Giving up is never an option

 I find that life has not really been mine. I know that I cannot be the only one who feels out of place in their lives! Do you know that feeling when you have so many plans but none of them come to pass? You are so worried about the person beside you or the ones who you know will be ringing your phone at their slightest inconvenience. Every day you tell yourself that you are going to do this or that, but you are so mentally drained that you can only sit in what you hope could be silence. The walls are deafening but yet that is what you seek! The darker, the better because that is where your mind resides!

We find ourselves at the realm of nonsense that we can only control in the bleakness of giving up. Let's not do what our hearts desire when it is not that of another's mindset. The struggle is real when you know what can be accomplished if you could only live in the life that you want, need and crave. We want what we cannot have because in order to have what we want we would have to fight a battle that we may not win. It is all part of that fear that we see clinging to the darkness on the foggiest of nights.

Sometimes we learn who we are later in life and the knowledge of what we want is harder to achieve. Do we give up or do we just keep pushing? No one wants to fail at life but maybe life has failed us! Maybe, just maybe.. there is so much more out there that we do not even know is headed our way. They say that life is what we make it but that is not entirely true is it? Not everyone has been able to fight themselves out of the reality of what was given to them to work with. However, if we give up there is no other option to except but failure. 

             ~A NEW BEGINNING IS BETTER THAN AN OLD ENDING~  

Reflections of today's world

My country has left me confused with anger and loathing that my reflection is not someone that I recognize any longer. With every passing day I reflect on new events and wonder how we came to the spot that we are in now. What road did we take that gave us permission to hate and spread misinformation that could harm others? When will it stop? When will we remember who we are and that all of us came from somewhere else? We had a beginning; our ancestors came from somewhere else unless we are indigenous "Native Americans"! 

I faulter in my steps and forget that hate is not the way! I want to hate those that are full of hate, yet that is not the way because two wrongs do not make a right. We cannot allow ourselves to become those that we feel contempt for. So, what do we feel for those who have lost their way and allowed hate to take over their hearts? What do we feel for those that we love or care about when we know what lies in their hearts and minds? The confusion has me at a standstill when I reflect on my thoughts that are at times overpowered by dread and distain. 

So, what is the answer? Are you lost in a world of confusion? Can we get back on track or are we the next country that will fall as others think they are helping us rise? Truth of what lies within can be hard to except but it is needed to be who we were meant to be. We need to look at our reflection from within, not the mirror on the wall. 

Worth

 Self worth… that's a hard one to talk about. Why? Why is hard to talk about? What is even harder is the fact that so many people are searching for their self-worth. Wait a minute, why does anyone have to search for their self-worth? When did we lose it? When did we become so unworthy in our own eyes that we have decided that others can look at us the same way? 

What makes it worse? The fact that our families see our worth, those closest to us see our worth but we don’t. We allow other people who will never really make a difference in our lives treat us like we are anything but worthy. We allow people to treat us like our lives mean nothing unless it benefits them in some sort of way. 

What makes people believe that their lives are more worthy, more important? Are we supposed to bow down because someone else fell into a life that most could dream of? Does this make you special? Not at all! I think the everyday normal people need to stand up and speak up! We won't, we will sit back and take it and take it until we lose it! I feel like I need a start over, not with my family. but with myself! I need to do the things that I swore I would do! Be my own boss, use my degree that I busted my butt for working two jobs and raising three girls alone. How did I see my worth then but now? 

I write because it has always been my outlet, I write because I am scared that if I speak up it will all come flooding out and people would be shocked if they knew what I hold in every single day. I am so tired of pity trips that come from the mouths of those that have no clue what a hard life is really about. 

Maybe I am just a bitch, maybe I am just fed up! Either way I am ready to take MY life and do with it as I please. Tonight, I will go to bed and tell myself over and over that I am worthy… I hope that when I wake up and I still in this mindset. Sweet dreams world and find your worth. you are worthy and you matter! 

