Dried ink

I am drowning in my own nothingness as
I do what I have always despised. I am hiding
behind these closed doors! I hide from that
light, that one the use to pour so freely within
my heart. My soul use to beg me for more, it
cried out for the release of life and enjoyment.
Now I am scared, I am scared of what could be,
I am scared of what once was! The feeling of my
own breath suffocates me "until", until I reach
and feel that nothing and no one is holding me by
my throat. It is just the thought of life that stills
me into silence!

Life is no longer easily spared as it had been
so many years before. Life can no longer be
found without these tears of hidden fears and
insecurities. There are no wounds to be found
on my flesh, there are no scars that can be seen
by the naked eye. There are just these unspoken
words that are missed along the way of fulfillment.

Trenches of spiraling dreams run deep within
my soul,they are searching for the answers that
are always untold. I am hidden awake as I am
faking asleep, in this life that I am made to breathe.
I search for the positive that I wish to feel but I
am always left finding my own negatives that seem
so surreal! They are there! I see them! I feel them!
I am them!

A lining of ink made of thoughts and words
torment my mind, the meanings not even
I can any longer understand.I search blindly
as my eyes are closed so no one else can see
me. I am like a child in a game of hide in seek!
That is me! I look up at the sun, the stars, the
moon in search of the heavenly skies and the
words that they wish to be scribed, but yet still
the words are lost within the corners of my
own mind. They are like broth leaking from
a fork, I can smell them, I can almost taste them.
They are so close but yet so far away. I look
for my spoon to savoir my scribes, the ones
that use to be made of flavor. Even when they
were absurd I could still find my own rhyme,
my own feelings, my own dreams and hopes.
Now they are left behind like the midnight hour
at the break of dawn!

As always I drift back into my obligations,
never admitting that I understand what is
brought forward and what must be cut down.
I frown persistently as I move forwards away
from myself hesitantly. I beg to be freed, my
ink of torment and tears to once again bleed
in built up nothing-less. Fears of wonderment
unravels in these words that only some will
understand but many will fear by their own
written hand.

The only nightmares I dreamt of last night were
my own words that hid within me frightfully.
Never to see the light of day! My hands I learn
to fight and control! Torment remembers the ink
that once bled from my pen! Never to be hidden
what once was unafraid, my feelings I now hold
within as it cuts me like a blade that is made up
of dark sin. I am left to bleed within! Closing my
eyes I now deny the words that can always be
easily found. My ink I now let dry like the dew on
a spring days morning. Tears falling from my eyes,
I disguise!