Made up falsities

I am giving up,Laying my
life upon the ground.No
use peering at un-won
battles that were never
worth the fight of my
mind leaving me to always
be unsound as I remember
and look around through
the back door they are
always to be found.

You think you see and
know the story well
but the slumbering
truth from alls mind
shall always dwell
unseen among the earths
floor of misery that you
see as unpure along
the lines of the canvas
that within bleeds the
truth that will never
be seen by such a cold
entity worth nothing.

You walk the dream that
you deserve to see and
feel what hides beneath,
it takes heart,it takes
soul,understanding those
that you think you are
in control.You breathe
the breath of worthier
than another among the
streets that you walk,
you will be one of the
forgotten for in your
mind there is no other.

I will forfeit this life
that I have lived with
open arms and memories
of what once was so easily
given.I am one with the
past and inclined to throw
away the future ridding
all that may walk my way,
I am just a stray that
leaves her mark upon the
back of falsities.

drug induced beauties

I remember the days
when you were free
from the demons that
play so heavily on your
shoulders,just a small
girl with the world
ahead of her.

Ponytails and childish
smiles played on your
lips that always drove
my heart wild wishing
you were the baby I
yet did not have.Under
my wing I took you
showing you what love
was all about when your
own family was to busy
to worry about their child.

Food in your mouth and
a brand new room,you had
never had such and the
excitement on your beautiful
face was just enough to
bring tears to my eyes
and fight the battles that
were ahead,just to see
you in a soft bed and
loving arms.

I had to let you go,now
a woman with her own,
you are lost to all and I
feel helpless as I have
had to continue to watch
you fall to the hate and
greed that drugs and your
own hopelessness has
turned you to be.

A beautiful mother you
are no longer,a beautiful
soul I see slaughtered.I
have done it once,twice
and now more than I can
count.Take you back in
and fight your battles,I
miss the person I know
you are,I miss the baby
I more than once held
in the dark.

Where are you as you walk
in the same clothes as days
before?Why do you not see
a new beginning can only
start when you see yourself
like me?Your own so called
family puts a needle to
your arm,crushes the pills
that sets your nose afire,
when will you ever learn
they are nothing but predators
that care not if in flames
you burn?

You say now even around
me you do not feel comfort
but do you not see the girl
you have turned?Always
blaming the other person
like they have all control
over your life,the one that
only you can live.It starts
with you and no one else,
only you can drag your
soul now out of your own
made hell!

When and only when
you have decided to
take blame for your
own actions and be
the person that I know
you can be,can you now
walk through the door
that belongs to me!You
may say what you want
about me,no worries my
beautiful daughter,I know
it is the drugs that now
only speak!

I love you even when
you think you are nothing
but worthless and crazy!
I see the heart that still hides
in fear,stop letting others
tell you that you are nothing
and then and only then
will you have a chance
once again to be free within
and dance in the rain,only
then will you by yourself
stop the pain that was sent
to you by hell!!

I love you lacy and please
find your way back to the
people who really love you
and not the ones who want
to drag you down with them!
Please think of your babies
and your family you will
always have with me!

Forever blue

I sit and deny the words
brought to my attention
about my life and love
before now,I argue in my
own defense that I have
grown and moved on away
from the past that stroked
its wounds into my heart
like a knife finding its
way and leaving its mark.

I am ready to find my
way out of the dark,I
am ready to be a part
of the life in which you
wish to give me but
yet you do not believe
the words that from
my mouth are to leave.

I ask myself what could
it be that he sees,why can
he not believe what I am
to tell him.I think of the
drawer in which your
picture lays softly among
the shirt that matches
your eyes the shade of
the sky, I still deny.

I hold him tight and
feel the security that
his being brings me
inside and out but yet
there it is the thought
that he is holding back,
but why? His arms
wrapped tightly around
me but still the tears
fall smoothly down
my cheeks,I need room
to breathe.

I am lost and will never
be found for the person
I once was has been left
astray among memories
that I try to push aside,
but still I deny!

I lay in the bed and
remember everything
through the day that
we have said,the hearts
that we shared and I feel
me wanting to be completely
there but yet I drift away
into my own hiding place.
There I am left to cry
for my younger days.

But yet I deny that what
he says is true,sadly he
is right,I am always to
see you!Forever and
always my mind is to
be tortured among the
past, tonight I am to
sleep again in the shirt
that I should of long
ago thrown in the trash!

Jaded complications

Life could be more
than the one sided
jaded insufferable
people who think
they need nothing
more put complications
where known shall
follow.

