Suppressed infinity

Awkwardly silent inside
of my own thoughts
I scream
I search
I feel

awkwardly silent within myself
I suppress

I forfeit my air teasingly
just for a moment
just for a second
do I still exist?
do I still breathe the air given to me?

I let the air out from between my lips

I lay still keeping my soul bonded
forcefully not allowing it to leave from within
halting it to stay steadfast
it lays in waiting
to take flight
it escapes at night
while I sleep it finds me
without control
it leaves

On my knees I hold in life
the pit of my stomach tightens
I feel it ball into knots
it searches for release
it finds nothing

In the quickening of the night
my mind plays silently
searching for infinity
I find nothing

Hearts of faith

Wrap me softly in
the words of your
hearts whisper.Tell
me things through
your soul that only
I can hear.

Shoulder me against
your body,touch my
mind through the
thoughts that we
can hear without
the voice of our
words.

Plummet all of my
fears into the
earths ground,like
snow to melt never
to be found again.

My breath intakes
as I feel your pulse
race in anticipation
for our tomorrows,our
yesterdays erased
and forgotten and
to always be left
now in the dark.

I hear you speak a
million things in
your silence,in the
pit of my stomach
I feel your wants
and observations
of the dreams that
are never to be left
behind.I hear you
mind and dance your
song of trusting
hope.

I grasp my heart now
and run into arms of
the forgiving,my heart
now to race as I
find my own way back
into my yesterdays of
faith.

Arms of a angel

Still doing time in the arms
Of an angel, remembering
The feeling of being wrapped
Tightly in the embrace of
The only one who has had
The whole me. Freely we
Danced, tears felt upon
Our cheeks.

Trapped in the past
Fighting for the future,
Lost in time listening
To the words of that
Song that brought us
Closer together but
Still lost to us in a
Forever downfall.

She is lost in time
And remembers
The song that he
Is to always carry on
his own mind as
She is left to wonder
Does he realize those
Same words describes
Her own feelings for
Him still today. She will
Always be lost in the
Tunes of his yesterday's.

I am still doing time in
The arms of an angel,
Hearing his sweet voice
Sing the song so clearly
Into my ear, feeling his
Forever lingering tears.

I will never stop loving
The one the stars pointed
Me to, when the wreath
Is upon my door then
Maybe just maybe I will
Forget the one who
Stole my heart for his
Own.

I am left to guard all
That I am for it only
Has ever belonged to
One man.He covers
His face with a mask,
No matter how hard
We all may try the past
Will never die.

Mythical men

Two men,different sides
of the world,one fights
with his words the other
with his sword.

A grievance has taken
them both to the other
side,one in his mind
the other in the dark.

Lay down laws of what
is to be believed,one
God or many! In both
minds the other is
right but yet so wrong
they both are.

Find peace in the hero
they are perceived to
be,find sanctum where
many just wish to find
themselves in relief.

Swords in battle to
make a name,find glory
with the insane but
yet remembered for all
that he done,laying down
bodies in severe pain
and doom.

Another uses his words
to get through to the
ears of all,believes in
his God when many believe
there are many.

Lay down his life,give his
freedom for the beliefs
that we easily can live
in.Another not finding
peace until the very end.

Both are hero's in their
own right but yet I treasure
the one from the other
side who stood up and
found glory in his words
never to drawl blood from
those who refused to be
heard.

The stories of the myths
run along my mind,I look
into my own mirror and
look for my own words of
peace.I find the swords
may be easier than the
words that sometimes
are lost to me.

Made up falsities

I am giving up,Laying my
life upon the ground.No
use peering at un-won
battles that were never
worth the fight of my
mind leaving me to always
be unsound as I remember
and look around through
the back door they are
always to be found.

You think you see and
know the story well
but the slumbering
truth from alls mind
shall always dwell
unseen among the earths
floor of misery that you
see as unpure along
the lines of the canvas
that within bleeds the
truth that will never
be seen by such a cold
entity worth nothing.

