Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Everyone finds themselves, some later than others

There are things in this life that people will never understand, the meaning of life being one of the very most over thought subjects of all. Coming from abuse that has been found through my whole life I in recent months have learned a lot about myself and other abused victims. You live what you have learned and sometimes love and abuse are really one. In the mind of abused victims the abuse is what they think love is all about. Being used for others benefits or being smacked around is no longer abuse. Most will never know what real love and affection is, because they have never lived it or felt it. For myself I have always denied that, never wanting to believe that I could possibly ever search for pain. I have always loved in full no matter what abuse I have suffered since a child and I think that is why I hurt so badly now. Why I cry every night after trying to play happy throughout the day. The person who I wanted to believe loved me completely had been really mentally and sexually using me since I was an teenager, the sad thing is I know he was not just on my heels when I was a teenager. There were others teenagers that I denied because the thought that the tales could be true were so hurtful. I protected the person that I thought loved me so completely! Now as an adult and allowing myself to go through a greater pain than I have ever felt before by the same person who caused so many other abused girls pain, I see the truth. There are so many things I wish I could change and fix but yet it is to late. I am still dealing with the prospect that I have stayed on the tracks of abuse the way that I have. I am still dealing with my own inner pains as my past demons play in my closet of fear. There are victims of abuse that never learn how to love, they fear it like most would fear dying in a plane crash. There are victims that put a needle to their veins, trying to numb the world away as they are oblivious to everything and everyone around them. There are victims that drink themselves to sleep, just so they do not have to live their nightmares all over again in their dreams. There are victims who cannot take anymore so they take the easy way out of the world, killing themselves with their pasts. Then there are victims who think they have overcome everything, that had never lost their heart to love and dream of a better future. I had always thought that I was in that group, the survivors. But I was only playing a joke on myself, for I have always been in the group that stands still in time. Searching for more abuse, wanting to believe that it was love. I have found that two men in my life has caused me more harm than any others. The two men who mentally abused me has left the deepest scars that I now feel like will never heal. I feel like I am being victimized over and over again in my restless days spent on earth, the one place that for the most part I wish I could escape. I know now that the last one, the one who I trusted so deeply and that I thought loved me completely has been the worst abuser of all. And because I was so lost in my own mind, trying to find myself where I have never been, others have been hurt. That is something I can never forgive myself for, even though I know he never gives them girls another thought. Even though I know now that he has always been an abuser, only caring about his own needs and greed. I keep asking myself how could I have fallen for his tricks, I have been there, I should know the signs of abuse more clearly than others. How could I allow someone to destroy me to such greats? I keep asking myself how could I ever believe that someone out there could love someone from such an abusive past. I keep telling myself that it is my fault, I should have known better than to lay my trust that had been broken at five years old in another's hands. But I didn't, I was fooled and used once again for sexual pleasures that I mixed up for love because that is what I was being told for four years. But then again as a child I was also told the very same things, leaving me to protect those less deserving. I have learned my lesson well by you Scott, you told me that you would teach me things and you have. You have taught me to never trust or love with my whole heart for it will only be used against me. You have taught me that greed and abusers of others will always come out on top. You have taught me who you truly are, nothing like the face you had on for the past four years. You have taught me that the easiest to victimize are those who have suffered it their wholes lives. You were smart enough to pick the ones who searched for love the most, the ones who lived in a past of abuse only wishing to find one person who really loved them and cared. It was a game for you, you were right, you have taught me much. You have taught me how to be cold and I am tired of hiding past and present truths to protect someone who only wished for my hurt. I refuse to lie anymore for the devil in disguise! You are no better than any of the men who molested me as a child, you are no better than Tim who beat me for his own pleasure, if anything you are the worst of all. For the scars of being mentally abused for sexual gain has taken a very big toll on me and my life because I was so sure that my past was my past because you kept telling me right up until a few months ago that you were my future and that you have always and still did love me. I should have known better though from your own past along with mine. No grown man could have loved a fourteen year old, along with other young girls. No man with a real heart could have turned his back then on his own children for a woman just to please her. You talk about Tim, well at least he does see his children. Everything is not about money and when you learn that you will have learned a very big lesson in life. I can only hope that one day you will suffer as much as myself and others have suffered at your hands. I could never have believed that I would say that, but you see I have been talking to a therapist like you said I needed to do to come to terms with my past. Just as you told her to do, and I have been made to finally see truths where I thought your heart laid. I hate you and I hate the cold that you have placed in my heart when others try to love me. If I could not trust you, then who is there to trust? I pray that one day your dreams come tumbling down around your ears, just as mine have. I hope that one day those children that you threw away so easily reach your mind for one split second and you finally see what you have lost. I hope one day you wish for your grand child's arms, and they are no where around you. I hope that you suffer every pain that you have ever caused another human being, and if so there will be many pains in your future. Most of all, I hope that when the pain does find you. it is not to late for you to reconcile with everyone that you have hurt for the sake of greed and sexual pleasures. Thankfully for me, my eyes are wide open! Maybe it is time for your own to be opened! I no longer wish to be in the group of abused looking for abuse. I know I have a long road ahead of me! Admitting to myself that I have in a way brought abuse into my own life was the first step to finding my freedom and self worth. No help by you as you always say, I done it on my own!

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