Five year old
death
It is what I see in my
nights of restless sleep that torture me in my waking hours of my own hell. I
search for what I will never find and find what will only drive me into hell
just a little deeper every day. I have always been just me and that has been fine
and I love the heart that I have been blessed with even through a life that I
could take or leave without any turns looking backwards. Does this mean I do
not love my family or children? Does this mean that I really want to die in my
sleep like I beg every night before I once again fall into my own hell of night
tremors? This is something I ask myself every single breathing day that I am
made to exist on earth! I love my children but maybe just maybe they would be
better off without a mother who cries in her sleep for no reason that they
could ever understand or that I would even want to tell them. I am alone in the
crowded room that everyone talks about and that may be okay for some but I was
meant to love and cherish but I am lost in the dark and followed by the shadows
that are to forever haunt me with nowhere to run but back within myself. I cry
a million unseen tears that I hide with a pretty smile upon my face that I wish
to let run free and to be seen by just one person that may understand me and understand
what I am forever left to feel. I am not mentally ill by any chemical
imbalance, I am however mentally ill by the life that I have been given and at
the end of the day after I have tried to make everyone else’s life pretty with
a pink ribbon, I am left to wonder
“did they see me?”
I want the fairy tale
romance that will never come into my life for it has already been here but once
again it left me driving down the road on four wheels taking any dreams I may
have with him. I want to sit in a rocking chair and not say one word to my mate
but yet hear a thousand stories through his heartbeat. I search for that person
that you never have to see but yet you can read him with just the silence of
his nothing. I search for what we had with each other and I am left to wonder
how he could so easily let that go like we were nothing more but a rain cloud
that would be okay once it poured its life upon the world. So many things I am
left to wonder about as the tears run swiftly down my cheeks, so many things that
I wish to escape beginning with me. I am left here with nothing more than a
life full of grief that has been handed down to me since I was five years old
in age. I am living in the tormented mind and soul of a five year olds death!
Before you read any farther I will be blunt, if you are looking for a book of
perfection and cover ups in feelings then this is not the book for you. I am
writing of my life that only I have lived and no one can dictate or change a
word of what I feel and or think is the reason I carry depression on the sleeve
of a lost soul just waiting to be found and understood. I am writing of a past worth forgetting that
haunts me every day of my life!
I am writing the story that only I
can tell.
First memories
I really do not have many childhood
memories that I can remember that are anything other but what bad dreams are
made of and best to be forgotten. I remember certain things from before five
years old that stick out in my mind like my mother being in a relationship with
a man that really seemed to be perfect for her and us but as everything else
she could not think of anyone or anything else unless it was for her own
happiness and needs. We use to go to Ocean city all of the time and my
stepfather “not by marriage” taught us to swim by throwing us out into the
water as far as he could, at the time it seemed cruel but now it seems funny
and we did indeed turn out to be great swimmers and the fact that he did not
let us drowned of course is a big plus. We would go crabbing and just the
thought of maybe eating the devil out of the crab tormented my mind and scared
the hell out of me so while they were all eating crab I was happy with cheese
sandwiches. It was not long before the end of their relationship that I
realized, the crab was worth the fight around the devil to eat and to this day
it is one of my favorite foods. If my memory is correct he had a business and
it was right near the water, maybe a boating business but still yet not for
sure. He was also a great crafter in wood work and made these little mirrors
for the house and to this day I have pictures of my mother striking a pose in
front of them for my stepfather to take and she was so beautiful and I still
believe she was but she was nothing but a user deep down in her soul or maybe just lost to her own life
handed down to her, either way I will never know which it was even though there
are times like right now I wish I knew where she was and why she went from
mother of the year to nothing more but an old memory that I wish I could
forget.
I remember living
with my grandfather for what seems like a long time while my mother and m in a way stepfather prepared our new home. Me and my brother would stay up late at
night when no one knew and watch TV and these old movies that I still adore now
even though I cannot remember the names of them, I still see them. There was a
little corner store across the street and me and my brother would always go
there and get ice creams and they even let us get cigarette’s for whoever needed
them as long as we had a note from an adult, still funny to think of because
there is no way something like that would be allowed in this day and age. My
grandfather kept plastic on his sofa and I really never felt at home there and
was happy when our mother finally came to take us to what was going to be our
new home and to us it seemed like a mansion and was so beautiful. Everything
seemed like it had finally come together and we were back to taking our weekend
trips to the beach and camping. I remember two things that I still today laugh
about and funny enough they both involve my brother. The first thing was when
we were camping and we were all set to go home and he could not for anything
find his shoe and we searched and searched for it before someone looked up for
who knows what reason into the tree and low and behold there sat a raccoon
holding it by its string like it was teasing us and knew we could not get it.
My mother at first was not very happy because they were supposed
to be in the tent to ensure nothing like this would happen but of course we all
had to laugh about it in the end. The other thing was once again about my
brother, we had just gotten back from crabbing and realized we had forgotten I
believe old bay for the crabs so we had to run to the store for it and we had
the crabs already in a pot to cook and as everyone knows you cook them alive.
