeking the
death that will again
become me.

A token to sound
telling me I am in
the thoughts of the
only one that means
I will breathe once
again safely in my
restless sleep of
hidden nightmares.

I sit and see that
I have been laughed
upon again while in
the arms of what my
heart cannot stop re-
living.I am a fool who
needs to be carried
away to the heavens
above,keep safely the
heart that has learned
enough is enough.

Scent full of memories

Scent still lingers
on My flesh, memories
to never forget as
they find their place
upon my mind of softly
spoken past goodbyes.

I find allowance where
I should hide, I know
better but I am not
strong enough to abide
by my own mind of
warnings.

I fall when I say I
can stand, I cry
when I say never
again will that be
me! Never find
torments in what
should be forever
agreed upon.

I hate myself for
the tears that are
sure to fall and the
taste of salt finds
my lips where they
had finally dried
from long before.

I scream within my
grieving body for
walking the step
into hell where
heaven is to always
be found in the arms
of a life more grand.

A thousand deaths

I find myself suffering
a thousand deaths that
so easily faces me once
again everyday that words
are not replaced by the
pen of an angels lips.

We tell stories that only
we can understand,missing
words found easily that
never need mentioned.Proper
just in the heart and soul
of the lost and remembered.

My thoughts swept away with
your memory!My mind a haven
for the feelings of a once
perfect feeling of combined
bodies and souls.Hearts never
left in the dark as they knew
the others inside and out.

In blissful harmony we danced
to lost loves and what could
of been with another but yet
safely in each others arms we
could ponder for we had no
rules to abide by and a better
understanding of what life at
one time held for us in our
broken hearts of loss.

I am spellbound to live in
this place that I know will
only bring unneeded heartbreak
as it always has but here I
am to stay forever lost in
your beautiful memory taking
chances that I know is no use
because fear riddles the mind
of the confused.

Songs of yesterday play loudly
within the crevices of my mind.
I fear and I want to run but
there is no head start when
you are left to tare away the
biggest part of your heart.I
stand still and find my strength
as life yet gives me another
dagger through my heart but
the seepage of lost feelings
bare no holds when life in you
is all the gives me a whole.

It is not fair and it is not
right to stray my mind back
into those unforgettable nights
but in your memory I am to never
win.The only thing that keeps
me breathing is the thought of
never with you being.

Meet me where dreams come true

Meet me where the stars
fall upon the ground in
a shattering of blissful
energy,an earth-quaking
of life felt against the
force of the invisible
bodies of soul bound
lovers.

Meet me where the moon
tells us the story of
life where treasures
are to be found among
the living creatures
that sing their song
of grace and perfections
of the night.

Meet me where the sun
finds its way back
into the sky after it
has slept its weariness
away from the days
before,shining through
the branches of the
trees its heat can be
felt blissfully upon
our bodies.

Meet me where the ocean
sprays salt to our faces
to cover the tears of
loneliness that controls
the unknowns of tomorrow.
Crashing waves can be
heard hitting the rocks
of long ago creations of
God,beholding our spirits
for just a second telling
us where in life we belong.

Meet me where dreams
can always come true,
meet me in the arms
of you.Melt my body
to perfection in the
sound of your voice
and eagerness.

Meet me where love is
never missed,a kiss
to my lips to prove
this.On trembling
knees I beg,meet me
where the beginning
one day will end.

Masquerades

Masquerades of fallen
faces prance the room
of make believe.Slow
wanderer in and out of
the circles looking and
seeking the perfect
mask that soon vanishes
behind the person who
wishes to be seen.

Soulful imperfections
of what is to be found
underneath is shockingly
nothing less than intoxicating
beauty just as they are.
Hoops to jump have lowered
their standards and easily
understood and crossed
with just a breathtaking
moment of surprise and
wanting.

Reformed to be all that
is wanted and never caring
of what may be expected
or returned.Just two
beings left to yearn,
understanding life and
all the lessons soon to
be learned throughout
lost days of depression.

Mysterious reflections
search for shadows where
none hides for just a
lovely fraction of what
we so deem to call life.
Heaven so easily to see
and feel in the arms of
securities long ago
devoured upon the crossings
of tormented bridges
frowned upon.

Blessings of the mask
are created to cover
untruths that I wish
to hold as my own until
revived by the life that
one day may hold and
command my throne of
insecurities,which I so
desperately wish to
sink in the ocean of
new beginnings.

Forcefully I am for
now to swallow the
sour scent of living
without a soul to
carve into another's
as I breathe in my
hopeless happiness.
I work toward my own
failures,finding
myself lost in a
room full of masquerade.

Teasingly I search
for the mask that
one day will complete
me!

Puzzle pieces

Oblivious to living
as nights go slowly
by. Searching for the
answers that will never
be found. Wanting life
to step away just for
a moment as perspective's
are found.

