Suppressed infinity

Awkwardly silent inside
of my own thoughts
I scream
I search
I feel

awkwardly silent within myself
I suppress

I forfeit my air teasingly
just for a moment
just for a second
do I still exist?
do I still breathe the air given to me?

I let the air out from between my lips

I lay still keeping my soul bonded
forcefully not allowing it to leave from within
halting it to stay steadfast
it lays in waiting
to take flight
it escapes at night
while I sleep it finds me
without control
it leaves

On my knees I hold in life
the pit of my stomach tightens
I feel it ball into knots
it searches for release
it finds nothing

In the quickening of the night
my mind plays silently
searching for infinity
I find nothing

Hearts of faith

Wrap me softly in
the words of your
hearts whisper.Tell
me things through
your soul that only
I can hear.

Shoulder me against
your body,touch my
mind through the
thoughts that we
can hear without
the voice of our
words.

Plummet all of my
fears into the
earths ground,like
snow to melt never
to be found again.

My breath intakes
as I feel your pulse
race in anticipation
for our tomorrows,our
yesterdays erased
and forgotten and
to always be left
now in the dark.

I hear you speak a
million things in
your silence,in the
pit of my stomach
I feel your wants
and observations
of the dreams that
are never to be left
behind.I hear you
mind and dance your
song of trusting
hope.

I grasp my heart now
and run into arms of
the forgiving,my heart
now to race as I
find my own way back
into my yesterdays of
faith.

Arms of a angel

Still doing time in the arms
Of an angel, remembering
The feeling of being wrapped
Tightly in the embrace of
The only one who has had
The whole me. Freely we
Danced, tears felt upon
Our cheeks.

Trapped in the past
Fighting for the future,
Lost in time listening
To the words of that
Song that brought us
Closer together but
Still lost to us in a
Forever downfall.

She is lost in time
And remembers
The song that he
Is to always carry on
his own mind as
She is left to wonder
Does he realize those
Same words describes
Her own feelings for
Him still today. She will
Always be lost in the
Tunes of his yesterday's.

I am still doing time in
The arms of an angel,
Hearing his sweet voice
Sing the song so clearly
Into my ear, feeling his
Forever lingering tears.

I will never stop loving
The one the stars pointed
Me to, when the wreath
Is upon my door then
Maybe just maybe I will
Forget the one who
Stole my heart for his
Own.

I am left to guard all
That I am for it only
Has ever belonged to
One man.He covers
His face with a mask,
No matter how hard
We all may try the past
Will never die.

Mythical men

Two men,different sides
of the world,one fights
with his words the other
with his sword.

A grievance has taken
them both to the other
side,one in his mind
the other in the dark.

Lay down laws of what
is to be believed,one
God or many! In both
minds the other is
right but yet so wrong
they both are.

Find peace in the hero
they are perceived to
be,find sanctum where
many just wish to find
themselves in relief.

Swords in battle to
make a name,find glory
with the insane but
yet remembered for all
that he done,laying down
bodies in severe pain
and doom.

Another uses his words
to get through to the
ears of all,believes in
his God when many believe
there are many.

Lay down his life,give his
freedom for the beliefs
that we easily can live
in.Another not finding
peace until the very end.

Both are hero's in their
own right but yet I treasure
the one from the other
side who stood up and
found glory in his words
never to drawl blood from
those who refused to be
heard.

The stories of the myths
run along my mind,I look
into my own mirror and
look for my own words of
peace.I find the swords
may be easier than the
words that sometimes
are lost to me.

Tears of yesterday

I have missed you
so and the times
we have shared
feeling the other
through the computer
we stare.

I wonder what still
draws me to those
long ago places but
the answer we have
already answered with
the stories told
and the tears that
fell,in the end we
all know the answers
need to no longer dwell.

Only once in a lifetime
can such be shared,this
includes even if our lives
are to follow others paths,
for the day will come
when all will be forgotten
within the heavens gates
that we will one day be
reacquainted

I see the world for what
it is and feel what most
will always miss.I am
intoned to who wishes
to deny,within my arms
all may cry.