You walk the dream that
you deserve to see and
feel what hides beneath,
it takes heart,it takes
soul,understanding those
that you think you are
in control.You breathe
the breath of worthier
than another among the
streets that you walk,
you will be one of the
forgotten for in your
mind there is no other.

I will forfeit this life
that I have lived with
open arms and memories
of what once was so easily
given.I am one with the
past and inclined to throw
away the future ridding
all that may walk my way,
I am just a stray that
leaves her mark upon the
back of falsities.

Silent shards of glass

Silent bowed head dreams
of life outside of body,
perplexed feelings of
lost faith trickles down
a spine now weak.

Shards of glass lie
in palm waiting to
cut the flesh of
younger days gone
by.

Pieces of memories
take hold and once
again are lost from
mind,days gone by now
are harder to define
and control.

Shimmers of brilliance
catches a hold of
thoughts,gone again
forever to be lost
among the living and
distraught.

Torn from the bone
is any kind of reckless
wants to be ever found
again,giving up on
life and anything
that can hear the
drops of salty water
fall from cheeks.

Blades cut deep wounds
in softened places
that may never heal
again,the smell of
death always to be
noticed in the nights
air.

Silent bowed head
wishes to take their
soul far away,dreams
come true for some one
day.

Bottle blessings

I find myself falling
into the bottle again
just trying so hard to
chase away my memories
of pain,just praying
for everything to go
away and stay away.

I look at blank walls
and think of times gone
by and I have no other
option but to sit and
cry,another swallow to
pass my lips.Maybe this
time I will go numb
and sleep in bliss.

I cry for nothing but
yet everything,I search
my mind and ask why has
this been the life of
me,I so wish for life
to for once not deceive.
What more can I do?what
more can I say?What does
it take to make one want
to stay?I search my memories
and I am lost again.

Another drink to my
lips.maybe just for
another minute I will
be blessed enough to
forget!

The hidden me

It is the starlit glow
of the night that gives
me peace and time to
reflect on the past
that today will be
once again in lost
memories.I search
for the sun once again,
this time in hopes of
real peace and open
mindedness.

Searching for the
perfect touch to
my being, searching
for the strength
of lost arms I am
consumed with dis-
pleasurable feelings
that come from anyone
else and I have once
again thrown the useless
flesh upon the ground.

I walk over him and
his degrees of what
he believes in his
very own mind.I never
lied when I told him
he would not ever have
all of me so why now
act like he has been
hurt when we all know
it was really just a
ticking time bomb
ready to explode.

I cannot turn off
the timer of lost
things,I said it
from the very beginning
and should not have
to hide from the past
that my heart found
it's best friend.That
will never be found
again,I have said
it more than once
from my mouth and
pen.

In order to find
what lays beneath
you first have to
find the real me!
one you never took
the time to see!
Once again I will
say,there is only
one who took me to
heaven and back and
only he could I ever
really trust him.

Sorry I could not
take you to the
places you wished
to be,you could
of had it all if
you had took the
time to know the
real hidden me!

In the silence of memories

It is in the silence
that I hear my memories
screaming their havoc
their loudest.Telling
me to find my way
back to myself,trying
to turn on the light
that I am bound to
turn right back out.

I have memories of a
once sweet love,reading
upon the screen words
that no other could
ever understand even
up close they still
cannot hear me scream.
I am fed up and I am
done,dreaming the dreams
that only are remembered
of one.

I watch the games that
others play,needless
they do not realize how
lucky they are.One day
they will lose themselves
in their own pot of
shame.Love is to be
spoken in sweet melodies
where no one can hear
the words that belong
to you and only he.

Can you read him?Can
you feel his heart
like it is in the
palm of your hand?Do
you dream of him in
a way that only a
true love can?Are
you full of greed
as you only think
of yourself or do
you really see what
real love is all
about.