We put a lid on the pot just long enough to go to the store and once we
returned Willie in his hyper-ness went running up the hallway and within
minutes we heard him screaming like someone was beating him to death so we all
went running to see what was a wrong with him and there on his toe was a crab
clawing him and it took some time to get it to release his toe and as the
loving sister I am I still yet laugh my ass off thinking about it. That crab
found its way into the freezer until we got back from getting his toe stitched
and of course that crab was cooked alone so Willie could have the honors of
eating it.
My mother started
selling Avon for whatever reasons, maybe they needed the money or she just
wanted to get out of the house I really do not know the answer to that but she
did. My step father had a daughter and she was way older than us other two kids
and it seemed so cool to have an older sister to protect us and we would try to
make her play with us but that did not happen much. She was to be our
babysitter while my mother done her Avon selling and meetings and that seemed
fine at first until life now took a bitter change that was just the beginning
of a life to forget.
Five year old
death
Tip toes on a toilet seat, fingers
grasping
the windowpane until they turn
blistering
red with pain. Chin resting between
two
hands, if she screamed would she be
heard? Or
would they walk away again? Why are
they so
afraid to help a child living in fear
and pain?
Be real quiet...
silently as can, step down...
tip toes to the door...
little ear pressed against it now..
heartbeat noisy, can’t hear
anything...
hold breath in tight...
listen again...
no sounds now on the other side...
Hop back on that toilet seat, too
small to really
see out. Give a shout, no one hears
as always or
they turn their backs from the
heart-wrenching
noise of a child being abused as a
play toy.
Look at the door again, seems so
quiet now maybe
she can tiptoe back to bed.
Be real quiet...
silently as can, step down...
tip toes to the door...
little ear pressed against it now..
heartbeat noisy, can’t hear
anything...
hold breath in tight...
listen again...
no sounds now on the other side...
Hands holding door knob
tight, real quiet now and try to turn
the knob inch
by inch, squeak! Close real fast and
lock it up! No time to even peak! Back to the
toilet seat! Seems like hours have
went by but only mere minutes, the clock shows her
with every silent tick.
Be real quiet...
silently as can, step down...
tip toes to the door...
little ear pressed against it now..
heartbeat noisy, can’t hear
anything...
hold breath in tight...
listen again...
no sounds now on the other side...
Grab that handle really hard now, fly
the door
open and run fast to find
another place to hide. To late there
was no escape, beside the door he hid and waited.
Thrown down on the floor! left tattered
and bruised. Skin raw
between thighs, tears silently
fall from her eyes.
Once again outsmarted and left in pain.
A five
year old died that day
on the floor of misery!
Her heart to live in
fear her childhood gone
in such short years.
She shockingly stands and walks away,
a five
year old died that day! A woman it
seemed was
to take her place to fill the void of
a man’s disgrace.
Nightmares to live in her forever,
why could she
not of been just a little taller?
Maybe she could
of seen outside of that windowpane,
made
someone see the tears that hid
on her face! Maybe through
her tears they would of
been strong enough to not
walk away.
A five year old died that
day, a woman left to stand
in her bloodied footprints
of pain...
For every poem that I write there is a true story that stands
behind it and that includes five year old death. Once my mom started her new
job at Avon we were now to be watched by our soon to be step sister and with
her came her boyfriend and of course I will not get their permission to use
their names so we will go on and just call them the step sister and boyfriend.
They both had this
stupid love for the game Dungeon’s and dragons and wanted to always play this
with me and my brother but soon to come was when the torments were to start and
the sexual abuse was the worst. It was simple the boyfriend would catch me and
send me to my dungeon and she would catch my brother and send him to his. I did
not for a long time know if she knew what was going on in my dungeon and I
never knew until adulthood what was going on in my brother’s dungeon. My step
sister’s boyfriend at first just wanted to feel on me and wanted me to feel on
him and he at first found his pleasure from that and would happily tell me it
was time for bed and not much longer my brother would also come to bed. The
game became worse every time because I
was forced to play along and was told every time my
punishment would only get worse because of my behavior of not wanting to play
anymore. He made sure it got worse every time just like he promised he would.
One day I was captured as always because how could a child really win against a
grown man, I was as always sent upstairs and he of course would be there soon
to follow but this time I ran into the bathroom because I thought I was smarter
now than him and could really hide and make him give up and leave me in peace
but it did not work as I had planned.
I was in the bathroom
with the door locked and my heart was racing but I did not want to breathe
because as a child I was just stupid enough to believe I could not be heard and
he would not know where I was hiding, He started knocking on the door at first
asking me to come out and of course that was not going to happen. I climbed on
the toilet looking out the window as best as I could and was screaming for help
but either no one heard me or they just did not care about the little girl in
the window who needed their attention so badly. He was not giving up and I kept
going to the
door begging him to go
away but he would not go away like I asked so right back I went on the toilet.