Bottle blessings

I find myself falling
into the bottle again
just trying so hard to
chase away my memories
of pain,just praying
for everything to go
away and stay away.

I look at blank walls
and think of times gone
by and I have no other
option but to sit and
cry,another swallow to
pass my lips.Maybe this
time I will go numb
and sleep in bliss.

I cry for nothing but
yet everything,I search
my mind and ask why has
this been the life of
me,I so wish for life
to for once not deceive.
What more can I do?what
more can I say?What does
it take to make one want
to stay?I search my memories
and I am lost again.

Another drink to my
lips.maybe just for
another minute I will
be blessed enough to
forget!

In the silence of memories

It is in the silence
that I hear my memories
screaming their havoc
their loudest.Telling
me to find my way
back to myself,trying
to turn on the light
that I am bound to
turn right back out.

I have memories of a
once sweet love,reading
upon the screen words
that no other could
ever understand even
up close they still
cannot hear me scream.
I am fed up and I am
done,dreaming the dreams
that only are remembered
of one.

I watch the games that
others play,needless
they do not realize how
lucky they are.One day
they will lose themselves
in their own pot of
shame.Love is to be
spoken in sweet melodies
where no one can hear
the words that belong
to you and only he.

Can you read him?Can
you feel his heart
like it is in the
palm of your hand?Do
you dream of him in
a way that only a
true love can?Are
you full of greed
as you only think
of yourself or do
you really see what
real love is all
about.

I am discourage that
love will ever walk
through my door again
like the one my mind
still always searches
for. I miss the feeling
of completeness as I
have felt before,my
mind falls back into
these thoughtless
opening's of doors.

The sun has risen and
I am made to live another
day of hell without him
but in my mind it is
his love and strength
that I once felt that
strangely keeps me here
living in our once
perfect song of harmony.

I am claustrophobic
in this body I am to
live in!Tired of this
nothing! Blatantly
only I am the one to
always suffer,when
only my heart was
the one playing no
selfish games.Here
I go again trying
to turn off my mind,
why is he always there
to find?

Jaded complications

Life could be more
than the one sided
jaded insufferable
people who think
they need nothing
more put complications
where known shall
follow.

Peace comes hauntingly
my way with the
spoken word of
just maybe,drives
me crazy as I dizzily
try to put together
the pieces that make
no sense to me,Words
no longer take that
same route as once
before, dissecting
everything and for
what,where does it end
and what does it mean
to sit everlasting in one
spot for all to see the
demons that so easily
can take over me.

I ignore what my eyes
see,words of nothing
but deceit could ever
be spoken freely to me
even though I wish to
believe in what I know
could never be.In me
I see a foe that wishes
to wander away but is
always steadfast where
my legs are to tremble
knowingly.

Stubborn fates are
nothing now more
than stupidity playing
stupid games of catch
me if you can,take apart
just one more hand.
That is the way of man!

Come to me soft words
of feelings as you watch
me believe in everything
told,You think I am weak
but yet I am merely me
with heart and soul but
now just a touch of bold.
I walk where I wish and
take the roads swiftly to
hell,you lead me so you
believe; but in front will
be me!

Check those notes and
check those bills,do what
needs to be done to find
your own thrills.Just do
me this one favor,when
the sun sets the sky aflame
there will be only one left
in the blaming game of
tearful words that lead to
nothing but pain,this will
not be me you will see
I am stronger now than
any could ever believe.

My life belongs to only
me!!

Pressure points

I feel the poison running

through my veins that

long to be split open

burning my skin of

nothing until the smell

of burning flesh takes

my breath away.

My gut is tight like a 

noose that wishes for

the neck of darkness

to grasp and never let

go,strangling out any 

life that lingers in one 

place for to long. 

Nightmares are forever

playing havoc with my 

mind that wants to so

badly see nothing more

but the other side,no

more turmoil to drown

out the silence of the

nights dreaming in 

worthless memories.

Body crawls and itches 

from nerves that are

fried out into a lightly

sounding sizzle of done.

