You profess you want answers but you really do not. You find that living in a lie with John is for the better. You will allow yourself to be used by him just as I allowed myself to be used by him. It has taken me a very long time to admit how cold he is. I protected him for almost four years because I fell for his lies of love and wanting to escape you but with no way out. In retrospect he admitted that he was worried how he could have his dream farm and one day take care of his mother without you. You may think it a lie but I am the only one who has told the truth since the first time you found out about us. I did suffer great pain when he stayed with you but I suffered it more for him because he made it clear to me and others that he was doing what had to be done no matter what it would cost him. He did more than once and for years now say that I was the one he loved "this was not only told to me but others out of my circle of friends". I felt grief for myself because I was losing someone to another person that was all but the big bad wolf by the things I had been told over and over by John. You thought me a whore and that is fine because I have always thought you a means to an end which has now been proven. You see I am pissed of course but I also think this is all so funny because he has been the only winner in a game HE started with us both. You see he now has no worries about if he will or will not get his farm, he has no worries about who will take care of his mother when he does not even have the heart to visit her unless it is to take things left by death! It has taken a very long time to admit what he is.
You want to call the book a lie because you do not have to admit to yourself that he once again betrayed you knowing you told him the third time was his last chance. You do not want to believe you were once again fooled "like I did not want to admit I was being fooled again" but you were and so was I. He did call me when my life had finally started looking up. I was not crying over him, I let my drinking problem go "that started when myself and John started". I was out going again, I loved life and knew that dreams were going to come true. I did not need him to make myself feel loved "I only needed myself and my babies". I was working with people all over the world, doing things I never had thought I could or would do. I WAS HAPPY! Then I got a call June/July of last year that changed me and my life forever. I was told the same things as before but now in his words they were worse because you were making him suffer because of what had happened. I fell again like always but harder. The reason I fell harder was because he promised me and others that he would NOT hurt me again and that he knew he loved me and he knew I loved him for all that he was. I once again believed in him and his words. You want to think me a whore and that is okay, don't worry I see now that he only has whores in his life. One for his emotional and physical needs "myself" and one for his financial needs "you". I went a long time before I slept with him again because I was scared of getting completely caught up in him again, but I did. That is my fault not yours and not even his because I should have seen through him the last time, I should have known. But when you love someone as intensely as I have for him it cannot be helped. Everything in that book was truth and I am sorry that he still finds the need to lie to you, me, and everyone else who enters his life because I truly did believe him to be the highest on the highest of pedestals. I thought he was who he professed to be. I loved him and felt pity for him being such a great person and going through such hardships with you. I thought he deserved to be loved to the fullest without regard as to who he was underneath. I thought him perfect!
I knew the last time me and him was together in a sexual way that I could not go on like that anymore. I knew when he dropped me off at the library early in the morning after spending the night with him that my heart and soul was going to be crushed again. I was as the book said, crushed! He swore to me still though for months after that he loved me and he was trying to figure out how we could be together and so I held on to that. I really now could care less if you believe the book but you should make sure you are right in statements before you try to ruin something that another put their heart, soul and tears into. You are the one being misinformed! I know you still think me a liar, but I am not. While he was texting you, on your trip while you were so drunk! I was laying in bed with him waiting for you to pass out. I am not the liar but I admit I was the one to once again be fooled by the person that I loved more than anyone before in my life next to the girls. I admit he used me just as one day you will have to admit he is using you.
John, you both may now stop reading my blog and trying to see what happened and what I will say next. You have killed everything that I have ever been. You have killed the person I was once proud of. You have destroyed the person that you professed love for, you always told me that you hope I never turn out like her but I may be worse than her now because I feel like my heart and soul has been raped over and over again just because I was stupid enough to love, support and cherish your presence in my life. I have trusted you since I was sixteen years old to protect and keep me from harm but you have harmed me more than any rapist or child molester that I ever had the misfortune of being used by has. I no longer care to be loved because I could never trust anyone else after the hell you have for four years put me through with your empty promises. You do not deserve anything that could ever make you happy after what you have put us both through, but fortunately for you nothing will stop her from keeping her bitch. As you said you do everything as she sits on the couch, you try to break out the romance as she does not even notice. I am left now to wonder if that was yet another one of your lies to pull in the only female next to your mother that has loved you with all of her heart and soul. You can rant and rave and be firing ass mad but while you are, take in regard the hell you have caused me in one way or the other for many years. Surly you did not think I would forever be the sweet, innocent, backward, shy girl that you loved. You destroyed that with your lies, deceit and cold heart if you even have one!
You two may now go along your way but remember I may or may not have been the whore, but you "John's girlfriend" are nothing but a means to an end and "John" you are nothing but a user for what you wish to gain! You see all truths come out in the end! If you had not put the one star she is a liar in the review you would still be in your own fairy-tale land! I am the whore, you are the money, he is the liar and user that we both are in love with. Life is a bitch but only you two have to live with the lies! Goodbye!
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