Rescue

 What an evening, out to eat with my hunni and then watched the sunset. It was beautiful colors of pinks and reds, my favorite. Ten years this month with a man who is really a man. Someone who loves his family and has been a father to mine and my ex husbands girls. Sadly but thankfully he stepped up where my ex stepped down, well he had always been down.. so there’s that! Came home in time to hear my rescue squirrel screaming for milk. It seems so rewarding to nursemaid a creature back to health and watch them bloom into their own little beings. However the time has come that I will need to send him to a rescue, we both have grown attached to each other. That is such a no no when you take in wildlife but it can be hard to ignore them with all of their cuteness overload. My bad! 

So he will be taken to a rescue that has done this for years and knows how to let the wild stay wild. I would love to say that the next time I refuse to allow any attachment but I have said that time and time again. It’s a lie lol! Lies…. I cannot help myself! 

As for now I am going to enjoy him tonight and part of the day tomorrow and then have some family time before it is back to work Tuesday. I love these four day weekends because it means we go back to a three day work week. 

Help a girl, do I want to see Reba for my birthday next month or go to the beach for the fifth time this year. Hard decision! I am so ready to say that I am taking a trip to West Virginia and not the other way around. I surly will not visit this state as much as I do the ocean though. Fishing and hunting is all that this state has going for it, beauty here and there if you do not get sunk into the many potholes along the way. 

Well reflection and rant over! Have a wonderful day tomorrow and be safe! Nothing is worth walking your last day on earth over carelessness. Until next time….

Reality

 Depression is something that most people deal with in life. Some can fake it away but it is always lingering its cruel head in the distance. Some of us deal with it on an everyday basis, sometimes for no reason other than that is just how you are. You can have a great life but forget that for a moment between the laughter and tears. Some of us try to be people pleasers and that is our worst enemy! We try to please everyone and forget that we exist and our feelings should not be put aside to protect the feelings of those around us. Why is that? Well for some it is linked back to childhood traumas that we will never age away from. 

What does that mean? Age away from? Well sometimes people try to convince us that our past has no baring on our lives now. As an adult you should be able to put that aside and move on. For the most part we do, we are the superhero’s that no one sees. If they do see us, they don’t acknowledge the severity of what we have lived through. They will tell you of all of their past and how hard it was, and they are just fine. However one persons trauma is never alike and a lot of people that say they are fine is dealing with it in other ways. They are either dealing with some sort of addiction or they cannot settle down into a stable relationship. They symptoms of trauma is across the board in so many ways. OCD, downward spirals, highs that have nothing to do with drugs, a feeling of worthlessness.. the list goes on. 

Right now i myself am dealing with it, I have a knot in my stomach that tells me i am either ready to explode or implode. Neither of the two are ideal, sometimes it really is what it is. Sometimes there is no reason for it that others can see. They don’t see it because they are wearing selfie glasses, yes I completely made up selfie glasses out of thin air. Another-wards they see their side of their tale and not the other side of the story. And that is okay… for them!  

THE REALITY IS, we all process life events in our own way. Some of us can cover up our feelings better and some of us can fake it… until we can’t!

A baby girl

 The second grand baby is going to be a little girl. So I have my first grand baby coming in December that will be a bundle of joy little boy and then my other bundle of joy will be here in February and that one will be a little girl. Best of both worlds and we are all so excited. I will update names once the kids say that I can. 

I would love to hear from some of my readers… what was your first grandchild? What are things that you done for the baby showers? I am excited to hear from you all with your ideas. I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed Sunday and until next time… 

Quote

 Find your peace in comfort in knowing you have done your all for yourself and those around you 

Gender reveal day

 Today is the day everyone! The gender reveal party is at 2:00, well wishes that everything goes smoothly in our little chaotic family function. This is literally the first time that I have been able to keep a secret, so yay me. I will of course update the results to everyone when calm hits my house and mind. The excitement is unbearable for my daughter, she wanted this get together but she wants to know already. Tisk tisk my child, get what you ask for and hold on to that overactive bladder for five more hours. Have a wonderful day world and thank you for stopping by. 

