I am drowning in my own nothingness
doing what I have always despised. Hiding
behind these closed doors! Hiding from the
light that once poured so freely within
my heart and mind.
The soul that once begged me for more is now
crying out for the release of life and enjoyment.
Now I am scared,
scared of what could be,
scared of what once was!
The feeling of suffocation takes me as its own,
someone is holding me down as I fight for the
opportunity to breathe air back into my lungs.
I am fighting
for my own life,
I am screaming from within myself.
Help me!
As I reach and feel for the
perpetrator that is trying to stifle the life
out of me, I am left to realize there is no one, except me.
There is nothing holding me to my death, except the
thought of living, the thought of moving
forwards in my own backward steps. Only
I still myself into silence as only I can stop
the suffocation that my mind is rendering me!
Life is no longer so easily spared as it had once
been so many years before. Life can no longer be
found without these tears of hidden fears and
insecurities. There are no wounds to be found
on my flesh, there are no scars that can be seen
by the naked eye. There are just these unspoken
words that I have missed along the way of searching
for fulfillment and completeness.
I live in trenches that are spiraling
dreams that run deep within my soul, searching
for the answers that are always untold and mysterious
to the deafened ear. I am hidden awake, faking asleep,
in this life that I am made to breathe!
I search for the positive that I so wish to feel but
I am always left finding my own negatives that
seem so surreal!
They are there!
I see them!
I feel them!
I am them!
There is a lining of ink made of my thoughts and
words that torment my mind, the meanings not
even I can any longer understand. I search blindly
as my eyes are closed so no one else can see
me. I am like a child in a game of hide and seek!
That is me! I look up at the sun, the stars, the
moon in search of the heavenly skies. I am
asking for the words that they wish to be
scribed by my hand, but yet the words
are lost within the corners of my own mind.
They are like broth seeping from a fork!
I can smell them!
I can almost even taste them!
They are so close but yet they are so far away!
I look for my spoon to savoir my scribes, the
ones that were made of flavor so long ago.
Even when they were absurd I could still
find my own rhyme,
my own feelings,
my own dreams and hopes.
Now they are left behind like the midnight hour
at the break of dawn!
As always I drift back into my obligations,
never admitting that I understand what is
brought forward and what must be cut down.
I frown persistently as I move forwards away
from myself hesitantly.
I BEG to be freed! My ink of torment and tears
once again bleed in this built up nothing-less!
I carry it around like a satchel waiting for the
soul of purity but only finding insanity!
Fears of wonderment unravels in these words
that only some will understand but many will
fear by their own written hand.
It is those words that they crave,
they want,
they need,
they,
they wish to be let loose like the man on the
knotted tie of a hangman's rope!
I have dreams of finding what has always
been lost. Of touching the un-touchable
heart of Satan's greed and lust with just the
tips of my fingers. I feel these things like
they are burning my flesh in a deserts fire
that is raging out of control.
But I lay silent as my words are forever
forbidden in the truth that only I have
the courage to express. I have that power,
that power that calms all heat with just
one drop of water. Scorching out all
tales that are only told in halves! So I
lay down in hopelessness as I preserve
the fear that I feel as others only wonder
about.
In the morning when I wake from my restless
slumber there will only be one nightmare that
I have dream-t of the night before!
My words have hidden within me frightfully.
Never seeing the light of day! My hands I learn
to fight and control even when my mind is out
of control!
Torment remembers the ink that once bled from
my pen! Never to be hidden! What once was unafraid
now only caresses my mind! My feelings I now
hold within as it cuts me like a blade that is made
up of my own dark sin, bleeding out all that I am.
I am left in a puddle of blood daring all to tread where
I have so carelessly already walked! Closing my eyes
I now deny the words that can always be so easily found.
My ink I now let dry like the dew on a spring days
morning ground.
Tears falling from my eyes, I am left to disguise!
Monday, July 8, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Black Sheep
I have taken the dark
under my arm like a
safe house from the
world you dare tell
me to walk with pride.
Heartless souls work
their magic of stupidity
along the trails that
they walk on. You only
see what you search
for, close your eyes
and walk on by!
I am ready to leave
this world and meet
my maker whoever he
shall be, I fear nothing
but my own reality!
I would be happy to
show you the way, if
you are strong enough
to play.
I am sure you could
never live on both
sides of the fence,
you have no defense.
To me you are nothing
but a lost soul that
has nothing to lose
anymore but yourself.
You watch me like you
know me. You cry your
disgruntled tears where
only you have caused
them, you make your own
pain. I fear nothing
when I am out of the
absence of my own
mind.
I walk with a bounty
of dread that leaves
poison trickling behind
my every move, every
step that I take gives
you one less break. I
find what scares you
keeps me sane, only a
little insane!