In the mirror my reflection

equals none!Nails leave

marks upon my hands,

the pain I can no longer

feel!

Walls cover the openings

of the doors that I no

longer wish to pass 

through.Life has given 

me in stone a life I cannot 

stand to live in,too late

to change what has been

written.

In my mind I scream 

until my body loses 

all control and my

head feels like it

wants to explode 

from the pressure

of the forever reasons

left untold.

Some has heart,some

does not!Some leaves

all to forever in their

minds burn and rot.

I see a token that only

I can spend,finding a

reason to go on has

never been worth the

giving!

Five year old death

Tip toes on a toilet
seat,fingers grasping
the windowpane until
they turn blistering
red with pain. Chin
resting between two
hands,if she screamed
would she be heard?Or
would they walk away
again?Why are they so
afraid to help a child
living in fear and pain?

Be real quiet...
silently as can,step down...
tip toes to the door...
little ear pressed against it now..
heartbeat noisy,can't hear anything...
hold breath in tight...
listen again...
no sounds now on the other side...

Hop back on that toilet
seat,to small to really
see out.Give a shout,no
one hears as always or
they turn their backs
from the heart-wrenching
noise of a child being
abused as a play toy.
Look at the door again,
seems so quiet now maybe
she can tiptoe back to bed.

Be real quiet...
silently as can,step down...
tip toes to the door...
little ear pressed against it now..
heartbeat noisy,can't hear anything...
hold breath in tight...
listen again...
no sounds now on the other side...

Hands holding door knob
tight,real quiet now and
try to turn the knob inch
by inch,squeak!Close real
fast and lock it up!no time
to even peak!Back to the
toilet seat!Seems like hours
have went by but only mere
minutes,the clock shows her
with every silent tick.

Be real quiet...
silently as can,step down...
tip toes to the door...
little ear pressed against it now..
heartbeat noisy,can't hear anything...
hold breath in tight...
listen again...
no sounds now on the other side...

Grab that handle really
hard now,fly the door
open and run fast to find
another place to hide.To late
there was no escape,beside
the door he hid and waited.
Thrown down on the floor,left
tattered and bruised.Skin raw
between thighs,tears silently
fall from her eyes.

Once again outsmarted
and left in pain.A five
year old died that day
on the floor of misery!
Her heart to live in
fear her childhood gone
in such short years.

She shockingly stands
and walks away,a five
year old died that day!
A woman it seemed was
to take her place to fill
the void of a mans disgrace.

Nightmares to live in
her forever,why could she
not of been just a little
taller? Maybe she could
of seen outside of that
windowpane,made someone
see the tears that hid
on her face!Maybe through
her tears they would of
been strong enough to not
walk away.

A five year old died that
day,a woman left to stand
in her bloodied footprints
of pain...

Bidden goodbyes

The burden of losing the
only thing that feels
right has consumed and
changed every thoughtless
thought within my mind.

There are facts that
cannot be argued or
understood! Life for
what you see can only
drive more questions
out to sea that will
never be caught by
the nets of time.

Life stands still
for just a moment
in my mind dreaming
and remembering past
words and many tears
cried throughout
the endless nights
shared among the two
that felt so right.

Time passes and new
love comes into the
picture but none fits
the reflection that
once was given.No one
will ever read my mind
or complete my heart
the way that my true
love could but that
is neither here or
there,life must go
on and in my lungs I
breathe new air.

I am on a mission to
search for my lost
time among the demons
of hell that I have
always easily found,
it is time to bury
them deep into the
ground my life is at
a standstill and now
even words can no
longer heal the pain
in which I have always
at other hands sustained.

So I bid this last
goodbye of my life's
past miseries and for
the first time in a
long time write my
words that will drive
me insane and driven
to my knees.

I will come back
stronger and the
word no will not
be heard by my ears
for I will be complete
soulfully and out of
my lingering fears.

Fairy tale lies

Looking for the fairy
tale where the love
scene ends with happily
ever after and a kiss
to Mr rights perfect
lips of perfection.

We all know this is
just a child's dream
but like children we
chase down that "what
if" and "could be"
beautiful treasury
made up of our own
falsities!

