Beginning Thoughts
It is what I see in my nights
of restless sleep that torment me in my waking hours. I search for what I will never
find and find what will only drive me into hell a little deeper every day. I
have always been just me and that has been fine and I love the heart that I
have been blessed with even through a life that I could take or leave without
any turns looking back. Does this mean I do not love my family or children?
Does this mean that I really want to die in my sleep like I beg every night
before I once again fall into my own hell of night tremors? This is something I
ask myself every single breathing day that I am made to exist on earth! I love
my children but maybe just maybe they would be better off without a mother who
cries in her sleep for no reason that they could ever understand or that I
would even want to tell them. I am alone in the crowded room that everyone
talks about and that may be okay for some but I was meant to love and cherish
those who walk in my life. I am lost in the dark and followed by the shadows
that are to forever haunt me with nowhere to run but back within myself. I cry
a million unseen tears that I hide with a pretty smile upon my face that I wish
to let run free and to be seen by just one person that will maybe understand me
and understand what I am forever left to feel. I am not mentally ill by any
chemical imbalance! I am however mentally
ill by the life that I have been given and at the end of the day after I have
tried to make everyone else’s life pretty with a pink ribbon, I am left to
wonder;
“Did they see me”?
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