Growing pains

 Let’s admit that motherhood is hard, throw in three girls and it is chaos. Girls love all the things, the dresses, makeup, stealing moms brushes even. Never ever did I think it could get more chaotic than a gender reveal that was suppose to be small but now is going to be a full out cookout/two family get together. I think it will be great but I am worn out and ready to escape back to my happy place. We have been four times so far this year but I am ready to go and stay, luckily so is my hunni. What does that mean as a mother though? With two grand babies on the way! I feel like I will lose out on seeing them like I want to but I also feel like as parents we are allowed to finally remember that we are human and life cannot stop at children and their children. What do we know about life? Well it does not last forever, we are like seeds of a flower in a lot of ways. We are planted into our mothers and grow, once we are born we then grow more until we blossom. A flower however does not last, it weakens and starts to become frail as it ages. One day it just dies! 

As parents we need to remember that our children are those young and vibrant flowers that have a full life in front of them and we are now growing weaker in a way. Before we become frail we need to learn how to remember who we were before we became parents. 

We can do all the things, be there when our children need us. We cannot always be there when they just want us there. We gave our children life and we can only hope that they treat it as it is, fragile! It is time for them to find their path, their dreams and to accomplish great things on their own feet. Easier said than done of course but we can hope and dream. 

Should we however forget our dreams and hopes in all of the wonderful and hard times that we have shared with our children? I don’t think that we should and at the end of the day I believe that our children want to see us go forward with our lives. They may be scared to admit it because as parents we have always been there to help and fix the trials of youth that they are now following into as adults. Practice makes perfect we have always heard, that also falls in the lines of growing up. 

With all of this said, what as parents do we do? Do we try and hold on to a life that was rearing our children or do we act as if we are twenty again and hit the pavement moving into a world that we do not even know? We are no longer the people that we were before raising children! We are no longer parents of young children that need to be watched over, at least not to their knowledge! Now we are a set of lost adults with no idea what comes next. In a way we are a lot like our children, as they learn how to be thriving adults and parents, we need to learn how to cope with our empty nest. 

Like, really

 Let’s just take a minute to express how bad the school system is right now. If you live in a small town you might as well just prepare for it to even be worse. Our school system says one thing and then does another. Honestly my youngest daughter has always been on the struggle bus with math, the more classes she has in math the more she gives up. Last year we done what we needed to do so she would be done with math, then we were told she would have to take one at least. Okay, fine… now she is also in one that I see no way can be achieved and that breaks my heart. Let’s set our kids up for failure and then get mad because they dislike school and refuse to move further with their education. Sadly our school cannot even get all of the kids in drivers ed within a four years time. I am unhappy that after this year i will have an empty nest but boy oh boy I will be sooo happy to be done with the school system. Sadly I know in a few years my daughters will be going through the same nonsense, then they will see why good old mom ranted at the school so much. 

I think this will just be my rant blog on everything that gets under my skin… nope this will just be a life blog! 

What has been the hardest thing that you have dealt with in the system? Has it been easy peasy? Or are you just as ready as I am to have it over? 

Through me a comment and have a wonderful evening……..

Point of View

 So I have been wondering what would interest my readers other than poetry. You see, poetry is so much more than depression and being lost. I have never really wrote uplifting poetry in that way though. I wrote poetry to escape the demons that were always following me. I also had some demons that I allowed in my life that I had to let go of. I would write in order to deal with them and myself! I have always heard that poets are depressed by nature, but they could still write in either direction. I am not sure how much I believe that. 

A doctor named Dr. Ludwig compared the suicide rate between different professions to each other and he found that 20% of eminent poets had committed suicide whereas only a 4% of other professions had committed suicide. You can read more about this in an article called “Going early into the good night” by Felishia R. Lee, written in April 24,2004. 

I find this strangely true without all of the comparisons! We have always heard about the older days when poets would commit suicide but it never dawned on me why. Now in todays world we can see it more because of the internet. We see artist in all different walks of life that deal with a depression, oddly enough we do not see that as bystanders. There is something that lingers in an artists mind that gives them the ability to do what they do, more so artist that write in some form. Is it negativity or depression? Is it both which give them the mindset to write poetry or music that we listen to or read that leave us with shivers? 

This is something that most people do not think about or even see, but I do. I cannot count how many times that suicide was on my mind or that I took a handful of pills with liquor in hopes that I would not wake up. I always did, I am thankful for that now because I am more clear minded and see what that would have done to my children. So I guess it was just me allowing demons to control my life in the flesh and memory. 