Peace comes hauntingly
my way with the
spoken word of
just maybe,drives
me crazy as I dizzily
try to put together
the pieces that make
no sense to me,Words
no longer take that
same route as once
before, dissecting
everything and for
what,where does it end
and what does it mean
to sit everlasting in one
spot for all to see the
demons that so easily
can take over me.

I ignore what my eyes
see,words of nothing
but deceit could ever
be spoken freely to me
even though I wish to
believe in what I know
could never be.In me
I see a foe that wishes
to wander away but is
always steadfast where
my legs are to tremble
knowingly.

Stubborn fates are
nothing now more
than stupidity playing
stupid games of catch
me if you can,take apart
just one more hand.
That is the way of man!

Come to me soft words
of feelings as you watch
me believe in everything
told,You think I am weak
but yet I am merely me
with heart and soul but
now just a touch of bold.
I walk where I wish and
take the roads swiftly to
hell,you lead me so you
believe; but in front will
be me!

Check those notes and
check those bills,do what
needs to be done to find
your own thrills.Just do
me this one favor,when
the sun sets the sky aflame
there will be only one left
in the blaming game of
tearful words that lead to
nothing but pain,this will
not be me you will see
I am stronger now than
any could ever believe.

My life belongs to only
me!!

Pressure points

I feel the poison running

through my veins that

long to be split open

burning my skin of

nothing until the smell

of burning flesh takes

my breath away.

My gut is tight like a 

noose that wishes for

the neck of darkness

to grasp and never let

go,strangling out any 

life that lingers in one 

place for to long. 

Nightmares are forever

playing havoc with my 

mind that wants to so

badly see nothing more

but the other side,no

more turmoil to drown

out the silence of the

nights dreaming in 

worthless memories.

Body crawls and itches 

from nerves that are

fried out into a lightly

sounding sizzle of done.

In the mirror my reflection

equals none!Nails leave

marks upon my hands,

the pain I can no longer

feel!

Walls cover the openings

of the doors that I no

longer wish to pass 

through.Life has given 

me in stone a life I cannot 

stand to live in,too late

to change what has been

written.

In my mind I scream 

until my body loses 

all control and my

head feels like it

wants to explode 

from the pressure

of the forever reasons

left untold.

Some has heart,some

does not!Some leaves

all to forever in their

minds burn and rot.

I see a token that only

I can spend,finding a

reason to go on has

never been worth the

giving!

Five year old death

Tip toes on a toilet
seat,fingers grasping
the windowpane until
they turn blistering
red with pain. Chin
resting between two
hands,if she screamed
would she be heard?Or
would they walk away
again?Why are they so
afraid to help a child
living in fear and pain?

Be real quiet...
silently as can,step down...
tip toes to the door...
little ear pressed against it now..
heartbeat noisy,can't hear anything...
hold breath in tight...
listen again...
no sounds now on the other side...

Hop back on that toilet
seat,to small to really
see out.Give a shout,no
one hears as always or
they turn their backs
from the heart-wrenching
noise of a child being
abused as a play toy.
Look at the door again,
seems so quiet now maybe
she can tiptoe back to bed.

Be real quiet...
silently as can,step down...
tip toes to the door...
little ear pressed against it now..
heartbeat noisy,can't hear anything...
hold breath in tight...
listen again...
no sounds now on the other side...

Hands holding door knob
tight,real quiet now and
try to turn the knob inch
by inch,squeak!Close real
fast and lock it up!no time
to even peak!Back to the
toilet seat!Seems like hours
have went by but only mere
minutes,the clock shows her
with every silent tick.

Be real quiet...
silently as can,step down...
tip toes to the door...
little ear pressed against it now..
heartbeat noisy,can't hear anything...
hold breath in tight...
listen again...
no sounds now on the other side...

Grab that handle really
hard now,fly the door
open and run fast to find
another place to hide.To late
there was no escape,beside
the door he hid and waited.
Thrown down on the floor,left
tattered and bruised.Skin raw
between thighs,tears silently
fall from her eyes.

Once again outsmarted
and left in pain.A five
year old died that day
on the floor of misery!
Her heart to live in
fear her childhood gone
in such short years.

She shockingly stands
and walks away,a five
year old died that day!
A woman it seemed was
to take her place to fill
the void of a mans disgrace.

Nightmares to live in
her forever,why could she
not of been just a little
taller? Maybe she could
of seen outside of that
windowpane,made someone
see the tears that hid
on her face!Maybe through
her tears they would of
been strong enough to not
walk away.

A five year old died that
day,a woman left to stand
in her bloodied footprints
of pain...

Bidden goodbyes

The burden of losing the
only thing that feels
right has consumed and
changed every thoughtless
thought within my mind.