I am heartless only
in my grief, my heart
is one that you will
never again see. That
is just me! I can cover
my body like you cover
your soulless being, but
never forget I see what
lays beneath. Nothing
more than a black sheep!
under my arm like a
safe house from the
world you dare tell
me to walk with pride.
Heartless souls work
their magic of stupidity
along the trails that
they walk on. You only
see what you search
for, close your eyes
and walk on by!
I am ready to leave
this world and meet
my maker whoever he
shall be, I fear nothing
but my own reality!
I would be happy to
show you the way, if
you are strong enough
to play.
I am sure you could
never live on both
sides of the fence,
you have no defense.
To me you are nothing
but a lost soul that
has nothing to lose
anymore but yourself.
You watch me like you
know me. You cry your
disgruntled tears where
only you have caused
them, you make your own
pain. I fear nothing
when I am out of the
absence of my own
mind.
I walk with a bounty
of dread that leaves
poison trickling behind
my every move, every
step that I take gives
you one less break. I
find what scares you
keeps me sane, only a
little insane!
I am heartless only
in my grief, my heart
is one that you will
never again see. That
is just me! I can cover
my body like you cover
your soulless being, but
never forget I see what
lays beneath. Nothing
more than a black sheep!
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Dwelling lies
The lowest of cowards fight
truth with lies. Hiding behind
false in a mind disguised. A
call out of the blue set all stumbling
back into the past. You search
for what you want even when you
are not man enough to take what
you have.
Dare me, dare me now, to prove
words that the unfortunate is to
stupid to un-ground! You believe
you can stop all in the tracks of life,
a phone showed all in your life was
not right!
Do I need to be the bitch that I have
been made? prove my side that was
not so long ago! A night in the dark
when you were left behind, a call as
I silently stayed hushed in the background.
Tears begging for understanding, your
part as always because nothing has
ever had to be proven where I am
standing. Going to the shower that
only stays in use, washing soap from
the body that finds no fruit!
I have stayed silent as always, for
your sake I have suffered much
abuse. This is where all is called
quits, tell your bitch to lay back
or as always all will find the truth!
Six months has been so very long,
within your body my body suffers
none! How long again was your tall
tale of none? For I am sure I can prove
your lies are wrong!
Suffered much I have done to well!
Your lies as always will drive you into
your own man made hell! A heart is
not the best thing to play with, for it
will always find the will to tell truths
where your lies dwell!
truth with lies. Hiding behind
false in a mind disguised. A
call out of the blue set all stumbling
back into the past. You search
for what you want even when you
are not man enough to take what
you have.
Dare me, dare me now, to prove
words that the unfortunate is to
stupid to un-ground! You believe
you can stop all in the tracks of life,
a phone showed all in your life was
not right!
Do I need to be the bitch that I have
been made? prove my side that was
not so long ago! A night in the dark
when you were left behind, a call as
I silently stayed hushed in the background.
Tears begging for understanding, your
part as always because nothing has
ever had to be proven where I am
standing. Going to the shower that
only stays in use, washing soap from
the body that finds no fruit!
I have stayed silent as always, for
your sake I have suffered much
abuse. This is where all is called
quits, tell your bitch to lay back
or as always all will find the truth!
Six months has been so very long,
within your body my body suffers
none! How long again was your tall
tale of none? For I am sure I can prove
your lies are wrong!
Suffered much I have done to well!
Your lies as always will drive you into
your own man made hell! A heart is
not the best thing to play with, for it
will always find the will to tell truths
where your lies dwell!
Sorrowful Melancholy
Noise conceals the drab and
destitute melancholy of sorrowful
misery that craves for the affection
of comfortable dusk.
Smeared are the gates of hell
with the blood of the less deserving.
Rejection is faced when life is
no longer on reserve, nothing
but emptiness and greed is
suffered when meant by the
grim reaper.
All falls ungracefully when sin
is found at the doors of already
taken steps. Careless mind fondles
the hope that all will be forgotten
with the last drop of hourglass
sand.
Crept away nerves no longer
strong enough to take punishment
where dues are placed and paid.
Pleasure bargains with pain in
anticipation for life to give one
more hour to apologize for
past mistakes.
Souls found worthy in the heat
of Satan's fires, hearts turned to
stone long ago now begs for release.
Time can never be turned back,
when all finds blood written in
black!
destitute melancholy of sorrowful
misery that craves for the affection
of comfortable dusk.
Smeared are the gates of hell
with the blood of the less deserving.
Rejection is faced when life is
no longer on reserve, nothing
but emptiness and greed is
suffered when meant by the
grim reaper.
All falls ungracefully when sin
is found at the doors of already
taken steps. Careless mind fondles
the hope that all will be forgotten
with the last drop of hourglass
sand.
