Wednesday, December 5, 2012

An inside look within the pages of "Five year old death", this will be the only preview. I am hoping to have my bio done mid January

Five year old death
 It is what I see in my nights of restless sleep that torture me in my waking hours of my own hell. I search for what I will never find and find what will only drive me into hell just a little deeper every day. I have always been just me and that has been fine and I love the heart that I have been blessed with even through a life that I could take or leave without any turns looking backwards. Does this mean I do not love my family or children? Does this mean that I really want to die in my sleep like I beg every night before I once again fall into my own hell of night tremors? This is something I ask myself every single breathing day that I am made to exist on earth! I love my children but maybe just maybe they would be better off without a mother who cries in her sleep for no reason that they could ever understand or that I would even want to tell them. I am alone in the crowded room that everyone talks about and that may be okay for some but I was meant to love and cherish but I am lost in the dark and followed by the shadows that are to forever haunt me with nowhere to run but back within myself. I cry a million unseen tears that I hide with a pretty smile upon my face that I wish to let run free and to be seen by just one person that may understand me and understand what I am forever left to feel. I am not mentally ill by any chemical imbalance, I am however mentally ill by the life that I have been given and at the end of the day after I have tried to make everyone else’s life pretty with a pink ribbon, I am left to wonder

“did they see me?”

  I want the fairy tale romance that will never come into my life for it has already been here but once again it left me driving down the road on four wheels taking any dreams I may have with him. I want to sit in a rocking chair and not say one word to my mate but yet hear a thousand stories through his heartbeat. I search for that person that you never have to see but yet you can read him with just the silence of his nothing. I search for what we had with each other and I am left to wonder how he could so easily let that go like we were nothing more but a rain cloud that would be okay once it poured its life upon the world. So many things I am left to wonder about as the tears run swiftly down my cheeks, so many things that I wish to escape beginning with me. I am left here with nothing more than a life full of grief that has been handed down to me since I was five years old in age. I am living in the tormented mind and soul of a five year olds death! Before you read any farther I will be blunt, if you are looking for a book of perfection and cover ups in feelings then this is not the book for you. I am writing of my life that only I have lived and no one can dictate or change a word of what I feel and or think is the reason I carry depression on the sleeve of a lost soul just waiting to be found and understood.  I am writing of a past worth forgetting that haunts me every day of my life!

I am writing the story that only I can tell.

First memories

  I really do not have many childhood memories that I can remember that are anything other but what bad dreams are made of and best to be forgotten. I remember certain things from before five years old that stick out in my mind like my mother being in a relationship with a man that really seemed to be perfect for her and us but as everything else she could not think of anyone or anything else unless it was for her own happiness and needs. We use to go to Ocean city all of the time and my stepfather “not by marriage” taught us to swim by throwing us out into the water as far as he could, at the time it seemed cruel but now it seems funny and we did indeed turn out to be great swimmers and the fact that he did not let us drowned of course is a big plus. We would go crabbing and just the thought of maybe eating the devil out of the crab tormented my mind and scared the hell out of me so while they were all eating crab I was happy with cheese sandwiches. It was not long before the end of their relationship that I realized, the crab was worth the fight around the devil to eat and to this day it is one of my favorite foods. If my memory is correct he had a business and it was right near the water, maybe a boating business but still yet not for sure. He was also a great crafter in wood work and made these little mirrors for the house and to this day I have pictures of my mother striking a pose in front of them for my stepfather to take and she was so beautiful and I still believe she was but she was nothing but a user deep down in her soul or maybe just lost to her own life handed down to her, either way I will never know which it was even though there are times like right now I wish I knew where she was and why she went from mother of the year to nothing more but an old memory that I wish I could forget.

 I remember living with my grandfather for what seems like a long time while my mother and m in a way stepfather prepared our new home. Me and my brother would stay up late at night when no one knew and watch TV and these old movies that I still adore now even though I cannot remember the names of them, I still see them. There was a little corner store across the street and me and my brother would always go there and get ice creams and they even let us get cigarette’s for whoever needed them as long as we had a note from an adult, still funny to think of because there is no way something like that would be allowed in this day and age. My grandfather kept plastic on his sofa and I really never felt at home there and was happy when our mother finally came to take us to what was going to be our new home and to us it seemed like a mansion and was so beautiful. Everything seemed like it had finally come together and we were back to taking our weekend trips to the beach and camping. I remember two things that I still today laugh about and funny enough they both involve my brother. The first thing was when we were camping and we were all set to go home and he could not for anything find his shoe and we searched and searched for it before someone looked up for who knows what reason into the tree and low and behold there sat a raccoon holding it by its string like it was teasing us and knew we could not get it.