There are facts that
cannot be argued or
understood! Life for
what you see can only
drive more questions
out to sea that will
never be caught by
the nets of time.

Life stands still
for just a moment
in my mind dreaming
and remembering past
words and many tears
cried throughout
the endless nights
shared among the two
that felt so right.

Time passes and new
love comes into the
picture but none fits
the reflection that
once was given.No one
will ever read my mind
or complete my heart
the way that my true
love could but that
is neither here or
there,life must go
on and in my lungs I
breathe new air.

I am on a mission to
search for my lost
time among the demons
of hell that I have
always easily found,
it is time to bury
them deep into the
ground my life is at
a standstill and now
even words can no
longer heal the pain
in which I have always
at other hands sustained.

So I bid this last
goodbye of my life's
past miseries and for
the first time in a
long time write my
words that will drive
me insane and driven
to my knees.

I will come back
stronger and the
word no will not
be heard by my ears
for I will be complete
soulfully and out of
my lingering fears.

Muddied veins

I find life to be
sadly irrelevant
to me any longer.

I search for what
can never be found,
I cry for things
that had just never
mattered from beginning
until ending.

I talk to myself
when I really want
to be heard,for I
am the only one who
hears the words that
fall from my lips.

I wake up in a
sweat that leaves
me chilled to the
bone.I am tired
of being alone in
a crowded room
of people who could
never understand
who I am or where
I have come from.

I have tried to
convince myself
that life is not
the hell that I
have been brought
into but I know
within these walls
of my mind that
this is all that
I will ever have
or even find.

I speak from a
successful life of
failures.I find my
A's but yet feel
the grade average
of an F.I look
toward my what
if's.

I wish to be left
alone but yet found
among the driven
and the profound.
A state of confusion
has taken my mind
as its own.Drying
my tears I am left
to now realize no
where feels like
home.

I put together the
pieces as best as
I can.I look for
the tokens that
we all long to
find as we walk
along the roads
of divine,we are
always searching
for our spine.

I look at my face
but it does not yet
belong to me,for I
am lost with the words
that you are now
reading.The only
thing that keeps
me alive is my
fingertips that are
always left to
bleed and hide.

I am a tortured
mind with a soul
left behind to
search her days
with the muddied
waters that now
runs threw her
split veins.

Shameful pride

Everyone thinks they know
the whole story,never do
they reflect on what hides
beneath.

In between the lines of
another's life,they just
think they are right.they
believe they can do better,
their life has never been
one of long battles!

People live in their own
fairy tales believing we
all have walked their
tracks of life but that's
not right,for some life
has given them nothing
more but miseries and
heartaches,battles of
long ago stories that
are far from the whole
truth.

Most could not handle
what they think they
already know.They stand
tall and proud,secure
and driven into believing
they are the maiden to
everyone's grace,they
should try to walk in
another's place!

Walk in the shoes of a
life not worth living,
feel the pains of another's
grief maybe then they would
open their eyes and stop
their made up pride!Walk
the life of a battlefield
from day one!I am stronger
than most could believe but
even I need to find peace.

So I shake my head and
tip my hat to the ones
who think they are all that,
I know in my heart that
they are to weak to even
play half of my part!I see
the world for what pain
hides in the dark!I show
respect to those deserving,
I help when others have
only concern for their own.

So I will beg your pardon
as I move along to my un-perfect
garden that only I can
grow for you have taken
up enough of my time and
you will always stand with
your own shameful pride!

A battle within

I don't know who
I am or what I am
here for anymore.

On my own mind I
play tug a war and
search for answers
that will never be
told,I feel cold and
weak,desperately
on my knees.

I tell myself that
things are meant
to be how they are
laid upon our feet.
I am lost,a standstill
is where I seem to
be left.I am scared
of nothing except
myself.

I dream big of
what may be in
the horizon waiting
for me to fulfill but
here I endlessly sit
still.Scared to take
the risk of failing
or taking missed
steps.

My life seems to
be full of regrets
of what I could of
missed in my own
fears of what is,was,
could of been if I
had not been so blinded
to my own dreams
of miseries.

I will wake up next
weak and fly so high
my feet will never touch
the ground.Nothing
will get me down or
scare me back into
the dark, this I say
to myself every time!

No more worries,no
more fear,I can do
anything that I want
without the first tear!
I will smile and bid
away all negatives
that try to find their
way into my mind
and heart.

This will only last
as long as my mind
stays away from the
dark but as always
my life in my own
mind is waiting to
once again be torn
apart.