Searching for the
prince that wakes
me up from the dead
I feel inside.Full
of denial and tears
I walk away and find
my own way in life,no
longer will I look
for the beast that
could one day let me
find my perfect fate.

A drop of heaven just
for a moment lingers
in a stored away place
in the heart that once
again was so easy to
bend and break!I won't
let my life shudder in
the depression that was
so easily to be found
at my door step long
ago!I am stronger that
that left behind girl!

A fairy tale to be found
by another,a prince that
I no longer wish to discover.
I leave all hope of truth
and faithfulness in my
dust,I am not broken!
I am just smart enough
to say goodbye and good
luck!

Prideful love

A look into your
eyes sends my heart
pounding,it deafens
my ears and everything
becomes blurry in
my mind but the feel
of your arms that
always sends my
body temperatures
to an all time high.

The sound of your
heartbeat against
my already weakened
body plays the melody
of the softest song
that can only be heard
among soul mates against
all odds.Dark angels
try to destroy what
they cannot understand,
the mind plays a weak
game of what is real
and what is insane.

But with just a stare
from your star ridden
eyes and the sweet smell
of your scent so easily
distinguished from anyone
else's turns all my doubts
into a fine dust left
behind the tracks of life
that not many can ever
really define in their
search for a lovers mind.

I do not need you to give
me all the erotic pleasures
that most believe is what
a love is made up of,just
the feeling of your arms
wrapping me tightly into
your body of steel brings
me pleasures from my woman's
longing heart.I do not
need roses to fade away,
a wildflower picked by
your hand shows our
love will never go astray.

I won't pull you by
your tail and give you
fanciful details of what
we may share alone in
the dark.I am a woman
and one who only feels
with her heart,mind and
soul so if you are looking
for a good time through
the words that are left
to stray only where they
belong I am the wrong
woman for you because I
have pride where some may
have none!

Chances of the heart

In bewilderment my life
seems to follow as days
from the past always have.
Holding just a shred of
the invisible attack that
is sure to come I take
a step and try to hold
steady of my heart that
seems to always come
undone.

Backward glances tell me
not all is lost like the
pain of the skinned knees
I have suffered endlessly
but they heal as the time
goes by and the feeling of
the could be's takes a hold
of me in the making of
another lie.

I feel like the grim reaper
is just a footstep away,the
heavens angels has flown
away with the strength
that I need to succumb
all of my insecurities.I
lay down my weapons of
steel and take what I
get with the thought that
maybe this time my life
will not be one to easily
forget.

With a handful of wild
flowers I walk a field
of dreams,no longer do
I remember a heart built
from deceit.I hold in my
hand the last chance that
I have to give,my heart
has always been one to
easily forgive!

Worth our dreams

It is sadly becoming
clear that we as humans
allow others to dictate
our self worth,We believe
what they say and give
up on ourselves and life
time dreams.

We cry into the pillow
of worthlessness as we
watch our live's fall
through the cracks of
another's eyes.We believe
their tales of work harder
try more then one day
you may walk through
my door of perfection.

We cry our tears of
disgrace as another
walks the tracks that
once we believed was
our place.We throw
down our dreams and
believe we are no
good,if given the
chance we could be
what we envisioned
in our dreams.

It is time for us
to realize our self
worth or we are to
linger in a world
that seems to of
never been meant for
us.We cry useless
tears instead of
waking up in the
morning and say move
over world for I am
here!

There is only one
that can hold you
back,the worries
of your mind that
you yourself allow
to be attacked.Make
it happen,make your
life be for you,the
only person in your
way is you!

Blatant hesitations

I take a breath
and intake the air
that is filled with
the purity of a
new life that is
just waiting to be
found by the hidden
me.

My eyes search for
the unknown treasures
that lay just beneath
the surface of serenity
and peace.I long for
the freedom to put to
rest all of my blatant
questions and hesitations.

I feel my skin thicken
as my heart tightens
under the stress of what
we call life and living.
I take a minute and try
to reflect on my dreams
of tomorrow but I am too
busy living in my yesterdays.