 My mother at first was not very happy because they were supposed to be in the tent to ensure nothing like this would happen but of course we all had to laugh about it in the end. The other thing was once again about my brother, we had just gotten back from crabbing and realized we had forgotten I believe old bay for the crabs so we had to run to the store for it and we had the crabs already in a pot to cook and as everyone knows you cook them alive. We put a lid on the pot just long enough to go to the store and once we returned Willie in his hyper-ness went running up the hallway and within minutes we heard him screaming like someone was beating him to death so we all went running to see what was a wrong with him and there on his toe was a crab clawing him and it took some time to get it to release his toe and as the loving sister I am I still yet laugh my ass off thinking about it. That crab found its way into the freezer until we got back from getting his toe stitched and of course that crab was cooked alone so Willie could have the honors of eating it.

  My mother started selling Avon for whatever reasons, maybe they needed the money or she just wanted to get out of the house I really do not know the answer to that but she did. My step father had a daughter and she was way older than us other two kids and it seemed so cool to have an older sister to protect us and we would try to make her play with us but that did not happen much. She was to be our babysitter while my mother done her Avon selling and meetings and that seemed fine at first until life now took a bitter change that was just the beginning of a life to forget.

Five year old death

Tip toes on a toilet seat, fingers grasping

the windowpane until they turn blistering

red with pain. Chin resting between two

hands, if she screamed would she be heard? Or

would they walk away again? Why are they so

afraid to help a child living in fear and pain?

Be real quiet...

silently as can, step down...

tip toes to the door...

little ear pressed against it now..

heartbeat noisy, can’t hear anything...

hold breath in tight...

listen again...

no sounds now on the other side...

Hop back on that toilet seat, too small to really

see out. Give a shout, no one hears as always or

they turn their backs from the heart-wrenching

noise of a child being abused as a play toy.

Look at the door again, seems so quiet now maybe

she can tiptoe back to bed.

Be real quiet...

silently as can, step down...

tip toes to the door...

little ear pressed against it now..

heartbeat noisy, can’t hear anything...

hold breath in tight...

listen again...

no sounds now on the other side...

Hands holding door knob

tight, real quiet now and try to turn the knob inch

by inch, squeak! Close real fast and lock it up! No time to even peak! Back to the

toilet seat! Seems like hours have went by but only mere minutes, the clock shows her

with every silent tick.

Be real quiet...

silently as can, step down...

tip toes to the door...

little ear pressed against it now..

heartbeat noisy, can’t hear anything...

hold breath in tight...

listen again...

no sounds now on the other side...

Grab that handle really hard now, fly the door

open and run fast to find

another place to hide. To late there was no escape, beside the door he hid and waited.

Thrown down on the floor! left tattered and bruised. Skin raw

between thighs, tears silently

fall from her eyes.

Once again outsmarted and left in pain.

A five

year old died that day

on the floor of misery!

Her heart to live in

fear her childhood gone

in such short years.

She shockingly stands and walks away, a five

year old died that day! A woman it seemed was

to take her place to fill the void of a man’s disgrace.

Nightmares to live in her forever, why could she

not of been just a little taller? Maybe she could

of seen outside of that windowpane, made

someone see the tears that hid

on her face! Maybe through

her tears they would of

been strong enough to not

walk away.

A five year old died that

day, a woman left to stand

in her bloodied footprints

of pain...

For every poem that I write there is a true story that stands behind it and that includes five year old death. Once my mom started her new job at Avon we were now to be watched by our soon to be step sister and with her came her boyfriend and of course I will not get their permission to use their names so we will go on and just call them the step sister and boyfriend.

  They both had this stupid love for the game Dungeon’s and dragons and wanted to always play this with me and my brother but soon to come was when the torments were to start and the sexual abuse was the worst. It was simple the boyfriend would catch me and send me to my dungeon and she would catch my brother and send him to his. I did not for a long time know if she knew what was going on in my dungeon and I never knew until adulthood what was going on in my brother’s dungeon. My step sister’s boyfriend at first just wanted to feel on me and wanted me to feel on him and he at first found his pleasure from that and would happily tell me it was time for bed and not much longer my brother would also come to bed. The game became worse every time because I

was forced to play along and was told every time my punishment would only get worse because of my behavior of not wanting to play anymore. He made sure it got worse every time just like he promised he would. One day I was captured as always because how could a child really win against a grown man, I was as always sent upstairs and he of course would be there soon to follow but this time I ran into the bathroom because I thought I was smarter now than him and could really hide and make him give up and leave me in peace but it did not work as I had planned.