Crept away nerves no longer
strong enough to take punishment
where dues are placed and paid.
Pleasure bargains with pain in
anticipation for life to give one
more hour to apologize for
past mistakes.
Souls found worthy in the heat
of Satan's fires, hearts turned to
stone long ago now begs for release.
Time can never be turned back,
when all finds blood written in
black!
A re-post of a poem that is almost a year old, thought it would be enlightening!
Crimson red formed
tears of goodbye falls
heavily upon my thoughts.
Falling tides of yesterday
found among the road
of done and escaped.
Lost time finds no
patience any longer
within this heart of
grief. Your sorrowful
words only you can
change, no longer do
I wait.
Love gracefully found
where only I sit, lonesomeness
finds you bitterly wishing
comfort zones felt what
you wished.Your choice
always leaves you fighting
within.
False feelings hold you
tightly at bay, no love lost
where some feels differently
than what is needed. I hold
no cross on meadows of
tomorrow, I have suffered
enough waiting through
my own sorrow.
Fear consumes me in
what may be, lonesomeness
though carries me away
from nothing changing.
I hold the power of what
love shall be, you hold fear
for what is not understood.
Debts unpaid invisible to
everyone's eyes, your depression
to some can never be disguised.
Play the role of perfect peace,
covered with smiles that find
no quality.
I am through waiting for
tomorrow, I no longer sit
and wait putting life on
hold. I am to always stop
living life when you take
over boldly telling me I
am the one. Sitting here
alone waiting on life to
ring through grabbing my
heart like only you can
do!
I refuse to sit and watch
you swallow poisons of
grief. Through the bottle
you find your only relief.
Connection always to
feel your pain, one day
maybe you will fall where
you profess complete
belonging!
tears of goodbye falls
heavily upon my thoughts.
Falling tides of yesterday
found among the road
of done and escaped.
Lost time finds no
patience any longer
within this heart of
grief. Your sorrowful
words only you can
change, no longer do
I wait.
Love gracefully found
where only I sit, lonesomeness
finds you bitterly wishing
comfort zones felt what
you wished.Your choice
always leaves you fighting
within.
False feelings hold you
tightly at bay, no love lost
where some feels differently
than what is needed. I hold
no cross on meadows of
tomorrow, I have suffered
enough waiting through
my own sorrow.
Fear consumes me in
what may be, lonesomeness
though carries me away
from nothing changing.
I hold the power of what
love shall be, you hold fear
for what is not understood.
Debts unpaid invisible to
everyone's eyes, your depression
to some can never be disguised.
Play the role of perfect peace,
covered with smiles that find
no quality.
I am through waiting for
tomorrow, I no longer sit
and wait putting life on
hold. I am to always stop
living life when you take
over boldly telling me I
am the one. Sitting here
alone waiting on life to
ring through grabbing my
heart like only you can
do!
I refuse to sit and watch
you swallow poisons of
grief. Through the bottle
you find your only relief.
Connection always to
feel your pain, one day
maybe you will fall where
you profess complete
belonging!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
A look into "Five Year Old Death"
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A look into "Five Year Old Death"
Every time I thought my mother and I were getting closer things would go right back to how they were. I had finally come to realize we would never be as we were in my younger years. She was so hell bent on finding her happiness through the tip of a beer can she no longer remembered what life was like before her depression settled in for good. My brother and I took care of ourselves more than she ever had. We made sure there was heat in the house and the outside was taken care of while she played Mario brothers like a five year old with her husband. We had traded places with the adults it seemed doing all of the chores around the house. They enjoyed the weekends the most because everyone showed up to party with them and play pool leaving me and my brother to clean up their mess the next morning. It did not take long for my brother to start drinking with the adults and we both started smoking at very young ages. I even at times would drink southern comfort at the young age of eleven, if you can’t beat them then join them I always heard. Little did I realize that I was going to be just like her if I did not stop lifting that sleeping pill to my lips!
The only thing that brought me real peace was playing or sitting by the spring house that sat beside our place. The water was so calming to listen to. I always wondered where it went to as it flowed so gracefully downstream, what kind of wonders could be found outside of this wretched place that I so dreadfully hated. How many times had I lain out there until dark wishing I had the courage to run far away where I could never be found again by my mother? How many times had I wished I was brave enough to slit my wrist and watch the blood pour from my veins until peaceful rest finally found me with no more worries to face tomorrow? God I just wanted to disappear from this life that I was made to live in; I hated everything but the waters peace. Was this what I was put on earth for, to dread each morning, to hate all that walked in my life? I swore I would never live to see eighteen; if I did not take my own life then I was for sure one of my mother’s many men would. I just wanted to say my last goodbyes to the earth’s beauty and leave the ugliness of what people really were behind me. Who would even notice if I ran away? Maybe one day I would say enough is enough but for now there were many chores and beatings to live through, but one day this would end for me one way or the other.