Screaming,stomping
feet as you plead!
What is next?what
lies in the horizon?
Does life go on?Is
there another half?
One not seen before
now!

Aggravation takes
hold as conflicts
resides in the pit
of my stomach,I hate
myself for what I
desire the most.

I try to convince
myself I do not want
what I need.I tell
myself love is all
I crave even though
I know I am not in
love with who I stay.

Why walk down tracks
that are not meant to
be threaded upon?Why
suffer through heartache
of the missing pieces,
when across the room
is the one you shall
always seek!

Soulful lies

In the fraction of
just a moment lives
change and become
nothing more but
lost treasures never
to be found again.

The sun still rises
finding dawn once
again,cars still
drive by as if the
world still goes on
like it has always
done.

You drawl in air and
feel it fill your
lungs and you know
that you live but
lost is the feeling
of life as it once
was and should of
always been.

The moon finds me
lost in my moments
of failures and
takes me to a place
that I forever want
to leave,but yet I
am made to still
gulp in the air that
I wish would leave
me be in peace.

I taste the salt that
finds my lips with the
tears that I have held
in through the day.I have
once again found the
goal that I always give
myself in the mornings,
smile,laugh,push the
sparkle into my eyes,
spare my soul and lie.

The hidden mask

There is this hollow
cave that engulfs me
within myself. I fill
my voids that is fulled
with someone I can
never truly be a part
of.

I stagger through my
days wondering when
the fall will come
and leave me tattered
and bruised,from
inside out.A mark
on my being that I
know does not belong,
yet has to be.

Like the wind I get
blown away just from
the mere pleasure of
a filling that will
never be my complete
feelings.I speak a
thousand words but
yet I wonder am I
really ever heard,
does he even know
who I am?

I am sure that the
possibly of him ever
knowing who hides
deep within my soul
is just a dream that
shall never come true,
for I would know that
feeling and it has
not came to pass as
of yet and deep within
that is what I want.

Leave me to the dark
to bid my memories
hello,even in them
I am always to feel
so much more.I know
what I need and I know
what I yet do not
feel,but yet I find
my mask and place it
where it shall for
now and always stay,
upon my heart and
face.

Cravings of yesterday

I crave the feeling of
those tender arms
that lifts me up
giving me anticipation
of finding heaven.

Legs shake with
wanting and desire,
hearts race talking
to each other in
their own whispering
way.

A shiver to play
sweetly along my
neck as your lips
touch me in the
softest of melodies
that take my breath
away.

I crave that missing
feeling that sits in
the center of my heart
like a pedal finding
air once again warming
to the touch of the
sunlight.

A starlit night with
the sounds of the un-
known coming to life
as a million words we
speak to each other
quietly,only our minds
hear the words we leave
lingering in between the
lines.

That perfect feeling
of being one,being
intoned with another
person that will only
happen once in a lifetime.
No barriers to put up,
no lost words to hide
behind a mask!No reason
to be hidden behind the
flask of a drink,no lost
meanings to be discovered
when finally found.

The feeling of complete
just as being what life
wished us to be.No running
behind closed doors to
leave shadows among the
walls,no reason to fake
that perfect smile.

The arms that fulfill
all and in between,the
love of your life that
will not easily ever be
forgotten no matter how
hard you may try to find
another to take that place
that long ago was given.

No replacements can ever
walk the line of my heart
no matter how much I am to
lie and fall apart,disguise
with a new life to embark.

I crave the nights of
long ago!I walk away
back into the cold as
I put on my mask of fake
and bold.I sleep now
in the arms of another,
my dreams of you I will
always no matter what
discover,undercover!

Burnt bridges

Walking the shadow of
misunderstanding's
alone I suffer a
million words of
hopeless tomorrows.

I find I am lost
in between a dark
shadow of tormented
feelings and knowing
what I really need.

I cannot love and
be lost at the very
same time.I can burn
the bridges and sweep
away the ash but yet
I am always willing
to take the long way
and make the climb
that will get me to
the other side.

Heart flutters at
the mere thought of
such passion and truth
that at one time I
found,I look down at
shuffling feet and
wish to make the step
that may be the death
of me.

I twirl the ring on
my finger with restless
thoughts of lost.I twirl
it around and around
wondering is this my
final stop.Do I leap
or do I or give it back
to he?

Convinced I am doing
what needs to be done
my stomach knots up
telling me to run.
Steadfast are my feet,
my shuffle is one only
I can see!

My heart does not any
longer belong to me,it
has not for what seems
like an eternity.Why
do I keep a ring upon
my finger when I know
I wish it to belong to
another?

Burn the bridge and
move forward,keeping
rope beside me for one
day I will find the
strength to make the
climb that all knows
only belongs to me!