I am discourage that
love will ever walk
through my door again
like the one my mind
still always searches
for. I miss the feeling
of completeness as I
have felt before,my
mind falls back into
these thoughtless
opening's of doors.

The sun has risen and
I am made to live another
day of hell without him
but in my mind it is
his love and strength
that I once felt that
strangely keeps me here
living in our once
perfect song of harmony.

I am claustrophobic
in this body I am to
live in!Tired of this
nothing! Blatantly
only I am the one to
always suffer,when
only my heart was
the one playing no
selfish games.Here
I go again trying
to turn off my mind,
why is he always there
to find?

Set my memories aflame

I searchingly stare off
into space wondering
when I will finally feel
that touch that tells me
I am at home where I
have always longed to
be.

I cry and kick and
sometimes even scream
into the night that
is always the worst
for me and decidedly
I go my own way
away from all that I
have ever believed
and dreamed of,I
search and I stare
but yet there once
again is nothing off
in my horizon that
gives me the fulfillment
that I need.

I sometimes crack
under my own pressure
that only I have given
myself.I look out
from under cover and
dare myself to take
yet just one more step.

I sleep only when my
body can take no more
of the punishment I am
always giving it,stride
on and make today
better than tomorrow.
Somehow I see I am
living on borrowed
time but yet I once
again drop,maybe this
time my wings will
work,maybe this time
I can find my way to
now fly.

One wound keeps
me bound where
I am always left to
stay,one person took
everything that gave
me strength completely
away and I am left
to wonder does he
really realize what
his late night talks
really meant to me
while he was just
trying to find just
some other girl to
hopelessly feel.

I am down on
my knees begging
the heavens to just
take all of these long
ago memories away
from my sleep so I
can rest,take them
and burn them as
I wish I could,but
the sad fact is I am
and always will be
in love with him and
only him.Leading me
once again astray!

Here I sit awake
again thinking of
everything but yet
nothing! Set my
memories aflame,
I just wish to
learn how once
again to sleep
with the sane!

Forever blue

I sit and deny the words
brought to my attention
about my life and love
before now,I argue in my
own defense that I have
grown and moved on away
from the past that stroked
its wounds into my heart
like a knife finding its
way and leaving its mark.

I am ready to find my
way out of the dark,I
am ready to be a part
of the life in which you
wish to give me but
yet you do not believe
the words that from
my mouth are to leave.

I ask myself what could
it be that he sees,why can
he not believe what I am
to tell him.I think of the
drawer in which your
picture lays softly among
the shirt that matches
your eyes the shade of
the sky, I still deny.

I hold him tight and
feel the security that
his being brings me
inside and out but yet
there it is the thought
that he is holding back,
but why? His arms
wrapped tightly around
me but still the tears
fall smoothly down
my cheeks,I need room
to breathe.

I am lost and will never
be found for the person
I once was has been left
astray among memories
that I try to push aside,
but still I deny!

I lay in the bed and
remember everything
through the day that
we have said,the hearts
that we shared and I feel
me wanting to be completely
there but yet I drift away
into my own hiding place.
There I am left to cry
for my younger days.

But yet I deny that what
he says is true,sadly he
is right,I am always to
see you!Forever and
always my mind is to
be tortured among the
past, tonight I am to
sleep again in the shirt
that I should of long
ago thrown in the trash!

Jaded complications

Life could be more
than the one sided
jaded insufferable
people who think
they need nothing
more put complications
where known shall
follow.

Peace comes hauntingly
my way with the
spoken word of
just maybe,drives
me crazy as I dizzily
try to put together
the pieces that make
no sense to me,Words
no longer take that
same route as once
before, dissecting
everything and for
what,where does it end
and what does it mean
to sit everlasting in one
spot for all to see the
demons that so easily
can take over me.