Growing pains

 Let’s admit that motherhood is hard, throw in three girls and it is chaos. Girls love all the things, the dresses, makeup, stealing moms brushes even. Never ever did I think it could get more chaotic than a gender reveal that was suppose to be small but now is going to be a full out cookout/two family get together. I think it will be great but I am worn out and ready to escape back to my happy place. We have been four times so far this year but I am ready to go and stay, luckily so is my hunni. What does that mean as a mother though? With two grand babies on the way! I feel like I will lose out on seeing them like I want to but I also feel like as parents we are allowed to finally remember that we are human and life cannot stop at children and their children. What do we know about life? Well it does not last forever, we are like seeds of a flower in a lot of ways. We are planted into our mothers and grow, once we are born we then grow more until we blossom. A flower however does not last, it weakens and starts to become frail as it ages. One day it just dies! 

As parents we need to remember that our children are those young and vibrant flowers that have a full life in front of them and we are now growing weaker in a way. Before we become frail we need to learn how to remember who we were before we became parents. 

We can do all the things, be there when our children need us. We cannot always be there when they just want us there. We gave our children life and we can only hope that they treat it as it is, fragile! It is time for them to find their path, their dreams and to accomplish great things on their own feet. Easier said than done of course but we can hope and dream. 

Should we however forget our dreams and hopes in all of the wonderful and hard times that we have shared with our children? I don’t think that we should and at the end of the day I believe that our children want to see us go forward with our lives. They may be scared to admit it because as parents we have always been there to help and fix the trials of youth that they are now following into as adults. Practice makes perfect we have always heard, that also falls in the lines of growing up. 

With all of this said, what as parents do we do? Do we try and hold on to a life that was rearing our children or do we act as if we are twenty again and hit the pavement moving into a world that we do not even know? We are no longer the people that we were before raising children! We are no longer parents of young children that need to be watched over, at least not to their knowledge! Now we are a set of lost adults with no idea what comes next. In a way we are a lot like our children, as they learn how to be thriving adults and parents, we need to learn how to cope with our empty nest. 

Like, really

 Let’s just take a minute to express how bad the school system is right now. If you live in a small town you might as well just prepare for it to even be worse. Our school system says one thing and then does another. Honestly my youngest daughter has always been on the struggle bus with math, the more classes she has in math the more she gives up. Last year we done what we needed to do so she would be done with math, then we were told she would have to take one at least. Okay, fine… now she is also in one that I see no way can be achieved and that breaks my heart. Let’s set our kids up for failure and then get mad because they dislike school and refuse to move further with their education. Sadly our school cannot even get all of the kids in drivers ed within a four years time. I am unhappy that after this year i will have an empty nest but boy oh boy I will be sooo happy to be done with the school system. Sadly I know in a few years my daughters will be going through the same nonsense, then they will see why good old mom ranted at the school so much. 

I think this will just be my rant blog on everything that gets under my skin… nope this will just be a life blog! 

What has been the hardest thing that you have dealt with in the system? Has it been easy peasy? Or are you just as ready as I am to have it over? 

Through me a comment and have a wonderful evening……..

Point of View

 So I have been wondering what would interest my readers other than poetry. You see, poetry is so much more than depression and being lost. I have never really wrote uplifting poetry in that way though. I wrote poetry to escape the demons that were always following me. I also had some demons that I allowed in my life that I had to let go of. I would write in order to deal with them and myself! I have always heard that poets are depressed by nature, but they could still write in either direction. I am not sure how much I believe that. 

A doctor named Dr. Ludwig compared the suicide rate between different professions to each other and he found that 20% of eminent poets had committed suicide whereas only a 4% of other professions had committed suicide. You can read more about this in an article called “Going early into the good night” by Felishia R. Lee, written in April 24,2004. 

I find this strangely true without all of the comparisons! We have always heard about the older days when poets would commit suicide but it never dawned on me why. Now in todays world we can see it more because of the internet. We see artist in all different walks of life that deal with a depression, oddly enough we do not see that as bystanders. There is something that lingers in an artists mind that gives them the ability to do what they do, more so artist that write in some form. Is it negativity or depression? Is it both which give them the mindset to write poetry or music that we listen to or read that leave us with shivers? 