I love everyone and
only wish their best,
I tell them that life
is worth the live and
how much in them
I believe.I will take
them by their hand
and try to show them
their way but in my
shell I live afraid.This
is the life of manic
depression, this is
the life that I am bid
to live in.

So until I find my
own way back out
of the dark I will
play my part.I will
find the positives
that I see in my dear
friends,I will tell them
never to give up or
bend.I will tell you
to dance in the light
where dark may only
be found.

I am broke and
may never be fixed
I walk the line in
a manics wish to
feel free of the
negatives that
only I can see.
This is not a game
that any wish to
play,this is a depression
that won't stay
away.Day by day
I search for my
own way and
tomorrow it will
all once again
just be okay!

Hollow words

A soft word spoken into
the hollow of tomorrows
aching body of torments.

A kiss to be given in
the shadows of yesterdays
mishaps and endless let
downs.

A part to play in the
voice of the nights
song of grievances that
can be heard among the
angels of picture-less
memories.

A dream to spare in
this life of useless
wants that can only
find their way through
the shadows of graves
and swallowing sands
that help erase your
forgettable needs.

A cry of lost integrity
by the fallen men that
are now nothing more
but beggars on the street.
Left in the dark after
they fought our war only
wanting to find us our
peace.

A fire set to my pen
of missed words that
soon will be forgotten
among this world of
pain and conflictions.
Tear soaked paper of
the worries we live
in today,tomorrow the
sorrows will stray with
the new dawn of just
maybe!Could be!We'll
see!

Damning insecurities

Demons play on this
mind of mine,I am
blinded to my own
thoughts of failure
and insecurities.

I play with the bottom
of my lip in deep
thoughts of a freedom
that will give me
relief of my memories.

A tear falls from
my swollen eyes
that have not slept
in peace for as long
as I can remember,its
those thoughts that
forever haunt my dreams
in the light of day.

I wear my smile like
a princess in a long
ago fairy tale in the
meeting of her prince
for the very first time.
Like Cinderellas shoe
it drops on the ground
as I walk away from all
that views me.

I am worn down to the
wick like a burned out
candle that will never
find its way back to
the light again.I fall
back into the pit of
damning hell,I fall
under my old demons
bitter spell of grief
filled insecurities

The wings of an angel

He has taken his wings
rightfully where they
belong,among his shoulders
he spreads them signing
an angelic song that can
only be sung through the
lips of an angel being
lifted home.

Two weeks seems such a
little time to love
such a sweet life that
had been given from
the heavens above but
his memory will be one
that will not ever be
dismissed or forgotten.
His face through the
clouds will always be
remembered as the child
made from love and comfort.

Leaving tear soaked eyes
and broken hearts behind
his small hand can be
found on his mothers
shoulders as he tries to
give her relief through
this time of grief and
denying.

He knows he will always
be found in his loving
mothers heart until the
day that they shall meet
again in peace and harmony,
in the heavens above he
waits patiently.A kiss
to his mothers face he
now leaves her and finds
his throne in heavens
grace.

Conflicting thoughts

Conflicting thoughts
impatient dreams,wants
of more rewarding
and hopeful things.

Restless night,bonds
of nothing but recurring
night frights that
follow me around in
the dark.

Strayed mind,off in
another world that
sometimes gives me
peace, looking for
release from my own
entranced mindless
games of grief.

Penetrating gut pains
that swallow me whole
again,living in fear,
never strong enough to
enjoy my own test of
fate.I always hesitate!

My thoughts to stand
apart from myself,times
wasting as I dream of
nothing else but failed
drills of time.My body
weak and deviant!

Confusion takes hold,
my mind and body never
to stand bold.My body
grows cold and stiff
like a drink on the
rocks,I feel failer
ticking by me like a
clock.Tick toc!

I search again into
the deepest corners
of my mind,I see nothing
against the dark that
leaves me shivering and
frightfully blinded to
the hidden light that I
depressingly search to
find.

I bend and I crack,I cry
and then I laugh.I am not
yet broken,the ending of
my story is yet to be read
or spoken!

Gun shy

I am gun shy and scared everyday
that I wake up,I just know any minute
something will blow up in my face.

I have cried a thousand un-seen tears,
whispered a million un-heard prayers.
My life has never been the kind that
you would want to live,most would of
ran and hid.

A childhood of dread and wishing life
would take me now,to adulthood of pain
and many doubts.

I am gun shy from everyone I meet,trusting
anyone has never served me well,I think of
all of this and dwell.

My mind is haunted by so many memories that
I wish I could erase with ease,but still I
sit here helplessly,blinded by my haunting
dreams.

I want to move on and forget the pain,enjoy
the one who has once again put a smile on
my face.

