Dried ink

I am drowning in my own nothingness
doing what I have always despised. Hiding
behind these closed doors! Hiding from the
light that once poured so freely within
my heart and mind.

The soul that once begged me for more is now
crying out for the release of life and enjoyment.
Now I am scared,
scared of what could be,
scared of what once was!

The feeling of suffocation takes me as its own,
someone is holding me down as I fight for the
opportunity to breathe air back into my lungs.

I am fighting
for my own life,
I am screaming from within myself.
Help me!
As I reach and feel for the
perpetrator that is trying to stifle the life
out of me, I am left to realize there is no one, except me.
There is nothing holding me to my death, except the
thought of living, the thought of moving
forwards in my own backward steps. Only
I still myself into silence as only I can stop
the suffocation that my mind is rendering me!

Life is no longer so easily spared as it had once
been so many years before. Life can no longer be
found without these tears of hidden fears and
insecurities. There are no wounds to be found
on my flesh, there are no scars that can be seen
by the naked eye. There are just these unspoken
words that I have missed along the way of searching
for fulfillment and completeness.

I live in trenches that are spiraling
dreams that run deep within my soul, searching
for the answers that are always untold and mysterious
to the deafened ear. I am hidden awake, faking asleep,
in this life that I am made to breathe!

I search for the positive that I so wish to feel but
I am always left finding my own negatives that
seem so surreal!

They are there!
I see them!
I feel them!
I am them!

There is a lining of ink made of my thoughts and
words that torment my mind, the meanings not
even I can any longer understand. I search blindly
as my eyes are closed so no one else can see
me. I am like a child in a game of hide and seek!
That is me! I look up at the sun, the stars, the
moon in search of the heavenly skies. I am
asking for the words that they wish to be
scribed by my hand, but yet the words
are lost within the corners of my own mind.
They are like broth seeping from a fork!

I can smell them!
I can almost even taste them!

They are so close but yet they are so far away!
I look for my spoon to savoir my scribes, the
ones that were made of flavor so long ago.

Even when they were absurd I could still
find my own rhyme,
my own feelings,
my own dreams and hopes.

Now they are left behind like the midnight hour
at the break of dawn!

As always I drift back into my obligations,
never admitting that I understand what is
brought forward and what must be cut down.
I frown persistently as I move forwards away
from myself hesitantly.

I BEG to be freed! My ink of torment and tears
once again bleed in this built up nothing-less!
I carry  it around like a satchel waiting for the
soul of purity but only finding insanity!

Fears of wonderment unravels in these words
that only some will understand but many will
fear by their own written hand.

It is those words that they crave,
they want,
they need,
they,
they wish to be let loose like the man on the
knotted tie of a hangman's rope!

I have dreams of finding what has always
been lost. Of touching the un-touchable
heart of Satan's greed and lust with just the
tips of my fingers. I feel these things like
they are burning my flesh in a deserts fire
that is raging out of control.

But I lay silent as my words are forever
forbidden in the truth that only I have
the courage to express. I have that power,
that power that calms all heat with just
one drop of water. Scorching out all
tales that are only told in halves! So I
lay down in hopelessness as I preserve
the fear that I feel as others only wonder
about.

In the morning when I wake from my restless
slumber there will only be one nightmare that
I have dream-t of the night before!

My words have hidden within me frightfully.
Never seeing the light of day! My hands I learn
to fight and control even when my mind is out
of control!

Torment remembers the ink that once bled from
my pen! Never to be hidden! What once was unafraid
now only caresses my mind! My feelings I now
hold within as it cuts me like a blade that is made
up of my own dark sin, bleeding out all that I am.

I am left in a puddle of blood daring all to tread where
I have so carelessly already walked! Closing my eyes
I now deny the words that can always be so easily found.
My ink I now let dry like the dew on a spring days
morning ground.

Tears falling from my eyes, I am left to disguise!