I ignore what my eyes
see,words of nothing
but deceit could ever
be spoken freely to me
even though I wish to
believe in what I know
could never be.In me
I see a foe that wishes
to wander away but is
always steadfast where
my legs are to tremble
knowingly.

Stubborn fates are
nothing now more
than stupidity playing
stupid games of catch
me if you can,take apart
just one more hand.
That is the way of man!

Come to me soft words
of feelings as you watch
me believe in everything
told,You think I am weak
but yet I am merely me
with heart and soul but
now just a touch of bold.
I walk where I wish and
take the roads swiftly to
hell,you lead me so you
believe; but in front will
be me!

Check those notes and
check those bills,do what
needs to be done to find
your own thrills.Just do
me this one favor,when
the sun sets the sky aflame
there will be only one left
in the blaming game of
tearful words that lead to
nothing but pain,this will
not be me you will see
I am stronger now than
any could ever believe.

My life belongs to only
me!!

Pressure points

I feel the poison running

through my veins that

long to be split open

burning my skin of

nothing until the smell

of burning flesh takes

my breath away.

My gut is tight like a 

noose that wishes for

the neck of darkness

to grasp and never let

go,strangling out any 

life that lingers in one 

place for to long. 

Nightmares are forever

playing havoc with my 

mind that wants to so

badly see nothing more

but the other side,no

more turmoil to drown

out the silence of the

nights dreaming in 

worthless memories.

Body crawls and itches 

from nerves that are

fried out into a lightly

sounding sizzle of done.

In the mirror my reflection

equals none!Nails leave

marks upon my hands,

the pain I can no longer

feel!

Walls cover the openings

of the doors that I no

longer wish to pass 

through.Life has given 

me in stone a life I cannot 

stand to live in,too late

to change what has been

written.

In my mind I scream 

until my body loses 

all control and my

head feels like it

wants to explode 

from the pressure

of the forever reasons

left untold.

Some has heart,some

does not!Some leaves

all to forever in their

minds burn and rot.

I see a token that only

I can spend,finding a

reason to go on has

never been worth the

giving!

Bidden goodbyes

The burden of losing the
only thing that feels
right has consumed and
changed every thoughtless
thought within my mind.

There are facts that
cannot be argued or
understood! Life for
what you see can only
drive more questions
out to sea that will
never be caught by
the nets of time.

Life stands still
for just a moment
in my mind dreaming
and remembering past
words and many tears
cried throughout
the endless nights
shared among the two
that felt so right.

Time passes and new
love comes into the
picture but none fits
the reflection that
once was given.No one
will ever read my mind
or complete my heart
the way that my true
love could but that
is neither here or
there,life must go
on and in my lungs I
breathe new air.

I am on a mission to
search for my lost
time among the demons
of hell that I have
always easily found,
it is time to bury
them deep into the
ground my life is at
a standstill and now
even words can no
longer heal the pain
in which I have always
at other hands sustained.

So I bid this last
goodbye of my life's
past miseries and for
the first time in a
long time write my
words that will drive
me insane and driven
to my knees.

I will come back
stronger and the
word no will not
be heard by my ears
for I will be complete
soulfully and out of
my lingering fears.

Muddied veins

I find life to be
sadly irrelevant
to me any longer.

I search for what
can never be found,
I cry for things
that had just never
mattered from beginning
until ending.

I talk to myself
when I really want
to be heard,for I
am the only one who
hears the words that
fall from my lips.

I wake up in a
sweat that leaves
me chilled to the
bone.I am tired
of being alone in
a crowded room
of people who could
never understand
who I am or where
I have come from.

I have tried to
convince myself
that life is not
the hell that I
have been brought
into but I know
within these walls
of my mind that
this is all that
I will ever have
or even find.

I speak from a
successful life of
failures.I find my
A's but yet feel
the grade average
of an F.I look
toward my what
if's.

I wish to be left
alone but yet found
among the driven
and the profound.
A state of confusion
has taken my mind
as its own.Drying
my tears I am left
to now realize no
where feels like
home.