This is something that most people do not think about or even see, but I do. I cannot count how many times that suicide was on my mind or that I took a handful of pills with liquor in hopes that I would not wake up. I always did, I am thankful for that now because I am more clear minded and see what that would have done to my children. So I guess it was just me allowing demons to control my life in the flesh and memory. 

So now you see my dilemma; as much as I have always liked to write, I am lost as to what of. One thing that I do know, whatever I write will reflect the feelings that I have at that time. I have never been one to cover up my words, even though I have always been a blank when my depression is at the highest. Maybe that is the manic in me, that is a whole different story though. 

Empty nester

Lets not live in a life of unsures, we have so much to live for. We make all of these plans knowing that we do not even know where we will be tomorrow. We may not even be here on earth,who knows.I have always used this blog for my poetry,don't get me wrong I still write but not as often.I found a life that sometimes leads me down a path of writing,but in private.I found a life that is so full of the everyday hustle that the time that I had to write was put aside to love and enjoy everyone around me. Is life perfect?yea right! Is it better than it has ever been? oh yea! 

I am coming to a crossroad though that seems to have come at a pace that I was not prepared for. The road of becoming an empty nester. One more year and my last baby will be out of school. A few months and she will be 18! How is that possible? I joke around and say that her room will be my craft room, in reality it will just feel empty. When we become parents we are not prepared for them to leave, I have had two daughters leave already and become women. Nothing though prepares you for the last child to move on and become a fixture in their own home. Nothing prepares you! Now I need to learn how to live for me, live for my hunni, live in a world of not raising children. 

With this though I will be on a new journey that I may carelessly stumble on for awhile. I can say that I am going to be a first time grandma in December and then a second time grandma in February. Both of my eldest daughters have decided that they are ready to start their own journeys of parenthood at the same time. Maybe this will be enough to keep me occupied within a mind that is doubtful and unprepared for tomorrow. 

If you have read this far leave a comment on how you dealt with preparing for your empty nest. What kept you going? How did you look at your child without wanting to cry? We went school clothes shopping today and all that i could think about was the fact that this was the last year that i would take my child to get clothes for school. That was depressing and may have ruined her trip to the mall. I hope one day I can sit back and enjoy the fact that my girls are grown and was raised with hearts that finds love for everyone.

So I guess this means that this blog will have a facelift, writing down my feelings of growing and finding myself once again. Finding the woman that disappeared as a girl, to raise three girls that are now women.

Final Goodbyes

I have to wonder
what is on your mind,
you never believed I would walk away did you?
What are you doing now?
Are you solemnly laying
around regretting the things that I begged for?
You never were much for the strength
that it takes to be a man with integrity.
You had a lack of self esteem,
what more would make you stomp
the person that you just hit to the ground.

I have to wonder
what is your deepest regret?
Was it the day that you had a chance
to keep the only woman who for so long took your crap?
The day that the bargaining was laid to rest
as I walked out the door that could no longer keep me in.
I cannot help but wonder
what you are thinking right now

I have to wonder
did you ever believe that you would see a smile upon my face
that was not painted on with dollar store bought make-up.
I cannot help but feel cocky now,
a degree that you never thought that I could earn.
How silly your degrading comments seem now
that you are there living the same ol same ol
while I am enjoying the progress that you swore
I would never be smart enough to acheive.

I have to wonder
when did you realize that your late night text
would not lead you back into my home of security.
Your calls were ignored while I fished the banks
of freedom and love for the life that I lost so long ago.
I cannot help but feel smug,
I made it out while you cried your thousandth apology
and finally
for the first time ever
I heard the voice of deceit
I saw the face of lies
I made it out
while you were for the first time ever
left battered
left alone on a Saturday night
left mentally abused
by nothing more than my final goodbye!

Merry Christmas

I have been absent recently but I want everyone to know that all is great and I am working on a new project that may be unusaul for me.. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and see you after the new year comes in....

Perfect Reality

I'm to old to play games
I am in it for the long haul
I found what satisfies my heart
even if it isn't felt within the soul.

I am leveled
even if not to the ground.
I am stronger
even if weak at any given moment.