So now you see my dilemma; as much as I have always liked to write, I am lost as to what of. One thing that I do know, whatever I write will reflect the feelings that I have at that time. I have never been one to cover up my words, even though I have always been a blank when my depression is at the highest. Maybe that is the manic in me, that is a whole different story though. 

Empty nester

Lets not live in a life of unsures, we have so much to live for. We make all of these plans knowing that we do not even know where we will be tomorrow. We may not even be here on earth,who knows.I have always used this blog for my poetry,don't get me wrong I still write but not as often.I found a life that sometimes leads me down a path of writing,but in private.I found a life that is so full of the everyday hustle that the time that I had to write was put aside to love and enjoy everyone around me. Is life perfect?yea right! Is it better than it has ever been? oh yea! 

I am coming to a crossroad though that seems to have come at a pace that I was not prepared for. The road of becoming an empty nester. One more year and my last baby will be out of school. A few months and she will be 18! How is that possible? I joke around and say that her room will be my craft room, in reality it will just feel empty. When we become parents we are not prepared for them to leave, I have had two daughters leave already and become women. Nothing though prepares you for the last child to move on and become a fixture in their own home. Nothing prepares you! Now I need to learn how to live for me, live for my hunni, live in a world of not raising children. 

With this though I will be on a new journey that I may carelessly stumble on for awhile. I can say that I am going to be a first time grandma in December and then a second time grandma in February. Both of my eldest daughters have decided that they are ready to start their own journeys of parenthood at the same time. Maybe this will be enough to keep me occupied within a mind that is doubtful and unprepared for tomorrow. 

If you have read this far leave a comment on how you dealt with preparing for your empty nest. What kept you going? How did you look at your child without wanting to cry? We went school clothes shopping today and all that i could think about was the fact that this was the last year that i would take my child to get clothes for school. That was depressing and may have ruined her trip to the mall. I hope one day I can sit back and enjoy the fact that my girls are grown and was raised with hearts that finds love for everyone.

So I guess this means that this blog will have a facelift, writing down my feelings of growing and finding myself once again. Finding the woman that disappeared as a girl, to raise three girls that are now women.

Final Goodbyes

I have to wonder
what is on your mind,
you never believed I would walk away did you?
What are you doing now?
Are you solemnly laying
around regretting the things that I begged for?
You never were much for the strength
that it takes to be a man with integrity.
You had a lack of self esteem,
what more would make you stomp
the person that you just hit to the ground.

I have to wonder
what is your deepest regret?
Was it the day that you had a chance
to keep the only woman who for so long took your crap?
The day that the bargaining was laid to rest
as I walked out the door that could no longer keep me in.
I cannot help but wonder
what you are thinking right now

I have to wonder
did you ever believe that you would see a smile upon my face
that was not painted on with dollar store bought make-up.
I cannot help but feel cocky now,
a degree that you never thought that I could earn.
How silly your degrading comments seem now
that you are there living the same ol same ol
while I am enjoying the progress that you swore
I would never be smart enough to acheive.

I have to wonder
when did you realize that your late night text
would not lead you back into my home of security.
Your calls were ignored while I fished the banks
of freedom and love for the life that I lost so long ago.
I cannot help but feel smug,
I made it out while you cried your thousandth apology
and finally
for the first time ever
I heard the voice of deceit
I saw the face of lies
I made it out
while you were for the first time ever
left battered
left alone on a Saturday night
left mentally abused
by nothing more than my final goodbye!

Merry Christmas

I have been absent recently but I want everyone to know that all is great and I am working on a new project that may be unusaul for me.. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and see you after the new year comes in....

Perfect Reality

I'm to old to play games
I am in it for the long haul
I found what satisfies my heart
even if it isn't felt within the soul.

I am leveled
even if not to the ground.
I am stronger
even if weak at any given moment.

I have struggled
I have been found
atop a hilltop
where nothing is as it seems.

Nothing is perfect
within the hell we reek upon ourselves.
The man in the sky can only try so much,
giving hints that all is not everything.

A pearl in my hand
a token of love in my ear
a heart that asks for more
that can never be

Taking timeout to imagine
to risk what is not so easily gained.
Fretting about what is,
and can never be!

The reality of where we stand,
is just a fraction of where we belong!
The man upstairs tell all truths,
the soul though he cannot control!