I put together the
pieces as best as
I can.I look for
the tokens that
we all long to
find as we walk
along the roads
of divine,we are
always searching
for our spine.

I look at my face
but it does not yet
belong to me,for I
am lost with the words
that you are now
reading.The only
thing that keeps
me alive is my
fingertips that are
always left to
bleed and hide.

I am a tortured
mind with a soul
left behind to
search her days
with the muddied
waters that now
runs threw her
split veins.

I shudder!

Knees shaking, hands
pouring sweat like it
is merely nothing more
than rain water from
the heavens. Heart
racing leaving behind
life and security I
run for what is the
life I have grown
so use to. I shudder!

Fear driven and in
complete awe of what
chases me from my
own memories of finer
days left behind. I
am entranced in what
follows me through
the dark,I can feel
a shadow as it chases
me into the forest.
I shudder!

I am in fear and my
legs have become my
weapon against what
could be the death
of me. I run faster
looking for protection,
looking for a shelter
to hide away in and
stay dry from the
storm that shouting
its greed upon the
earth now. Lightning
is giving away my
tracks as the thunder
now booms in my ears
as if laughing at my
fear. I shudder!

I can feel the shadow
no longer and stop to
rest as hunger has taken
over my body, berries
hide in the bushes as
I take mouth fulls in
my own greed for nourishment.
The juices have run
down my face as I wipe
it with the back of
my hand and look at
what could be the color
of blood. I shudder!

My senses are telling
me to run again and
faster than what I
had before. I am racing
against time to save
myself from what hides
in the darkened forest
of fearless creatures.
They stare me down and
wait to make their
move against my being,
they want me for their
own. I shudder!

I have ran until my
legs feel like they
are going to give in
under the pressure
of my fear. What
now is un-hidden
from my eyes? I try
to disguise myself
and hide in a hole
but now my fear has
only heightened
with anticipation
of the shadow that
follows me taking
all control. I shudder!

I run just for a
minute more before
finally I fall into
the muddied ground,
my hands are now soiled
with the storms
grievance against
the world. A puddle
of water sits before
my eyes like it has
not been touched by
the dirt it lays upon.
I shudder!

Thirstily I take my
hands and gulp water
into my now dry mouth.
I have given up the
chase and stay steadfast
where my body lays,the
fight has gone from me
and I am ready for any
grief or pain that may
lay ahead of me insanely.
I shudder!

I stare down at the water
that has now become my
savior and spot of peace.
A dead tree root is in
my eyes view and it seems
so peaceful even though
no life runs through it.
I am confused but yet
enlightened that this
root has taken my attention
away from the fears I
was just feeling. I
shudder!

Still looking into the
puddle of water I can
once again feel the shadow
behind me but I sit still
to tired to run any longer.
I take my chances and
breathe what I believe
could be the last breath
that falls from in between
my lips. I look into the
puddle again with head down
and eyes just slightly
looking at the reflection
that stands behind me now.
I see myself staring down
upon me,a battle from
within is who I was fighting
the whole time.I shudder!

Shameful pride

Everyone thinks they know
the whole story,never do
they reflect on what hides
beneath.

In between the lines of
another's life,they just
think they are right.they
believe they can do better,
their life has never been
one of long battles!

People live in their own
fairy tales believing we
all have walked their
tracks of life but that's
not right,for some life
has given them nothing
more but miseries and
heartaches,battles of
long ago stories that
are far from the whole
truth.

Most could not handle
what they think they
already know.They stand
tall and proud,secure
and driven into believing
they are the maiden to
everyone's grace,they
should try to walk in
another's place!

Walk in the shoes of a
life not worth living,
feel the pains of another's
grief maybe then they would
open their eyes and stop
their made up pride!Walk
the life of a battlefield
from day one!I am stronger
than most could believe but
even I need to find peace.