  I was in the bathroom with the door locked and my heart was racing but I did not want to breathe because as a child I was just stupid enough to believe I could not be heard and he would not know where I was hiding, He started knocking on the door at first asking me to come out and of course that was not going to happen. I climbed on the toilet looking out the window as best as I could and was screaming for help but either no one heard me or they just did not care about the little girl in the window who needed their attention so badly. He was not giving up and I kept going to the
 door begging him to go away but he would not go away like I asked so right back I went on the toilet. Finally he said he would go away and it was safe for me to come out but I did not believe him so I put my ear to the door and I knew he was still there in waiting for me so right back on the toilet I went yelling for help that never came. Back and forth I went and it seemed likes hours but yet I knew it had to of been just minutes but as a frightened child I could not tell the difference at the time. Finally he said this time he would let me rest in peace and I heard him walking away from the door but I now as an adult I know he was just using his feet to make it seem like he was leaving. I real slowly opened the door and tried to peak out but it was too late to scurry back into the bathroom and he had me already on the floor and I was soon to find out just how mad I had made him by hiding and trapping myself in the bathroom.

   He stripped my bottoms off and raped me for the first time ever but this was not rape to take my womanhood this was anal rape to hide the evidence from everyone and I am sure now that he did not think I would bleed but I did. He had me on my stomach and thrust his manhood in my anal and used his arms to make us slide up the hallway and still to this day I am left to wander how he found his pleasure in doing this but he did and I was changed after that and have lived a life of depression. I wish that I could say this was the end of such a life but it was just the beginning of what would the life of a mere woman child living the life of making men happy in any way that they saw fit.

  Life seemed to go on like this for a very long time until one day when my mother was getting ready to go to one her famous Avon meetings. I was shaking hours before she even started to get ready to go to her meeting, my stomach was in knots just thinking about the night ahead. I decided that maybe I should tell her what was going on but once I sat on the side of the toilet I chickened out. I must have had the look of fear or upset on my face because she asked me what was wrong so I finally told her everything that had been going on. She freaked out and called the police on him. My mother did not want me to have to go to court and go through the pain of everything again the guy only received a year in jail. I have only seen him one time since then, about a year and a half after the police took him from my home. I was terrified when I and my mom were walking to the dentist and out of nowhere there he was, he never said a word to us but just the thought of him being near us made me shake with fear. My mom hugged me and said lets go get ice cream, she said ice cream made everything better but it didn't.

  Life at home started to get worse all the time. My mom and her fiance started to fight all the time because of his daughter. My mom felt like it was somehow his fault that his daughter would allow something like this to happen and would be a part of it in any sort of way. He started staying gone all the time and after a while my mom started to see someone behind his back. The man she started to see was way different and did not seem to match my mom. She was so beautiful and spoiled and here he was a biker guy who had nothing but just that, his bike. She seemed to enjoy their time together and we were always taking walks to a little swimming hole for me and my brother to swim in while they chatted among themselves. Before we knew it they were planning on moving in together changing our lives once again but this time it just got worse all the way around. We started to lose our mom now to her inner own inner demons.

  It seemed like life now was nothing but a party for her and him to throw. They stayed in their room most of the time giving me and my brother the run of the house. We took care of ourselves more than she did because she could never stay sober or awake. Depression was taking her life over and I think she missed her ex more than what she acted. She went from being treated like a princess to having nothing of her own. Her boyfriend could not keep a job so finally she had to go to work to pay the bills and life after that went more downhill than ever.

  Her and her boyfriend never got along and it was becoming to affect everyone in the house and even family outside of the house seemed to stay away now. I think her boyfriend was starting to feel neglected now and was taking it out on me and my brother. We steered away as much as we could to stay out of their lines of fire. Sometimes I would go to sleep just to escape life. I hated the apartment because my room was just a twin fold up bed on the side of the living room wall and the noise from the television would keep me up for hours until finally sleep overtook me. One night he came over to me and asked if everything was okay and of course I said yes because there was not anything he could do to make life better, he was the reason it was worse. He told me that if ever I needed to talk he was here for us but it seemed weird but I said okay and went to sleep.

  About a week later he came over again to my bed and asked the same thing and like the first time I told him everything was fine. This time he stared at me for a long time and then left my side of the bed but the next night there he was again. This went on for a bit and then he started getting little presents for me and trying to make me laugh and it started to work for a while. I thought maybe he was not as bad as I had thought he was but all of that changed one day when I was taking a bath. My mom was at work and my brother was outside playing and he came into the bathroom saying that I never washed my hair very good so he would do it for me to make it softer. He then decided to wash me and I knew that he was as bad as I had feared all along.

  He started coming to me a lot but only for feeling and such, I had now grown use to this being a part of what would be my life and this time I did not tell my mother because she was not my mother at all anymore and could not be talked to. When she was home she was sleeping or drunk, she would give us timeout in the corner and fall asleep forgetting we were in the corner and so there we stood until our legs got so tired we would sit down and hop back up when we heard her waking up. She would say sorry over and over to us saying she was just tired and forgot we were standing there. We could see the guilt on her face and would always forgive her.

  One Easter we woke up and there was homemade chocolate candy waiting for us in the kitchen and pieces laying all over the house until we reached her bedroom where there was more candy than we could ever eat on her dresser and all homemade. She must have been up all night making that candy for us and for just a moment we felt like our mom was back.

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