I have struggled
I have been found
atop a hilltop
where nothing is as it seems.

Nothing is perfect
within the hell we reek upon ourselves.
The man in the sky can only try so much,
giving hints that all is not everything.

A pearl in my hand
a token of love in my ear
a heart that asks for more
that can never be

Taking timeout to imagine
to risk what is not so easily gained.
Fretting about what is,
and can never be!

The reality of where we stand,
is just a fraction of where we belong!
The man upstairs tell all truths,
the soul though he cannot control!

A step away from perfect

I remember the first time that I rode across that bridge
the whole world became so secluded,
it was just me and him.
The trees were ready to turn
into a colorful rainbow of beauty.
The excitement in his eyes
with that glitter of gold
was the first moment
that I felt a crack in my mold.

My insides were in knots
the touch of his hand sent chills
straight through to my heart.
I was not ready
to let myself go again.
To many bad memories of the way
that it felt to give my heart away.
But it was a lost cause
and after the first night in his arms so was I.

There was nothing like the beginning
sneaking off into the silence
where no one else could reach us.
A kiss to the ear lobe
with a whisper of endearment.
I almost thought it was a game
to feel so much for someone
who acted like they felt the same.

The pictures speak volumes
into two hearts who found peace
nothing left unsaid and
nothing left un-felt.
A pat to the cheek with a kiss to the lips
a gentle spank in a teasing manner
that would lead a school girl to blush.

A deal that was among two
that the world could only guess upon.
It was the little things that meant the most
for things you can never take away.
A cuddle in arms that was the strongest ever felt,
a hand out of nowhere that proved
emotionally he was still there.

The little things were forgotten over time,
the world became to busy to remember
a love that is to be left in time.
Leaving nothing in its wake but a memory.

The memories keep her awake
she watches him sleep
wishing she didn't miss him so.
She beckons her heart to stop the beat
that he so easy accomplished
while she laid unaware.

The bridge that at one time gave her such excitement
was just another day that she knew
she would be forgotten.

Promised Land

She stands tall for all to see
she shines in the night
with a torch stretched high

She gives people hope
with words that use to ring true
now she falters in a fog of lies
none of which she bestows on her own

If she were human she would silently walk away
If she were human you would find a tear gone stray

If she had a voice she would reprehend those at fault
If she had a voice she would remind us of how far we had come

She use to be more than concrete and steel
She use to be more than the copper and granite she is made from

She was once a beacon that all flocked to adore
now she has become a broken promise that so many mourn

A gateway from hell she no longer stands
nothing but a memory now in what was once
the promised land!

Weeping Willow Wisdom Rebuttal

Weeping willow tree
I know what you told me!
I cannot help but to reflect
on the story you had given so freely.

As it may be you are stronger than me!
You may have weathered many storms
and broken many limbs
however after your trials
you still have something to hold on to.

You have marked your territory
in which you stand,
that is something that can never change.
A humans life is ever changing
we move on when we have figured the pain is to much to bear.

You have a root that cannot feel,
I have a heart that feels every pang.
You can tell your story as it may be,
but you have never had to shuffle your feet.

How I wish that I could be you,
never have to worry about being in an others shoe.
I would never have to worry about tomorrow,
I would be steadfast day after day in the same place.

Now do not take for granted what you have,
as you watch the sun come up
and the moon to take its place.
I may be a human who will leave this place
as you still stand proud.
Giving me more reason to want more than I have!

I will come back and visit you again,
maybe then you will see that your presence
is all that I was in search of from the beginning. 

Full Circle

I sit here riddled with guilt,
not for anything that I have done wrong
but for wandering into a room
that I all to well know
every nook and cranny of.

I know every line of uncaught paint,
every beam that holds it together.
I know every hole in which a picture has graced,
every outline that was left when taken down.

Steps taken forward
falters backwards
steps taken away
always finds themselves in full circle.

An empty room full of old memories
come back to life with the reminder
of something long ago passed.
Something that had never really gone away,
stuck in a crevice at best.

The center of my mind has gone astray
there are memories that never really go away.

Never expect a positive reaction 

 from a negative action!