I tell myself we all
are living on borrowed
time and have to fight
for what we want, while
we have the strength
to overcome the battles
that life sets in our
way,I bow down to my
weaknesses and its
there that I find my
way.

Sweet embraces

I could only dream
of such sweet embraces
as the tears still
silently fall invisibly
down my reddened cheeks.

My life just a moment
seemed so right and
now we once again lean
towards things that will
never change,our past we
can never erase!But with
each other we can find
so many more brighter days.

He leans in toward me
as I silently pray for his
eyes to speak a million
okays,telling me in there
beauty that life will
finally start with today.
The past can be erased!

His lips softly touches
mine as we feel our life's
reflections shatter in
each others loving faces,
the mirror we had hid
behind nothing more now
than shattered glass that
we wish never again to find.

Our true love we can finally
see,our souls lingering
together so high the heavens
we can almost reach.Bodies
intertwined for the rest of
our lives!My future can be
seen in the pools of his
eyes!Our lives no longer
lived behind disguises,
our hearts sweet melody
can be heard miles away
in our dance of love making.

faithful-less

You lied and I believed,
bent down on my knees I
cried my life away with
the broken heart you so
easily deceived.

You couldn't keep your
stories straight,your
heart had no faith in
the person you were
meant to be with until
the end of your days.

Never will you feel the
harmony of the one who
knew you best,many will
forever ponder this in
wonderment.

I no longer play the turns
of a fools game,I laid my
pain out to dry and found
life made of loving arms
that feel without lies and
blame.

I walk now in my own shadow
never to look at the walls
to see who walks in front
or behind me,I have set
myself free!

Unknowingly I still find
myself in you when all
seems lost to me,but my
heart has finally opened
up to set you free to some
Degree.

I patiently wait for the
day that your face is just
a searching memory,I am
waiting for the night that
behind closed lids you are
no longer lying in wait for
me.

I am tremendously waiting
for the time that I stop
searching for the picture
that I no longer want to
find.

Lost in your memory

Forgotten memories trap my
inability to move on,as I
walk this treacherous road
of my own self blaming.

I have hidden myself for all
to see left in the dark with
no one to hear me.I am silenced
as my heart cries out for so
many lost tears of yesterday.

No one can bring you back now,
this heart that has learned to
be made of black steel is cold
as a winters storm,I mourn!

I torture my own heart remembering
you in the dreams I so frequently
relive.No sleep once again for me!
My tears now pour freely as you're
love I thought was what I really
needed,I was blind by you're deceit.

I have moved on in this life of
cat and mouse but sometimes my
mind wanders backwards not seeing
the front lines that I wish I
could cross.I wish I could leave
you behind never to find you
again in my words of pain.

Sometimes your memory haunts me!
I wake up to see what is real that
lays right in front of me,I am free
when I am not living in your memory.

Words In-slaved

I am restless and worn,
tired but torn between
sleep and wake.My body
is a slave to my mind
as I am always looking
for those one certain
words that I am never
to find.

My fingers bleeding ink
of what I feel deep within
myself but even they go
numb with the tiresomeness
that is felt among the
words that I blurt to myself.

I look back sometimes to
the life that I have led,
all the times that my heart
has bled for reasons unknown
to even me and the ones that
were evident for all too see.

I dream backwards and not often
enough forwards,complete havoc
I now breathe in my words as
to myself I try to understand
and see the life that was always
meant to make me "me".

A tortured soul a heart not
so whole, I walk this life
given to me now with more
control.For once even maybe
just a little to bold!I wish
sometimes to just give up,throw
my sorrows out the window as
I take off my fighting gloves.

I cannot move forward as I am
always to think backwards!I
once again fill my fingers with
the ink that on paper will bleed
as my mind is left again to think
of forgotten things.

The sun is now coming up and I
am still awake,my body to my mind
nothing more but a slave looking
for just the right words to find
to take the torments away.The feelings
in my heart still to stray away,
maybe I will find them on a rainy
day far away from this place that
holds my words like a slave.I am
left now to pace!