Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Sometimes there are things that you wish to not tell, whether to protect yourself or another person that means something to you. You find in life that even those that you love with everything are not as perfect as you wish them to be. You notice that things have to come out even when it hurts you to the core of your being to tell but it has to come out to help you release the pain that haunts you throughout the days. You realize it is not as bad as you had always thought it would be because it was always known, in the deepest of emotions and mind, it was always known! You have to finally see that what you done for yourself was something that should have been done long ago for others. That making someone seem so treacherous in their lies was indeed truth that others could not except. Including yourself, you want to believe in others so badly that you lie to make them seem perfect where imperfections always stand. You have to except what was your past in order to live for your future, in order to see with clear eyes what you have forever ignored. I feel free now, I have spoken the whole truth that another has held over head finally and it feels good but yet, sad. It feels good because finally freedom has rang true, sadness in having to admit that those who swore to protect you had only one thing on their mind. I am a believer in brighter futures even when I did not believe they were meant for me. I am a believer that all good things come to those deserved, even though I believed my life was only to suit others in what they wanted and craved. I believe now though, I believe that I deserve what so many thought I did not. I realize that I did not lay down for a man at five years old in wanting but in fear. I realize that just because so many men believed I was nothing does not mean I am not something! I have been hurt so much by those who played the game of loving me and I have learned my lessons well. I know now that it was the man who hurt me and wanted nothing more than sex that had the problem as I just believed that is all that I was worth. I am worth so much more, for I have a heart that will help those in need even as I lay in my bed at night and need just one person to be something real and loving toward me. I refuse to be the person that men take to bed and think is nothing more than their play toy, I refuse to be nothing when my heart feels more than others will ever understand and can never be compared to. I have felt the pangs of rape and mental abuse since I was five years old and now I see that I have indeed let my past dictate my future. I refuse to allow it to any longer do so, I am someone. I am human and I am worthy of being loved and cared for without sex in the mist of what is really wanted. I hurt so bad, no one will ever understand just how much I have been hurt by others who call themselves men, but yet who are not. One day I will heal completely, whether here or in the heavens. And when I do I will be set free from the torment and abuse that I myself have allowed to be apart of my life. I am a human, I love deeper than anyone ever could and I am worth so much more than a farm that will never be what you want. In the end I will be who I am for who I really am as you try to make best of a cold life that will never be what was in the dreams of dreams that we wished. In the end I will prove that I was the one, while you were nothing more than a boy who dreamed of what will never be.    

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