Finally he said he would go away and it was safe for me to come out but I did
not believe him so I put my ear to the door and I knew he was still there in
waiting for me so right back on the toilet I went yelling for help that never
came. Back and forth I went and it seemed likes hours but yet I knew it had to
of been just minutes but as a frightened child I could not tell the difference
at the time. Finally he said this time he would let me rest in peace and I
heard him walking away from the door but I now as an adult I know he was just
using his feet to make it seem like he was leaving. I real slowly opened the
door and tried to peak out but it was too late to scurry back into the bathroom
and he had me already on the floor and I was soon to find out just how mad I
had made him by hiding and trapping myself in the bathroom.
He stripped my
bottoms off and raped me for the first time ever but this was not rape to take
my womanhood this was anal rape to hide the evidence from everyone and I am
sure now that he did not think I would bleed but I did. He had me on my stomach
and thrust his manhood in my anal and used his arms to make us slide up the
hallway and still to this day I am left to wander how he found his pleasure in
doing this but he did and I was changed after that and have lived a life of
depression. I wish that I could say this was the end of such a life but it was
just the beginning of what would the life of a mere woman child living the life
of making men happy in any way that they saw fit.
Life seemed to go on
like this for a very long time until one day when my mother was getting ready
to go to one her famous Avon meetings. I was shaking hours before she even
started to get ready to go to her meeting, my stomach was in knots just
thinking about the night ahead. I decided that maybe I should tell her what was
going on but once I sat on the side of the toilet I chickened out. I must have
had the look of fear or upset on my face because she asked me what was wrong so
I finally told her everything that had been going on. She freaked out and
called the police on him. My mother did not want me to have to go to court and
go through the pain of everything again the guy only received a year in jail. I
have only seen him one time since then, about a year and a half after the
police took him from my home. I was terrified when I and my mom were walking to
the dentist and out of nowhere there he was, he never said a word to us but
just the thought of him being near us made me shake with fear. My mom hugged me
and said lets go get ice cream, she said ice cream made everything better but
it didn't.
Life at home started
to get worse all the time. My mom and her fiance started to fight all the time
because of his daughter. My mom felt like it was somehow his fault that his
daughter would allow something like this to happen and would be a part of it in
any sort of way. He started staying gone all the time and after a while my mom
started to see someone behind his back. The man she started to see was way
different and did not seem to match my mom. She was so beautiful and spoiled and
here he was a biker guy who had nothing but just that, his bike. She seemed to
enjoy their time together and we were always taking walks to a little swimming
hole for me and my brother to swim in while they chatted among themselves. Before we knew it they were planning on moving in together
changing our lives once again but this time it just got worse all the way
around. We started to lose our mom now to her inner own inner demons.
It seemed like life
now was nothing but a party for her and him to throw. They stayed in their room
most of the time giving me and my brother the run of the house. We took care of
ourselves more than she did because she could never stay sober or awake.
Depression was taking her life over and I think she missed her ex more than
what she acted. She went from being treated like a princess to having nothing
of her own. Her boyfriend could not keep a job so finally she had to go to work
to pay the bills and life after that went more downhill than ever.
Her and her boyfriend
never got along and it was becoming to affect everyone in the house and even
family outside of the house seemed to stay away now. I think her boyfriend was
starting to feel neglected now and was taking it out on me and my brother. We
steered away as much as we could to stay out of their lines of fire. Sometimes
I would go to sleep just to escape life. I hated the apartment because my room
was just a twin fold up bed on the side of the living room wall and the noise
from the television would keep me up for hours until finally sleep overtook me.
One night he came over to me and asked if everything was okay and of course I
said yes because there was not anything he could do to make life better, he was
the reason it was worse. He told me that if ever I needed to talk he was here
for us but it seemed weird but I said okay and went to sleep.
About a week later he
came over again to my bed and asked the same thing and like the first time I
told him everything was fine. This time he stared at me for a long time and
then left my side of the bed but the next night there he was again. This went on
for a bit and then he started getting little presents for me and trying to make
me laugh and it started to work for a while. I thought maybe he was not as bad
as I had thought he was but all of that changed one day when I was taking a
bath. My mom was at work and my brother was outside playing and he came into
the bathroom saying that I never washed my hair very good so he would do it for
me to make it softer. He then decided to wash me and I knew that he was as bad
as I had feared all along.
He started coming to
me a lot but only for feeling and such, I had now grown use to this being a
part of what would be my life and this time I did not tell my mother because
she was not my mother at all anymore and could not be talked to. When she was
home she was sleeping or drunk, she would give us timeout in the corner and
fall asleep forgetting we were in the corner and so there we stood until our
legs got so tired we would sit down and hop back up when we heard her waking
up. She would say sorry over and over to us saying she was just tired and
forgot we were standing there. We could see the guilt on her face and would
always forgive her.
One Easter we woke up
and there was homemade chocolate candy waiting for us in the kitchen and pieces
laying all over the house until we reached her bedroom where there was more candy
than we could ever eat on her dresser and all homemade. She must have been up
all night making that candy for us and for just a moment we felt like our mom
was back.
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