So I shake my head and
tip my hat to the ones
who think they are all that,
I know in my heart that
they are to weak to even
play half of my part!I see
the world for what pain
hides in the dark!I show
respect to those deserving,
I help when others have
only concern for their own.

So I will beg your pardon
as I move along to my un-perfect
garden that only I can
grow for you have taken
up enough of my time and
you will always stand with
your own shameful pride!

A battle within

I don't know who
I am or what I am
here for anymore.

On my own mind I
play tug a war and
search for answers
that will never be
told,I feel cold and
weak,desperately
on my knees.

I tell myself that
things are meant
to be how they are
laid upon our feet.
I am lost,a standstill
is where I seem to
be left.I am scared
of nothing except
myself.

I dream big of
what may be in
the horizon waiting
for me to fulfill but
here I endlessly sit
still.Scared to take
the risk of failing
or taking missed
steps.

My life seems to
be full of regrets
of what I could of
missed in my own
fears of what is,was,
could of been if I
had not been so blinded
to my own dreams
of miseries.

I will wake up next
weak and fly so high
my feet will never touch
the ground.Nothing
will get me down or
scare me back into
the dark, this I say
to myself every time!

No more worries,no
more fear,I can do
anything that I want
without the first tear!
I will smile and bid
away all negatives
that try to find their
way into my mind
and heart.

This will only last
as long as my mind
stays away from the
dark but as always
my life in my own
mind is waiting to
once again be torn
apart.

I love everyone and
only wish their best,
I tell them that life
is worth the live and
how much in them
I believe.I will take
them by their hand
and try to show them
their way but in my
shell I live afraid.This
is the life of manic
depression, this is
the life that I am bid
to live in.

So until I find my
own way back out
of the dark I will
play my part.I will
find the positives
that I see in my dear
friends,I will tell them
never to give up or
bend.I will tell you
to dance in the light
where dark may only
be found.

I am broke and
may never be fixed
I walk the line in
a manics wish to
feel free of the
negatives that
only I can see.
This is not a game
that any wish to
play,this is a depression
that won't stay
away.Day by day
I search for my
own way and
tomorrow it will
all once again
just be okay!

Hollow words

A soft word spoken into
the hollow of tomorrows
aching body of torments.

A kiss to be given in
the shadows of yesterdays
mishaps and endless let
downs.

A part to play in the
voice of the nights
song of grievances that
can be heard among the
angels of picture-less
memories.

A dream to spare in
this life of useless
wants that can only
find their way through
the shadows of graves
and swallowing sands
that help erase your
forgettable needs.

A cry of lost integrity
by the fallen men that
are now nothing more
but beggars on the street.
Left in the dark after
they fought our war only
wanting to find us our
peace.

A fire set to my pen
of missed words that
soon will be forgotten
among this world of
pain and conflictions.
Tear soaked paper of
the worries we live
in today,tomorrow the
sorrows will stray with
the new dawn of just
maybe!Could be!We'll
see!

Fairy tale lies

Looking for the fairy
tale where the love
scene ends with happily
ever after and a kiss
to Mr rights perfect
lips of perfection.

We all know this is
just a child's dream
but like children we
chase down that "what
if" and "could be"
beautiful treasury
made up of our own
falsities!

Searching for the
prince that wakes
me up from the dead
I feel inside.Full
of denial and tears
I walk away and find
my own way in life,no
longer will I look
for the beast that
could one day let me
find my perfect fate.

A drop of heaven just
for a moment lingers
in a stored away place
in the heart that once
again was so easy to
bend and break!I won't
let my life shudder in
the depression that was
so easily to be found
at my door step long
ago!I am stronger that
that left behind girl!

A fairy tale to be found
by another,a prince that
I no longer wish to discover.
I leave all hope of truth
and faithfulness in my
dust,I am not broken!
I am just smart enough
to say goodbye and good
luck!