I am gun shy and my shield is still up,I
just want to once again learn to love and
trust.

I will take it one step at a time and hope
I am not once again left behind.I will lower
the shield one day soon I hope and forget
about the ones who left me shattered and
broke.

Lost soul to be found

A lost soul no where to go
feelings strung out,needing
to feel hope.

Blackness takes hold,never to
see the love that has always
been bestowed upon him.

Grief of past life things that
cannot be changed,wanting to
live for today.

Happiness a mirror away,fear
to make him afraid.Always to be
thinking his life was a mistake.

Doomed he feels was brought on
him,scared of what the day will
bring.

Loving heart to never be understood,
stomped on and left by all that could.
Dreams to be shot down, feelings to
never be found.

Lost soul he will stay,until he sees
with eyes that are no longer afraid.
His heart will be kept safe,by the one
who has always stayed.

Loving the person he will always be,
never to want him to change anything.
His heart is what holds the truth,his
mind is all that stays confused.

Give him all that he needs,his presence
is what she seeks.Never to give up on
him,knowing he is the one for her until
their final end.

A poets mind

I write what I feel and sometimes it
may not be all that appeals.My heart
has been broken, my life is in shambles,
at this time this is what I feel and that
is what I will reveal.

Others times my life is like a beautiful
rose just opening up for the first time,
the sunlight making it glitter with the
perfect colors. A calmness taking over
my heart, in my words you can tell the
two apart.

I write about my lifes heartaches, happy
days that no one can take away. Feelings
that just jump out at me, my words are
written depending on my feelings.

I express my feelings in a different way,
my heart knows all the words that my
mouth cannot say. My writtings brings to
light all the words I cannot say, the feelings
I so often hide and tuck away.

I am a poet, I am a loner! I am the person
no one will ever really know. If you listen
just quitely reading the words put in front
of thee..then you will know the real me.

Take me away

Emotionally stressed, my feelings I write down to take home with me a life that has been filled with darkened trees, their branches are out to take me down.. on top quicksand I stand, fighting my way out I should just let it take me down.

A moon that holds no feelings for me anymore, just a light that comes and goes with the passing days that has grown so cold to me now. A bottomless pit I see in sight, maybe that will do the job right. Bury myself down deep inside, no one can pull me out now.

The sunset always held my attention, the beauty that would meet my eyes.. now nothing more to me than colorful lights in the sky telling me to open my eyes, another day has arrived.

Another day to shed my tears, another day to remind me why my heart has always feared.

I dream a dream of life meaning something, I wake to the knowledge that it has only brought me more reasons to run from it. Darkened tree, clasping branches hold me tight and pull me under, no more will I fight, no more will I listen to the words that everything will be alright.

I need to escape this life I lead, no more do I want my lungs to breath. Give me something that I wish for now, give me a life that cannot be found. Take me away in the dead of night, Do not worry this I will no longer fight.

Freedom

I am so tired I can barely breath,
I love my girls but when will life be
just a little about me?

I wake up and play the same routine,
my life seems to be slipping away from
me. I go to bed and still hear the same
things in my dreams, never am I free.

Sometimes when I am at my lowest, so
tired it seems like I cannot go any more
I dream of a way to escape my life and
I know that just does not sound right.

I wish for a new life that is not so full,
I just want a minute for myself, is that
against the rules?

I am tired of hearing voices everyday
around me, the fighting and bickering
can get so annoying. Do they not see
everyday? I am losing more of me.

Don't anyone understand I need just a
minute to be me? before it is over I will
find my own way to be free.

Darkened soul

Darkness looms around me,
a million stars in the sky not
one lighting up for me.

Ocean tides coming in to
shore, waves hitting the
rocks..dooming sounds to
my ears.

Heartbreak songs play on
my radio, the songs I am
hearing just makes my heart
more grey.

A gentle soul turned into a
hardened creature of the
night, cares less of what it
thought would be it's life.

Victories of the blackness
takes me away, it has won
another soul today. never
to leave it's life of misery.

Death lurks just around the
corner, waiting for that one
last move that will send her
hardened soul to hell.

A heart that once beat in
happy tones, now turned
black and made of stone.
Its heartbeat cannot be
felt any longer, it has died
with the dreams it once had.

Tears frozen on a face no
longer warm, but as cold as
ice. Streaks can still be seen
in remembrance of the once
long ago dreams.

A heart and soul that has been
destroyed by a man who thought
they were nothing more but throw
away toys.

Darkness looms all around me, no
longer can I be seen. Stars burn
out of the sky, even they cannot
be seen by a heart and soul that
will no longer be stupid enough to
dream.