http://www.amazon.com/Five-Year-Old-Death-ebook/dp/B00DOP8JRY/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1372431635&sr=1-1&keywords=bathsheba+dailey
A look into "Five Year Old Death"
Every time I thought my mother and I were getting closer things would go right back to how they were. I had finally come to realize we would never be as we were in my younger years. She was so hell bent on finding her happiness through the tip of a beer can she no longer remembered what life was like before her depression settled in for good. My brother and I took care of ourselves more than she ever had. We made sure there was heat in the house and the outside was taken care of while she played Mario brothers like a five year old with her husband. We had traded places with the adults it seemed doing all of the chores around the house. They enjoyed the weekends the most because everyone showed up to party with them and play pool leaving me and my brother to clean up their mess the next morning. It did not take long for my brother to start drinking with the adults and we both started smoking at very young ages. I even at times would drink southern comfort at the young age of eleven, if you can’t beat them then join them I always heard. Little did I realize that I was going to be just like her if I did not stop lifting that sleeping pill to my lips!
The only thing that brought me real peace was playing or sitting by the spring house that sat beside our place. The water was so calming to listen to. I always wondered where it went to as it flowed so gracefully downstream, what kind of wonders could be found outside of this wretched place that I so dreadfully hated. How many times had I lain out there until dark wishing I had the courage to run far away where I could never be found again by my mother? How many times had I wished I was brave enough to slit my wrist and watch the blood pour from my veins until peaceful rest finally found me with no more worries to face tomorrow? God I just wanted to disappear from this life that I was made to live in; I hated everything but the waters peace. Was this what I was put on earth for, to dread each morning, to hate all that walked in my life? I swore I would never live to see eighteen; if I did not take my own life then I was for sure one of my mother’s many men would. I just wanted to say my last goodbyes to the earth’s beauty and leave the ugliness of what people really were behind me. Who would even notice if I ran away? Maybe one day I would say enough is enough but for now there were many chores and beatings to live through, but one day this would end for me one way or the other.
http://www.amazon.com/Five-Year-Old-Death-ebook/dp/B00DOP8JRY/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1372431635&sr=1-1&keywords=bathsheba+dailey
The words of fake
The poison creeps within your soul,
blistering your mind until it loses all
control of everything that walks in your
path. The love for life sizzles out in
monetarily turns, careless words burn
you to the core. Nothing finds peace
softly lain upon the ground of pain
and insecurities.
A turn of the shoulder warns all is
lost among the world of right. All
fought-en for is clearly for naught.
Fingernails grind what should feel
pain, nothing is gained when all is
slain!
A truth that you shall deny, for the
very one person who seeks nothing
but lies. You slain a heart that shall
never feel for the comfort of a bed
that with her shall never appeal!
Talk of lonesome, talk of fake, it
is only in your mind that you make
the greatest mistakes! Check the bill
months behind, there the truth lays
silent to find!
You can hurt who means nothing
against the crimson tides of green,
you will be the one who suffers when
all is reached!
Talk your stories, talk you pain, none
of it comes close to the one who waited!
You are a coward that preys on what
can be found, the wallet sings a soft
lullaby of sound!
I hurt for who I never knew, or who
stood among the dreams that could
only be faltered if wallet turns shrew!
Kiss a lip that feels no linger, for you
will one day see what money could not
buy, fly by, fly by, you are the lowest
of men that all woman despise!
blistering your mind until it loses all
control of everything that walks in your
path. The love for life sizzles out in
monetarily turns, careless words burn
you to the core. Nothing finds peace
softly lain upon the ground of pain
and insecurities.
A turn of the shoulder warns all is
lost among the world of right. All
fought-en for is clearly for naught.
Fingernails grind what should feel
pain, nothing is gained when all is
slain!
A truth that you shall deny, for the
very one person who seeks nothing
but lies. You slain a heart that shall
never feel for the comfort of a bed
that with her shall never appeal!
Talk of lonesome, talk of fake, it
is only in your mind that you make
the greatest mistakes! Check the bill
months behind, there the truth lays
silent to find!
You can hurt who means nothing
against the crimson tides of green,
you will be the one who suffers when
all is reached!
Talk your stories, talk you pain, none
of it comes close to the one who waited!
You are a coward that preys on what
can be found, the wallet sings a soft
lullaby of sound!
I hurt for who I never knew, or who
stood among the dreams that could
only be faltered if wallet turns shrew!
Kiss a lip that feels no linger, for you
will one day see what money could not
buy, fly by, fly by, you are the lowest
of men that all woman despise!
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